1
00:00:33,082 --> 00:00:35,443
<i>We now return to
The Adventures of Aquaman.</i>

2
00:00:42,806 --> 00:00:45,448
- Yeah?
- Hey, can you grab me another beer?

3
00:00:45,768 --> 00:00:48,329
<i>Yeah. Anything else?
Maybe, you know, TV Guide,</i>

4
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:50,386
you know, another pillow for your feet
or something?

5
00:00:50,410 --> 00:00:54,212
No. Actually, you know what?
Get me, like, a Dewar's and soda, and,

6
00:00:54,532 --> 00:00:56,893
you know, try to keep the saltwater
out of it, if you could.

7
00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:59,014
- Try to keep the saltwater...
- Yeah.

8
00:00:59,094 --> 00:01:01,735
We're surrounded by saltwater, you know.
It's kind of difficult.

9
00:01:01,855 --> 00:01:03,816
I know. I'm just saying,
I'm just saying, try.

10
00:01:03,936 --> 00:01:04,936
Yeah, okay, I'll try.

11
00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:07,194
- You want me to wipe your ass, too?
- Oh, that's a helpful tone.

12
00:01:07,218 --> 00:01:10,395
I'm just saying, you're kind of abusing
your powers a little bit, don't you think?

13
00:01:10,419 --> 00:01:12,956
Actually, this is all time that
could be spent getting me my beverage.

14
00:01:12,980 --> 00:01:14,117
Hey, what are you guys doing?

15
00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:16,502
We got to get ready for your grandpa's
80th birthday dinner.

16
00:01:16,622 --> 00:01:19,222
- Peter, calm down. He's just your father.
- Yeah, but I love him.

17
00:01:19,303 --> 00:01:22,705
His folksy racism,
his I-don't-care-where-I-am flatulence.

18
00:01:22,825 --> 00:01:24,482
And the way it always seems like
he's chewing,

19
00:01:24,506 --> 00:01:25,906
even when there's no food in there.

20
00:01:28,027 --> 00:01:31,349
- Hiya, Dad.
- Francis, it's so good to see you.

21
00:01:31,549 --> 00:01:34,550
Lois, you haven't changed a bit,
you lying bitch.

22
00:01:35,551 --> 00:01:37,832
Francis, why don't you come
into the dining room, huh?

23
00:01:37,952 --> 00:01:39,993
The table's all set for
your birthday dinner.

24
00:01:40,153 --> 00:01:44,355
Lois, actually, Dad said
he would prefer it if you did not join us,

25
00:01:44,515 --> 00:01:47,116
you know, you being a Protestant and all.

26
00:01:47,236 --> 00:01:49,053
He said it's okay if you sit
at the kid's table.

27
00:01:49,077 --> 00:01:50,718
Peter, I cooked the damn dinner.

28
00:01:50,798 --> 00:01:53,759
You know, I knew you were going to
react like this, and that's why

29
00:01:53,879 --> 00:01:55,840
I brought Bill Lumbergh
to explain it to you.

30
00:01:55,920 --> 00:02:00,362
Yeah, I'm going to need you to go ahead
and not complain about this.

31
00:02:00,482 --> 00:02:04,204
Oh, and if you could go ahead
and sit at the kids' table,

32
00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:05,725
that'd be great.

33
00:02:07,605 --> 00:02:10,967
I'm just saying, '70s boobs were different.
I don't know.

34
00:02:11,127 --> 00:02:13,687
You know, it wouldn't kill you
to contribute to the conversation.

35
00:02:13,768 --> 00:02:17,890
Dad, tell us about World War I and how
America defeated Kaiser Permanente.

36
00:02:17,970 --> 00:02:20,651
Lois, when are you going to
get that baby baptized?

37
00:02:20,731 --> 00:02:22,372
Oh, God, not this again.

38
00:02:22,452 --> 00:02:24,853
Francis, why the hell is this always
an issue with you?

39
00:02:24,973 --> 00:02:29,295
Because I love this family and
I don't want my grandson to burn in hell.

40
00:02:29,415 --> 00:02:34,138
I love you, Grandpa. Your toenails
are the same color as my school bus.

41
00:02:34,418 --> 00:02:37,219
You really think that
splashing magic water on Stewie

42
00:02:37,339 --> 00:02:38,379
will keep him out of hell?

43
00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:41,181
Watch that kind of talk
or you'll get your heathen head smacked.

44
00:02:41,301 --> 00:02:42,341
Oh, that's very Christian.

45
00:02:42,381 --> 00:02:44,981
- "Believe what I say or I'll hurt you."
- Now you're getting it.

46
00:02:48,384 --> 00:02:49,465
Peter, we have a problem.

47
00:02:49,585 --> 00:02:51,225
Hey, hang on, Lois. I'm watching a movie.

48
00:02:51,265 --> 00:02:53,907
<i>And now back to Jaws V,
Fire Island.</i>

49
00:02:54,267 --> 00:02:58,549
<i>- You think we should be this far out?
- Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine.</i>

50
00:02:58,789 --> 00:03:02,591
<i>Hey, I'm gonna eat you all.
I'm gonna eat that hairy leg.</i>

51
00:03:03,471 --> 00:03:07,273
<i>I'm gonna eat that one, too.
Oh, I can see right up them shorts.</i>

52
00:03:07,913 --> 00:03:11,195
<i>I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth
to chew you with.</i>

53
00:03:13,195 --> 00:03:17,317
<i>Oh, now wait a minute. I did have
a chubby kid on a raft earlier today.</i>

54
00:03:17,477 --> 00:03:20,519
<i>It's okay, though.
I've been swimming a lot lately.</i>

55
00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:21,719
<i>Yummy.</i>

56
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,121
Peter, your father won't let up
about Stewie getting baptized.

57
00:03:25,201 --> 00:03:28,522
I am sick of him always trying to force
his religious views on us.

58
00:03:28,683 --> 00:03:30,643
All right, I'll talk to him, Lois,
but, you know,

59
00:03:30,764 --> 00:03:33,525
when my father wants something,
it's like sex with Kobe Bryant.

60
00:03:33,645 --> 00:03:37,407
You can kick and scream all you want,
but it's gonna happen.

61
00:03:40,568 --> 00:03:43,129
- Dad, what are you doing?
- There's no cross in here.

62
00:03:43,249 --> 00:03:44,930
Every kitchen needs a crucifix.

63
00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:47,891
Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up,"
like a bleeding, half-naked Jew

64
00:03:48,011 --> 00:03:49,051
nailed to a piece of wood.

65
00:03:49,132 --> 00:03:51,413
Listen, Dad, I gotta talk to you.

66
00:03:51,493 --> 00:03:55,855
Lois was wondering if maybe you could,
I don't know, ease up on the whole,

67
00:03:56,375 --> 00:03:59,657
you know, Jesus-ay Christ-ay,
if you catch my drift.

68
00:03:59,777 --> 00:04:01,498
You're a lapsed Catholic, Peter.

69
00:04:01,578 --> 00:04:04,939
Your wife's a Protestant whore
and your baby isn't even baptized.

70
00:04:05,059 --> 00:04:07,459
All right, look, Dad,
I don't want you to hate me, all right?

71
00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:08,741
So I'll make a deal with you.

72
00:04:08,861 --> 00:04:12,703
If we get Stewie baptized, you and
all other old people have to acknowledge

73
00:04:12,783 --> 00:04:15,704
and be aware that there's crap
in the corners of your mouth.

74
00:04:15,784 --> 00:04:17,825
I'll think about it. Now let's go.

75
00:04:17,905 --> 00:04:20,706
Old people are gross, no matter how cute
they try to make them look

76
00:04:20,786 --> 00:04:22,907
<i>on Desperate Housewives. Go ahead.</i>

77
00:04:22,987 --> 00:04:25,869
Switch over to ABC for five seconds.
I'll wait. I'll wait five seconds.

78
00:04:30,031 --> 00:04:33,352
Oh, my God, did you see?
Did you see how old and ugly they are?

79
00:04:33,432 --> 00:04:36,434
Oh, my God, that redhead looks like
somebody pulled Silly Putty

80
00:04:36,554 --> 00:04:37,554
over their knee.

81
00:04:40,115 --> 00:04:43,717
I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin,
but I can't baptize little Stewie today.

82
00:04:43,797 --> 00:04:46,318
It turns out our last shipment
of holy water is tainted.

83
00:04:46,438 --> 00:04:49,039
Tainted? Holy water?
How did that happen?

84
00:04:57,323 --> 00:04:59,924
We'll call you
when we get a new shipment in.

85
00:05:00,044 --> 00:05:02,646
There's no such thing
as tainted holy water.

86
00:05:02,766 --> 00:05:04,246
Come on. We'll do it ourselves.

87
00:05:04,326 --> 00:05:09,089
Stewie Griffin, I baptize you in the name
of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

88
00:05:09,169 --> 00:05:10,969
- And Space Ghost.
- What are you doing?

89
00:05:11,050 --> 00:05:14,331
Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as
my bath with Kathy Bates.

90
00:05:17,733 --> 00:05:19,653
Yeah, I think I'm going to get out.

91
00:05:23,735 --> 00:05:25,856
Stewie, you don't look so good.

92
00:05:25,976 --> 00:05:28,738
Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God!

93
00:05:28,818 --> 00:05:31,059
Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!

94
00:05:31,179 --> 00:05:34,660
Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor.

95
00:05:37,222 --> 00:05:38,942
Mr. And Mrs. Griffin,
I've examined your son

96
00:05:39,022 --> 00:05:40,983
and he is suffering from
a temporary toxic anemia

97
00:05:41,103 --> 00:05:43,040
which has substantially weakened
his immune system.

98
00:05:43,064 --> 00:05:44,225
Is he gonna die?

99
00:05:44,305 --> 00:05:47,186
No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection
and must be quarantined

100
00:05:47,306 --> 00:05:48,867
in a germ-free plastic environment.

101
00:05:48,947 --> 00:05:51,628
My God, you mean like John Travolta
in that movie?

102
00:05:51,748 --> 00:05:54,750
<i>Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off,
like in Face/Off?</i>

103
00:05:54,990 --> 00:05:57,391
Well, it looks like the operation
was a success.

104
00:05:57,511 --> 00:06:01,273
Do you know what the best part of this is?
Try licking yourself.

105
00:06:01,833 --> 00:06:03,033
You bastard!

106
00:06:03,354 --> 00:06:05,515
<i>Peter, he meant
The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.</i>

107
00:06:05,595 --> 00:06:06,795
How could this have happened?

108
00:06:06,875 --> 00:06:09,756
It's obvious to me that Stewie's
been exposed to tainted holy water.

109
00:06:09,836 --> 00:06:12,718
Peter, you had Stewie baptized
behind my back?

110
00:06:12,798 --> 00:06:13,798
Come on, honey.

111
00:06:13,918 --> 00:06:15,735
This is no worse than
when I rented out your uterus

112
00:06:15,759 --> 00:06:17,120
to those inner city immigrants.

113
00:06:22,402 --> 00:06:25,404
Peter, you're a complete slave
to your father's religion.

114
00:06:25,484 --> 00:06:29,285
What about your religious beliefs, huh?
You have a choice, you know.

115
00:06:29,405 --> 00:06:31,727
- I do?
- Of course. You're a grown man.

116
00:06:31,847 --> 00:06:34,568
- You can pick any religion you want.
- Really?

117
00:06:35,648 --> 00:06:37,089
You know, Lois, maybe you're right.

118
00:06:37,169 --> 00:06:40,491
Maybe I should pick my own religion.
The question is, which one?

119
00:06:40,571 --> 00:06:42,892
I'll tell you what you can pick.
A tune out on that piano.

120
00:06:47,134 --> 00:06:49,095
Oh, now how the whiz-bang
does the rest of it go?

121
00:06:49,215 --> 00:06:51,095
Quick! Make something up!

122
00:06:59,939 --> 00:07:02,501
Peter, what are all these women
doing in our living room?

123
00:07:02,581 --> 00:07:04,982
Lois, I took your advice
and picked a new religion.

124
00:07:05,102 --> 00:07:07,983
- I'm gonna be a Mormon.
- A Mormon? Are you sure?

125
00:07:08,103 --> 00:07:10,985
Come on. Nailing a different wife
every night? That's a no-brainer.

126
00:07:11,065 --> 00:07:14,226
Oh, Lois, this is Kimmy,
the checkout girl from the Korean market.

127
00:07:14,306 --> 00:07:16,987
Nancy, our postal carrier.
And you know Tiffany,

128
00:07:17,107 --> 00:07:19,829
the filthy woman who stands downtown
and screams at traffic.

129
00:07:19,949 --> 00:07:22,070
I ate a tube of Crest for dinner!

130
00:07:22,190 --> 00:07:26,071
Isn't she funny? She's definitely
the Kramer of my Mormon wives.

131
00:07:26,192 --> 00:07:29,713
- Nancy, get me a beer.
- Mormons aren't allowed to drink alcohol.

132
00:07:34,115 --> 00:07:36,116
Peter, did you just
throw those women away?

133
00:07:36,196 --> 00:07:37,437
No. Maybe.

134
00:07:41,479 --> 00:07:43,960
<i>Also in the news,
some trouble at St. Phillips Church.</i>

135
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:45,120
<i>That's right, Diane.</i>

136
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:48,322
<i>A shipment of tainted holy water
could put some local babies in jeopardy.</i>

137
00:07:48,402 --> 00:07:49,802
<i>Sounds dangerous, Tom.</i>

138
00:07:49,882 --> 00:07:52,059
<i>Be careful next time you're at confession
telling the priest</i>

139
00:07:52,083 --> 00:07:54,300
<i>about cheating on your wife
with that Filipino drag queen.</i>

140
00:07:54,324 --> 00:07:57,085
<i>Well, at least you're in no danger, Diane,
since you only visit church</i>

141
00:07:57,166 --> 00:08:00,247
<i>to leave your self-delivered, unwashed,
half-dead newborns on the back step.</i>

142
00:08:00,367 --> 00:08:03,809
<i>Coming up, how to turn
your unwanted change into folding money.</i>

143
00:08:04,209 --> 00:08:06,706
You know, it's kind of sad seeing Stewie
in that plastic bubble.

144
00:08:06,730 --> 00:08:10,492
- I think he looks like a bunny.
- Oh, that's it, Chris, keep laughing.

145
00:08:10,692 --> 00:08:12,573
When I get out of here,
you're going to get it.

146
00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:16,775
I'll lull you into a false sense of security
like those network television announcers.

147
00:08:16,855 --> 00:08:18,295
<i>Tonight
on an all-new Mama's Family,</i>

148
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:20,977
<i>Mama's got more than she can handle
with the in-laws in town.</i>

149
00:08:21,057 --> 00:08:24,098
<i>A deadly fire
could spell death for a honeymoon couple</i>

150
00:08:24,218 --> 00:08:25,899
<i>on an all-new Hotel.</i>

151
00:08:25,979 --> 00:08:28,380
<i>Tonight on Newhart,
the stockings are stuffed with comedy</i>

152
00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:29,821
<i>when Bob has to play Santa Claus.</i>

153
00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:31,902
<i>Then, a sniper's bullet
threatens a partnership</i>

154
00:08:32,022 --> 00:08:33,783
<i>on an all-new Cagney and Lacey.</i>

155
00:08:33,863 --> 00:08:35,543
<i>Tonight on a laugh-out-loud Night Court,</i>

156
00:08:35,663 --> 00:08:39,065
<i>love is in the air when Judge Harry's
old high-school flame comes to town.</i>

157
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:41,786
<i>Then, a child's death could mean
the case of Arnie Becker's life</i>

158
00:08:41,866 --> 00:08:43,267
<i>on an all-new L.A. Law.</i>

159
00:08:43,387 --> 00:08:44,403
<i>That's Night Court at 8:00.</i>

160
00:08:44,427 --> 00:08:45,708
<i>L.A. Law at 9:00.</i>

161
00:08:46,788 --> 00:08:48,549
Now remember, kids, don't touch Stewie.

162
00:08:48,669 --> 00:08:51,030
He's not allowed to have
any human contact.

163
00:08:53,191 --> 00:08:56,273
Hey, finish the job, idiot!
For God's sakes, there's no ventilation!

164
00:08:56,393 --> 00:08:58,234
It smells like Brian Dennehy in here!

165
00:08:58,314 --> 00:09:02,436
I see London, I see France,
I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass.

166
00:09:02,516 --> 00:09:04,837
Hey, gay-bo, I'm up here. Up here.

167
00:09:07,238 --> 00:09:08,398
Hi, my name's Peter.

168
00:09:08,518 --> 00:09:10,639
I'm a Jehovah's Witness,
here to spread the good news

169
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,240
of the story of Jesus Christ.

170
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,801
- Okay, go ahead.
- Really?

171
00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:16,442
Wow.

172
00:09:16,962 --> 00:09:20,124
Boy, you're the first person
who didn't slam the door on me.

173
00:09:20,244 --> 00:09:22,925
Okay, well,

174
00:09:23,005 --> 00:09:25,966
Jesus was a miracle worker, of sorts.

175
00:09:26,327 --> 00:09:30,769
He would travel from place to place,
putting things right that once went wrong

176
00:09:31,329 --> 00:09:35,211
and hoping each time that his next leap
would be the leap home.

177
00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:42,774
What do you think you're doing
with my wife?

178
00:09:43,094 --> 00:09:44,094
Oh, boy.

179
00:09:49,457 --> 00:09:53,459
The pathway to enlightenment
starts with an unfettered, focused mind.

180
00:09:53,539 --> 00:09:55,620
- Look out!
- What are you doing?

181
00:09:55,740 --> 00:09:58,621
Oh? I thought that dot on your head
was from a sniper rifle.

182
00:09:58,701 --> 00:10:01,623
Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment.

183
00:10:01,703 --> 00:10:03,624
It's a portal, an opening through which

184
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:06,585
all light, goodness, rejuvenation,
joy and ecstasy

185
00:10:06,665 --> 00:10:08,586
may enter the human form.

186
00:10:09,907 --> 00:10:10,987
- A vagina?
- Get out.

187
00:10:15,989 --> 00:10:18,631
<i>Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View.</i>

188
00:10:18,711 --> 00:10:19,911
No! No, no! Not again!

189
00:10:29,676 --> 00:10:32,557
Let me out of here!
I can't watch another second!

190
00:10:34,678 --> 00:10:38,640
Relax, Stewie. The doctor gave me this
so you can get some exercise.

191
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:42,722
Boy, Stewie's more wound up than
Dad was that time he took steroids.

192
00:10:43,002 --> 00:10:45,483
Peter, could you please pass the potatoes?

193
00:10:46,203 --> 00:10:47,604
Damn it, Meg!

194
00:10:49,925 --> 00:10:53,086
<i>Now, back to Happy Days.
- Ah, that Fonzie is magic.</i>

195
00:10:53,206 --> 00:10:55,327
I love the way he hits the jukebox
to make it work.

196
00:10:55,448 --> 00:10:56,568
<i>What is it, Mr. C?</i>

197
00:10:56,648 --> 00:11:01,210
<i>Fonz, I wanted to pleasure Marion
for our anniversary, but, as you know,</i>

198
00:11:01,290 --> 00:11:03,291
<i>I have erectile dysfunction.</i>

199
00:11:04,572 --> 00:11:07,333
<i>- Oh, there we go.
- Thank you, Arthur.</i>

200
00:11:07,413 --> 00:11:08,413
<i>Eh.</i>

201
00:11:09,614 --> 00:11:13,056
Brian, will you carry me upstairs?
I want to look at my toys.

202
00:11:13,136 --> 00:11:15,977
- No. I'm watching television.
- Come on, I'm sick.

203
00:11:16,057 --> 00:11:17,738
All right. Come here.

204
00:11:23,981 --> 00:11:27,462
Oh, Todd, I feel like we'll never have
a baby of our own!

205
00:11:27,542 --> 00:11:30,103
We will, Kelly.
You just have to visualize it.

206
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:34,185
Come on, close your eyes.
Picture a happy, healthy baby boy at play.

207
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:37,987
Now put him in a magic bubble
and release him to the universe.

208
00:11:39,668 --> 00:11:42,589
Honey, now I want you to visualize
Lindsay Lohan,

209
00:11:42,709 --> 00:11:45,310
only, naked
and doing a backwards crab-walk.

210
00:11:45,430 --> 00:11:46,711
- What?
- Just do this for me!

211
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:50,873
Ah, Peter! Where have you been, lad?

212
00:11:50,993 --> 00:11:54,355
Well, Dad, I was trying to find
my own religion, but it didn't work out.

213
00:11:54,435 --> 00:11:56,996
I haven't been this disappointed
since I lost my virginity.

214
00:12:01,038 --> 00:12:02,038
Uh-oh.

215
00:12:02,078 --> 00:12:03,798
You want to get some breakfast
or something?

216
00:12:04,159 --> 00:12:08,041
You want to find religion,
all you got to do is look in your heart.

217
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:11,482
Who's always been there for you,
offering wisdom and truth?

218
00:12:11,602 --> 00:12:14,604
You've known him all along, Son.
Now worship him!

219
00:12:14,884 --> 00:12:16,765
Oh, my God! Dad's right!

220
00:12:16,845 --> 00:12:21,087
There is only one person and it's time
for him to be properly worshipped.

221
00:12:21,367 --> 00:12:23,768
I, Peter Griffin, hereby establish

222
00:12:23,848 --> 00:12:26,449
the First United Church of the Fonz.

223
00:12:26,729 --> 00:12:29,651
Fonzie, if this be your
will, give me a sign.

224
00:12:32,972 --> 00:12:36,094
Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan.
This is how a crab walks.

225
00:12:36,174 --> 00:12:38,575
It sure is! Fonzie be praised!

226
00:12:43,697 --> 00:12:47,019
All right, Dad.
Two days ago, this was an old barn.

227
00:12:47,139 --> 00:12:50,420
And now, thanks to you,
it's an old barn with a sign on it.

228
00:12:50,540 --> 00:12:54,102
All things are possible through
the Lord God, Arthur Fonzarelli, Son.

229
00:12:54,262 --> 00:12:56,703
- So, you're really going through with this?
- Absolutely.

230
00:12:56,823 --> 00:12:58,904
You know this place only cost me $100?

231
00:12:59,024 --> 00:13:01,665
That's a better deal than that
Aaron Neville megaphone I bought.

232
00:13:01,785 --> 00:13:05,547
Okay, I wanna thank you guys for
making me Activity Director for the day.

233
00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:07,548
Okay, first of all, can...

234
00:13:09,629 --> 00:13:12,110
What the hell?
What the hell's wrong with this thing?

235
00:13:12,190 --> 00:13:14,471
Okay, we're about to start the...

236
00:13:19,113 --> 00:13:22,355
Peter, it's not a good idea
to be putting these flyers all over town.

237
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:23,996
People are gonna think you're crazy.

238
00:13:24,076 --> 00:13:25,957
Hey, how'd you like to lose
a bunch of teeth?

239
00:13:26,037 --> 00:13:28,718
I'm sorry, Lois, that was way more than
what was called for,

240
00:13:28,838 --> 00:13:31,055
but that's what happens
when you challenge someone's faith.

241
00:13:31,079 --> 00:13:35,521
Oh, Peter, I know this is important to you,
but I don't wanna see you humiliated.

242
00:13:35,641 --> 00:13:38,402
I don't think anyone's gonna
wanna worship the Fonz.

243
00:13:38,482 --> 00:13:40,643
- Is this the Church of the Fonz?
- Yes, it is.

244
00:13:40,763 --> 00:13:43,445
I read your flyer.
Finally, a religion that makes sense to me.

245
00:13:43,565 --> 00:13:45,165
Hey, everyone. I found him. Over here.

246
00:13:48,647 --> 00:13:51,528
Oh, there you are. You would not believe
the morning I've had.

247
00:14:26,624 --> 00:14:28,265
What in blazes is this?

248
00:14:28,385 --> 00:14:29,922
I thought you said
we were going to church.

249
00:14:29,946 --> 00:14:34,068
This is church, Francis, a new church,
created by a man who was brave enough

250
00:14:34,148 --> 00:14:35,388
to follow his own vision.

251
00:14:37,229 --> 00:14:38,350
Please rise.

252
00:14:39,390 --> 00:14:40,751
Now sit on it.

253
00:14:40,871 --> 00:14:41,871
The Fonz be with you.

254
00:14:41,991 --> 00:14:42,992
And also with you.

255
00:14:43,112 --> 00:14:46,273
- Let us "Eh."
- "Eh."

256
00:14:46,474 --> 00:14:48,675
Wow, I can't believe
people are actually buying this.

257
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,235
Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian.

258
00:14:50,355 --> 00:14:53,797
You see, deep down, I think we all
secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid.

259
00:14:53,877 --> 00:14:56,838
A reading from the letters
of Potsie to the Tuscaderos.

260
00:14:57,038 --> 00:15:01,640
Yea, and did Fonzie downstairs cometh
from his apartment above the garage.

261
00:15:02,121 --> 00:15:06,283
And sayeth he, " Reassembleth will I
the pieces of my motorcycle,

262
00:15:06,763 --> 00:15:09,524
"though I suffereth
from temporary blindness.

263
00:15:09,644 --> 00:15:13,846
"And yea, for I am holy,
befriendeth I will Sticks Downey,

264
00:15:14,126 --> 00:15:16,527
"the only negro in the state of Wisconsin."
Amen.

265
00:15:16,647 --> 00:15:17,647
Amen.

266
00:15:22,330 --> 00:15:24,411
- Brian, what's that smell?
- Black spray paint.

267
00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:28,453
- What were you painting?
Oh, you think you're so funny.

268
00:15:28,613 --> 00:15:31,574
Well, as soon as I figure out where I am,
you're dead, Brian!

269
00:15:32,735 --> 00:15:35,312
Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy
since I did those helium whippets

270
00:15:35,336 --> 00:15:36,657
at that birthday party.

271
00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:39,018
Okay, okay, ready? Here goes.

272
00:15:39,418 --> 00:15:41,659
I'm a female. I have a high voice.

273
00:15:41,739 --> 00:15:43,900
I have reproductive organs inside of me.

274
00:15:44,060 --> 00:15:45,300
And I buy groceries.

275
00:15:45,661 --> 00:15:48,502
Peter, your religion is an abomination.

276
00:15:48,702 --> 00:15:51,543
I never thought you could ever
embarrass me more in a church

277
00:15:51,623 --> 00:15:53,344
than you did
at your cousin Mary's wedding.

278
00:15:53,544 --> 00:15:56,906
And if anyone knows of any reason
why these two should not be married,

279
00:15:57,026 --> 00:15:58,587
let him speak now.

280
00:15:59,947 --> 00:16:01,068
Really?

281
00:16:01,468 --> 00:16:03,309
Nobody's gonna speak up.

282
00:16:03,429 --> 00:16:05,990
I'm the one who's gonna have to say it.

283
00:16:06,350 --> 00:16:07,591
All right.

284
00:16:07,791 --> 00:16:09,472
Genital warts.

285
00:16:09,872 --> 00:16:12,249
But, Dad, you're the one who said
I should look into my heart

286
00:16:12,273 --> 00:16:14,914
- to find my religion.
- Yes. Real religion.

287
00:16:14,994 --> 00:16:16,835
What I saw today wasn't religion.

288
00:16:16,915 --> 00:16:21,037
It was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs
and listening to ridiculous tall tales.

289
00:16:21,157 --> 00:16:23,478
- Actually, that is religion.
- Shut your trap, Brian.

290
00:16:23,558 --> 00:16:25,879
Hah! You tell him.
- Why? I agree with you.

291
00:16:25,999 --> 00:16:28,656
All Peter's done is found another way
to exploit people's ignorance,

292
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:29,841
and that's just wrong.

293
00:16:29,961 --> 00:16:32,002
You think I'm...

294
00:16:33,643 --> 00:16:35,924
See, Brian,
that's a word the Fonz can't say,

295
00:16:36,004 --> 00:16:38,685
because all is right
when you welcome Fonzie into your life.

296
00:16:38,805 --> 00:16:40,046
Fonzie be with you.

297
00:16:40,126 --> 00:16:43,007
I ought to take off my belt
and slap the crap out of him.

298
00:16:43,087 --> 00:16:45,688
Look, Francis.
I don't like you and you don't like me.

299
00:16:45,768 --> 00:16:48,489
But I suggest we set aside our differences
and work together.

300
00:16:48,610 --> 00:16:50,426
I have an idea
of how to snap Peter out of this.

301
00:16:50,450 --> 00:16:52,811
Work together? You and me?

302
00:16:52,932 --> 00:16:54,932
Sure, sometimes opposites
work well together.

303
00:16:55,012 --> 00:16:56,212
In fact, Peter taught me that.

304
00:17:14,581 --> 00:17:16,182
Reverend Peter, I gotta talk to you.

305
00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:18,823
Last night I had sex with a teenage blonde
and her mother.

306
00:17:18,943 --> 00:17:22,345
Well, that's quite a story, Quagmire,
but my church doesn't have confession.

307
00:17:22,425 --> 00:17:24,162
So there's really no reason
for you to tell me.

308
00:17:24,186 --> 00:17:26,867
Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody.
Giggity Goo Ga!

309
00:17:29,268 --> 00:17:31,909
Let us pause to reflect
on the sacred mystery

310
00:17:31,989 --> 00:17:34,110
of Richie's elder brother, Chuck,

311
00:17:34,230 --> 00:17:37,632
who ascended the stairs
with his basketball in Season One

312
00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:39,433
and never came down again.

313
00:17:39,513 --> 00:17:41,114
There's just one problem, Peter.

314
00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:44,115
When a religion gets too powerful,
it's bound to have imitators.

315
00:17:44,195 --> 00:17:45,516
What are you talking about?

316
00:17:45,596 --> 00:17:47,957
Hi. I'm Sherman Hemsley
and I've just established

317
00:17:48,037 --> 00:17:49,598
the Church of George Jefferson.

318
00:17:49,718 --> 00:17:51,558
Who wants to move on up?

319
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:55,640
Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod

320
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,001
and I've just established
the Church of Captain Stubing.

321
00:17:58,081 --> 00:17:59,242
Who wants to come onboard?

322
00:18:02,243 --> 00:18:03,644
Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron.

323
00:18:03,724 --> 00:18:06,565
Oh, great. You here to convert people
to the Church of Mike Seaver?

324
00:18:06,645 --> 00:18:09,407
No, I'm here to convert people
to Christianity.

325
00:18:09,487 --> 00:18:10,487
Okay.

326
00:18:10,927 --> 00:18:13,008
<i>Well, he was on Growing Pains.</i>

327
00:18:13,128 --> 00:18:15,169
I can't believe it. Everybody's gone.

328
00:18:15,249 --> 00:18:17,610
Well, people like that
are always looking for the next voice

329
00:18:17,690 --> 00:18:18,771
to tell them what to do.

330
00:18:18,891 --> 00:18:21,412
And here I was,
thinking I was making a difference.

331
00:18:21,492 --> 00:18:23,653
I thought I was actually connecting
with people.

332
00:18:23,733 --> 00:18:26,294
Could there be anyone stupider than me?

333
00:18:27,495 --> 00:18:29,936
- Madonna?
- Oh, yeah. She's pretty stupid.

334
00:18:30,056 --> 00:18:31,977
That's something we can all agree on,
right?

335
00:18:32,137 --> 00:18:35,178
- Absolutely, yeah. Francis?
- Oh, major idiot. Major idiot.

336
00:18:35,298 --> 00:18:36,459
Yeah, yeah. Well, gosh!

337
00:18:36,539 --> 00:18:38,820
I guess we do have some common ground
here after all, huh?

338
00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:42,382
Yeah. And La Isla Bonita, not a real place.
I looked it up. Couldn't find it.

339
00:18:42,462 --> 00:18:45,279
- Bought a globe. Couldn't find it.
- Oh, yeah? That makes her a liar, too.

340
00:18:45,303 --> 00:18:47,024
- She's awful.
- Awful, awful woman.

341
00:18:47,104 --> 00:18:48,785
- I agree, yeah.
- And she's a whore.

342
00:18:48,865 --> 00:18:51,546
- Oh yeah, big time.
- Oh, everybody. Canseco?

343
00:18:52,066 --> 00:18:54,147
- Dennis Rodman.
- Dennis Rodman, right. Right, yeah.

344
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,508
Rodman? My God!

345
00:18:55,588 --> 00:18:57,125
I think he lost all his money, didn't he?

346
00:18:57,149 --> 00:18:59,670
Rodman lost? You sure
you're not thinking of MC Hammer?

347
00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:03,191
No, no, I think... Well, him, too.
I read somewhere, I think it was in like,

348
00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:04,512
<i>like Stuff, or is it...</i>

349
00:19:04,632 --> 00:19:07,953
<i>No, no, no. You know what,
it was on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.</i>

350
00:19:08,074 --> 00:19:10,435
And they said that
he's in the poorhouse now, yeah.

351
00:19:10,515 --> 00:19:11,595
You think she'd do him now?

352
00:19:11,635 --> 00:19:14,116
What, would Madonna do Rodman now?

353
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,013
Oh, yeah, no,
'cause it's not about the money.

354
00:19:16,037 --> 00:19:17,134
It's about pissing off Daddy.

355
00:19:17,158 --> 00:19:18,774
That's right. She's got a lot of problems.

356
00:19:18,798 --> 00:19:20,479
- Lot of problems.
- Yeah, we are smarter.

357
00:19:20,599 --> 00:19:24,481
- We are smarter than Madonna.
- Oh, no question.

358
00:19:25,642 --> 00:19:27,683
Well, I should probably get out
of these robes.

359
00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:35,966
- Oh, look at you. You're all better.
- That's right, Brian. And you are toast.

360
00:19:36,046 --> 00:19:38,127
I'm gonna get in the gym, get my lats back

361
00:19:38,247 --> 00:19:41,769
and then me and my friends from
Cobra Kai are gonna take you down, man.

362
00:19:41,849 --> 00:19:44,690
Listen, sorry I had to rain on your parade,
Peter.

363
00:19:44,810 --> 00:19:46,171
It's all right, Brian.

364
00:19:46,291 --> 00:19:49,092
I guess the Church of the Fonz
was just a bad idea.

365
00:19:49,172 --> 00:19:53,494
Not really, Peter. You were preaching
honesty, friendship, courage.

366
00:19:53,774 --> 00:19:57,616
And if you manage to inspire
even one person to embrace those values

367
00:19:57,696 --> 00:19:59,177
then you are a success.

368
00:19:59,257 --> 00:20:01,898
Thanks, Lois.
But I doubt there's any chance of that.

