1
00:00:35,093 --> 00:00:37,554
<i>We now return to
The Adventures of Aquaman.</i>

2
00:00:45,228 --> 00:00:47,981
- Yeah?
- Hey, can you grab me another beer?

3
00:00:48,314 --> 00:00:50,984
<i>Yeah. Anything else?
Maybe, you know, TV Guide,</i>

4
00:00:51,109 --> 00:00:53,069
you know, another pillow for your feet
or something?

5
00:00:53,153 --> 00:00:57,115
No. Actually, you know what?
Get me, like, a Dewar's and soda, and,

6
00:00:57,449 --> 00:00:59,909
you know, try to keep the saltwater
out of it, if you could.

7
00:00:59,993 --> 00:01:02,120
- Try to keep the saltwater...
- Yeah.

8
00:01:02,203 --> 00:01:04,956
We're surrounded by saltwater, you know.
It's kind of difficult.

9
00:01:05,081 --> 00:01:07,125
I know. I'm just saying,
I'm just saying, try.

10
00:01:07,250 --> 00:01:08,251
Yeah, okay, I'll try.

11
00:01:08,334 --> 00:01:10,545
- You want me to wipe your ass, too?
- Oh, that's a helpful tone.

12
00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:13,923
I'm just saying, you're kind of abusing
your powers a little bit, don't you think?

13
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:16,634
Actually, this is all time that
could be spent getting me my beverage.

14
00:01:16,676 --> 00:01:17,844
Hey, what are you guys doing?

15
00:01:17,927 --> 00:01:20,388
We got to get ready for your grandpa's
80th birthday dinner.

16
00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:23,183
- Peter, calm down. He's just your father.
- Yeah, but I love him.

17
00:01:23,308 --> 00:01:26,853
His folksy racism,
his I-don't-care-where-I-am flatulence.

18
00:01:26,978 --> 00:01:28,605
And the way it always seems like
he's chewing,

19
00:01:28,730 --> 00:01:30,190
even when there's no food in there.

20
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,862
- Hiya, Dad.
- Francis, it's so good to see you.

21
00:01:36,070 --> 00:01:39,199
Lois, you haven't changed a bit,
you lying bitch.

22
00:01:40,241 --> 00:01:42,619
Francis, why don't you come
into the dining room, huh?

23
00:01:42,744 --> 00:01:44,871
The table's all set for your birthday dinner.

24
00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:49,417
Lois, actually, Dad said
he would prefer it if you did not join us,

25
00:01:49,584 --> 00:01:52,295
you know, you being a Protestant and all.

26
00:01:52,420 --> 00:01:54,214
He said it's okay if you sit
at the kid's table.

27
00:01:54,339 --> 00:01:56,049
Peter, I cooked the damn dinner.

28
00:01:56,132 --> 00:01:59,219
You know, I knew you were going to
react like this, and that's why

29
00:01:59,344 --> 00:02:01,387
I brought Bill Lumbergh
to explain it to you.

30
00:02:01,471 --> 00:02:06,101
Yeah, I'm going to need you to go ahead
and not complain about this.

31
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:10,105
Oh, and if you could go ahead
and sit at the kids' table,

32
00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:11,689
that'd be great.

33
00:02:13,650 --> 00:02:17,153
I'm just saying, '70s boobs were different.
I don't know.

34
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:19,906
You know, it wouldn't kill you
to contribute to the conversation.

35
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:24,369
Dad, tell us about World War I and how
America defeated Kaiser Permanente.

36
00:02:24,452 --> 00:02:27,247
Lois, when are you going to
get that baby baptized?

37
00:02:27,330 --> 00:02:29,040
Oh, God, not this again.

38
00:02:29,124 --> 00:02:31,626
Francis, why the hell is this always
an issue with you?

39
00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:36,256
Because I love this family and
I don't want my grandson to burn in hell.

40
00:02:36,381 --> 00:02:41,302
I love you, Grandpa. Your toenails
are the same color as my school bus.

41
00:02:41,594 --> 00:02:44,514
You really think that
splashing magic water on Stewie

42
00:02:44,639 --> 00:02:45,682
will keep him out of hell?

43
00:02:45,849 --> 00:02:48,685
Watch that kind of talk
or you'll get your heathen head smacked.

44
00:02:48,810 --> 00:02:49,811
Oh, that's very Christian.

45
00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:52,147
- "Believe what I say or I'll hurt you. "
- Now you're getting it.

46
00:02:56,192 --> 00:02:57,318
Peter, we have a problem.

47
00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:59,070
Hey, hang on, Lois. I'm watching a movie.

48
00:02:59,195 --> 00:03:01,948
<i>And now back to Jaws V,
Fire Island.</i>

49
00:03:02,323 --> 00:03:06,786
<i>- You think we should be this far out?
- Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine.</i>

50
00:03:07,036 --> 00:03:10,999
<i>Hey, I'm gonna eat you all.
I'm gonna eat that hairy leg.</i>

51
00:03:11,916 --> 00:03:15,879
<i>I'm gonna eat that one, too.
Oh, I can see right up them shorts.</i>

52
00:03:16,546 --> 00:03:19,966
<i>I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth
to chew you with.</i>

53
00:03:22,051 --> 00:03:26,347
<i>Oh, now wait a minute. I did have
a chubby kid on a raft earlier today.</i>

54
00:03:26,514 --> 00:03:29,684
<i>It's okay, though.
I've been swimming a lot lately.</i>

55
00:03:29,809 --> 00:03:30,935
<i>Yummy.</i>

56
00:03:31,561 --> 00:03:34,481
Peter, your father won't let up
about Stewie getting baptized.

57
00:03:34,564 --> 00:03:38,026
I am sick of him always trying to force
his religious views on us.

58
00:03:38,193 --> 00:03:40,236
All right, I'll talk to him, Lois,
but, you know,

59
00:03:40,361 --> 00:03:43,239
when my father wants something,
it's like sex with Kobe Bryant.

60
00:03:43,364 --> 00:03:47,285
You can kick and scream all you want,
but it's gonna happen.

61
00:03:50,580 --> 00:03:53,249
- Dad, what are you doing?
- There's no cross in here.

62
00:03:53,374 --> 00:03:55,126
Every kitchen needs a crucifix.

63
00:03:55,251 --> 00:03:58,213
Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up,"
like a bleeding, half-naked Jew

64
00:03:58,338 --> 00:03:59,380
nailed to a piece of wood.

65
00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:01,883
Listen, Dad, I gotta talk to you.

66
00:04:01,966 --> 00:04:06,513
Lois was wondering if maybe you could,
I don't know, ease up on the whole,

67
00:04:07,055 --> 00:04:10,475
you know, Jesus-ay Christ-ay,
if you catch my drift.

68
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,393
You're a lapsed Catholic, Peter.

69
00:04:12,477 --> 00:04:15,980
Your wife's a Protestant whore
and your baby isn't even baptized.

70
00:04:16,106 --> 00:04:18,608
All right, look, Dad,
I don't want you to hate me, all right?

71
00:04:18,691 --> 00:04:19,984
So I'll make a deal with you.

72
00:04:20,110 --> 00:04:24,114
If we get Stewie baptized, you and
all other old people have to acknowledge

73
00:04:24,197 --> 00:04:27,242
and be aware that there's crap
in the corners of your mouth.

74
00:04:27,325 --> 00:04:29,452
I'll think about it. Now let's go.

75
00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:32,455
Old people are gross, no matter how cute
they try to make them look

76
00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:34,749
<i>on Desperate Housewives. Go ahead.</i>

77
00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:37,836
Switch over to ABC for five seconds.
I'll wait. I'll wait five seconds.

78
00:04:42,173 --> 00:04:45,635
Oh, my God, did you see?
Did you see how old and ugly they are?

79
00:04:45,718 --> 00:04:48,847
Oh, my God, that redhead looks like
somebody pulled Silly Putty

80
00:04:48,972 --> 00:04:49,931
over their knee.

81
00:04:52,684 --> 00:04:56,438
I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin,
but I can't baptize little Stewie today.

82
00:04:56,521 --> 00:04:59,149
It turns out our last shipment
of holy water is tainted.

83
00:04:59,274 --> 00:05:01,985
Tainted? Holy water?
How did that happen?

84
00:05:10,618 --> 00:05:13,329
We'll call you
when we get a new shipment in.

85
00:05:13,455 --> 00:05:16,166
There's no such thing
as tainted holy water.

86
00:05:16,291 --> 00:05:17,834
Come on. We'll do it ourselves.

87
00:05:17,917 --> 00:05:22,881
Stewie Griffin, I baptize you in the name
of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

88
00:05:22,964 --> 00:05:24,841
- And Space Ghost.
- What are you doing?

89
00:05:24,924 --> 00:05:28,344
Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as
my bath with Kathy Bates.

90
00:05:31,890 --> 00:05:33,892
Yeah, I think I'm going to get out.

91
00:05:38,146 --> 00:05:40,356
Stewie, you don't look so good.

92
00:05:40,482 --> 00:05:43,359
Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God!

93
00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:45,779
Stewie, Stewie, speak to me!

94
00:05:45,904 --> 00:05:49,532
Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor.

95
00:05:52,243 --> 00:05:54,037
Mr. And Mrs. Griffin,
I've examined your son

96
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,164
and he is suffering from
a temporary toxic anemia

97
00:05:56,289 --> 00:05:58,249
which has substantially weakened
his immune system.

98
00:05:58,333 --> 00:05:59,542
Is he gonna die?

99
00:05:59,626 --> 00:06:02,629
No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection
and must be quarantined

100
00:06:02,754 --> 00:06:04,380
in a germ-free plastic environment.

101
00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:07,258
My God, you mean like John Travolta
in that movie?

102
00:06:07,383 --> 00:06:10,512
<i>Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off,
like in Face/Off?</i>

103
00:06:10,762 --> 00:06:13,264
Well, it looks like the operation
was a success.

104
00:06:13,389 --> 00:06:17,310
Do you know what the best part of this is?
Try licking yourself.

105
00:06:17,894 --> 00:06:19,145
You bastard!

106
00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:21,731
<i>Peter, he meant
The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.</i>

107
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:23,066
How could this have happened?

108
00:06:23,149 --> 00:06:26,152
It's obvious to me that Stewie's
been exposed to tainted holy water.

109
00:06:26,236 --> 00:06:29,239
Peter, you had Stewie baptized
behind my back?

110
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:30,365
Come on, honey.

111
00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:32,283
This is no worse than
when I rented out your uterus

112
00:06:32,408 --> 00:06:33,827
to those inner city immigrants.

113
00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:42,460
Peter, you're a complete slave
to your father's religion.

114
00:06:42,544 --> 00:06:46,506
What about your religious beliefs, huh?
You have a choice, you know.

115
00:06:46,631 --> 00:06:49,050
- I do?
- Of course. You're a grown man.

116
00:06:49,175 --> 00:06:52,011
- You can pick any religion you want.
- Really?

117
00:06:53,138 --> 00:06:54,639
You know, Lois, maybe you're right.

118
00:06:54,722 --> 00:06:58,184
Maybe I should pick my own religion.
The question is, which one?

119
00:06:58,268 --> 00:07:00,687
I'll tell you what you can pick.
A tune out on that piano.

120
00:07:05,108 --> 00:07:07,152
Oh, now how the whiz-bang
does the rest of it go?

121
00:07:07,277 --> 00:07:09,237
Quick! Make something up!

122
00:07:18,455 --> 00:07:21,166
Peter, what are all these women
doing in our living room?

123
00:07:21,249 --> 00:07:23,751
Lois, I took your advice
and picked a new religion.

124
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:26,880
- I'm gonna be a Mormon.
- A Mormon? Are you sure?

125
00:07:27,005 --> 00:07:30,008
Come on. Nailing a different wife
every night? That's a no-brainer.

126
00:07:30,091 --> 00:07:33,386
Oh, Lois, this is Kimmy,
the checkout girl from the Korean market.

127
00:07:33,470 --> 00:07:36,264
Nancy, our postal carrier.
And you know Tiffany,

128
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:39,225
the filthy woman who stands downtown
and screams at traffic.

129
00:07:39,350 --> 00:07:41,561
I ate a tube of Crest for dinner!

130
00:07:41,686 --> 00:07:45,732
Isn't she funny? She's definitely
the Kramer of my Mormon wives.

131
00:07:45,857 --> 00:07:49,527
- Nancy, get me a beer.
- Mormons aren't allowed to drink alcohol.

132
00:07:54,115 --> 00:07:56,201
Peter, did you just
throw those women away?

133
00:07:56,284 --> 00:07:57,577
No. Maybe.

134
00:08:01,790 --> 00:08:04,375
<i>Also in the news,
some trouble at St. Phillips Church.</i>

135
00:08:04,459 --> 00:08:05,585
<i>That's right, Diane.</i>

136
00:08:05,668 --> 00:08:08,922
<i>A shipment of tainted holy water
could put some local babies in jeopardy.</i>

137
00:08:09,005 --> 00:08:10,465
<i>Sounds dangerous, Tom.</i>

138
00:08:10,548 --> 00:08:12,759
<i>Be careful next time you're at confession
telling the priest</i>

139
00:08:12,842 --> 00:08:15,094
<i>about cheating on your wife
with that Filipino drag queen.</i>

140
00:08:15,178 --> 00:08:18,014
<i>Well, at least you're in no danger, Diane,
since you only visit church</i>

141
00:08:18,139 --> 00:08:21,351
<i>to leave your self-delivered, unwashed,
half-dead newborns on the back step.</i>

142
00:08:21,476 --> 00:08:25,063
<i>Coming up, how to turn
your unwanted change into folding money.</i>

143
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:27,982
You know, it's kind of sad seeing Stewie
in that plastic bubble.

144
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:32,028
- I think he looks like a bunny.
- Oh, that's it, Chris, keep laughing.

145
00:08:32,237 --> 00:08:34,197
When I get out of here,
you're going to get it.

146
00:08:34,322 --> 00:08:38,576
I'll lull you into a false sense of security
like those network television announcers.

147
00:08:38,660 --> 00:08:40,161
<i>Tonight
on an all-new Mama's Family,</i>

148
00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:42,956
<i>Mama's got more than she can handle
with the in-laws in town.</i>

149
00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:46,209
<i>A deadly fire
could spell death for a honeymoon couple</i>

150
00:08:46,334 --> 00:08:48,086
<i>on an all-new Hotel.</i>

151
00:08:48,169 --> 00:08:50,713
<i>Tonight on Newhart,
the stockings are stuffed with comedy</i>

152
00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:52,215
<i>when Bob has to play Santa Claus.</i>

153
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:54,384
<i>Then, a sniper's bullet
threatens a partnership</i>

154
00:08:54,509 --> 00:08:56,344
<i>on an all-new Cagney and Lacey.</i>

155
00:08:56,427 --> 00:08:58,179
<i>Tonight on a laugh-out-loud Night Court,</i>

156
00:08:58,304 --> 00:09:01,850
<i>love is in the air when Judge Harry's
old high-school flame comes to town.</i>

157
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:04,686
<i>Then, a child's death could mean
the case of Arnie Becker's life</i>

158
00:09:04,769 --> 00:09:06,229
<i>on an all-new L.A. Law.</i>

159
00:09:06,354 --> 00:09:07,313
<i>That's Night Court at 8:00.</i>

160
00:09:07,439 --> 00:09:08,773
<i>L.A. Law at 9:00.</i>

161
00:09:09,899 --> 00:09:11,734
Now remember, kids, don't touch Stewie.

162
00:09:11,860 --> 00:09:14,320
He's not allowed to have
any human contact.

163
00:09:16,573 --> 00:09:19,784
Hey, finish the job, idiot!
For God's sakes, there's no ventilation!

164
00:09:19,909 --> 00:09:21,828
It smells like Brian Dennehy in here!

165
00:09:21,911 --> 00:09:26,207
I see London, I see France,
I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass.

166
00:09:26,291 --> 00:09:28,710
Hey, gay-bo, I'm up here. Up here.

167
00:09:31,212 --> 00:09:32,422
Hi, my name's Peter.

168
00:09:32,547 --> 00:09:34,757
I'm a Jehovah's Witness,
here to spread the good news

169
00:09:34,883 --> 00:09:36,426
of the story of Jesus Christ.

170
00:09:36,551 --> 00:09:39,095
- Okay, go ahead.
- Really?

171
00:09:39,637 --> 00:09:40,805
Wow.

172
00:09:41,347 --> 00:09:44,642
Boy, you're the first person
who didn't slam the door on me.

173
00:09:44,768 --> 00:09:47,562
Okay, well,

174
00:09:47,645 --> 00:09:50,732
Jesus was a miracle worker, of sorts.

175
00:09:51,107 --> 00:09:55,737
He would travel from place to place,
putting things right that once went wrong

176
00:09:56,321 --> 00:10:00,366
and hoping each time that his next leap
would be the leap home.

177
00:10:05,997 --> 00:10:08,249
What do you think you're doing
with my wife?

178
00:10:08,583 --> 00:10:09,542
Oh, boy.

179
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:19,385
The pathway to enlightenment
starts with an unfettered, focused mind.

180
00:10:19,469 --> 00:10:21,638
- Look out!
- What are you doing?

181
00:10:21,805 --> 00:10:24,808
Oh? I thought that dot on your head
was from a sniper rifle.

182
00:10:24,891 --> 00:10:27,936
Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment.

183
00:10:28,019 --> 00:10:30,021
It's a portal, an opening through which

184
00:10:30,105 --> 00:10:33,108
all light, goodness, rejuvenation,
joy and ecstasy

185
00:10:33,191 --> 00:10:35,193
may enter the human form.

186
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:37,695
- A vagina?
- Get out.

187
00:10:42,909 --> 00:10:45,662
<i>Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View.</i>

188
00:10:45,745 --> 00:10:46,996
No! No, no! Not again!

189
00:10:57,173 --> 00:11:00,176
Let me out of here!
I can't watch another second!

190
00:11:02,387 --> 00:11:06,516
Relax, Stewie. The doctor gave me this
so you can get some exercise.

191
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:10,770
Boy, Stewie's more wound up than
Dad was that time he took steroids.

192
00:11:11,062 --> 00:11:13,648
Peter, could you please pass the potatoes?

193
00:11:14,399 --> 00:11:15,859
Damn it, Meg!

194
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:21,573
<i>Now, back to Happy Days.
- Ah, that Fonzie is magic.</i>

195
00:11:21,698 --> 00:11:23,908
I love the way he hits the jukebox
to make it work.

196
00:11:24,033 --> 00:11:25,201
<i>What is it, Mr. C?</i>

197
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:30,039
<i>Fonz, I wanted to pleasure Marion
for our anniversary, but, as you know,</i>

198
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:32,208
<i>I have erectile dysfunction.</i>

199
00:11:33,543 --> 00:11:36,421
<i>- Oh, there we go.
- Thank you, Arthur.</i>

200
00:11:36,504 --> 00:11:37,464
<i>Eh.</i>

201
00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:42,385
Brian, will you carry me upstairs?
I want to look at my toys.

202
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:45,430
- No. I'm watching television.
- Come on, I'm sick.

203
00:11:45,513 --> 00:11:47,265
All right. Come here.

204
00:11:53,813 --> 00:11:57,442
Oh, Todd, I feel like we'll never have
a baby of our own!

205
00:11:57,525 --> 00:12:00,195
We will, Kelly.
You just have to visualize it.

206
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:04,449
Come on, close your eyes.
Picture a happy, healthy baby boy at play.

207
00:12:04,616 --> 00:12:08,411
Now put him in a magic bubble
and release him to the universe.

208
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:13,208
Honey, now I want you to visualize
Lindsay Lohan,

209
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:16,044
only, naked
and doing a backwards crab-walk.

210
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:17,504
- What?
- Just do this for me!

211
00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:21,841
Ah, Peter! Where have you been, lad?

212
00:12:21,966 --> 00:12:25,470
Well, Dad, I was trying to find
my own religion, but it didn't work out.

213
00:12:25,553 --> 00:12:28,223
I haven't been this disappointed
since I lost my virginity.

214
00:12:32,435 --> 00:12:33,436
Uh-oh.

215
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,230
You want to get some breakfast
or something?

216
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:39,734
You want to find religion,
all you got to do is look in your heart.

217
00:12:39,859 --> 00:12:43,321
Who's always been there for you,
offering wisdom and truth?

218
00:12:43,446 --> 00:12:46,574
You've known him all along, Son.
Now worship him!

219
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:48,827
Oh, my God! Dad's right!

220
00:12:48,910 --> 00:12:53,331
There is only one person and it's time
for him to be properly worshipped.

221
00:12:53,623 --> 00:12:56,126
I, Peter Griffin, hereby establish

222
00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,920
the First United Church of the Fonz.

223
00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:02,257
Fonzie, if this be your will, give me a sign.

224
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:08,972
Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan.
This is how a crab walks.

225
00:13:09,055 --> 00:13:11,558
It sure is! Fonzie be praised!

226
00:13:16,896 --> 00:13:20,358
All right, Dad.
Two days ago, this was an old barn.

227
00:13:20,483 --> 00:13:23,903
And now, thanks to you,
it's an old barn with a sign on it.

228
00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:27,782
All things are possible through
the Lord God, Arthur Fonzarelli, Son.

229
00:13:27,949 --> 00:13:30,493
- So, you're really going through with this?
- Absolutely.

230
00:13:30,618 --> 00:13:32,787
You know this place only cost me $100?

231
00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:35,665
That's a better deal than that
Aaron Neville megaphone I bought.

232
00:13:35,790 --> 00:13:39,711
Okay, I wanna thank you guys for
making me Activity Director for the day.

233
00:13:39,836 --> 00:13:41,796
Okay, first of all, can...

234
00:13:43,965 --> 00:13:46,551
What the hell?
What the hell's wrong with this thing?

235
00:13:46,634 --> 00:13:49,012
Okay, we're about to start the...

236
00:13:53,850 --> 00:13:57,228
Peter, it's not a good idea
to be putting these flyers all over town.

237
00:13:57,312 --> 00:13:58,938
People are gonna think you're crazy.

238
00:13:59,022 --> 00:14:00,982
Hey, how'd you like to lose
a bunch of teeth?

239
00:14:01,065 --> 00:14:03,860
I'm sorry, Lois, that was way more than
what was called for,

240
00:14:03,985 --> 00:14:06,237
but that's what happens
when you challenge someone's faith.

241
00:14:06,321 --> 00:14:10,950
Oh, Peter, I know this is important to you,
but I don't wanna see you humiliated.

242
00:14:11,075 --> 00:14:13,953
I don't think anyone's gonna
wanna worship the Fonz.

243
00:14:14,037 --> 00:14:16,289
- Is this the Church of the Fonz?
- Yes, it is.

244
00:14:16,414 --> 00:14:19,209
I read your flyer.
Finally, a religion that makes sense to me.

245
00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:21,002
Hey, everyone. I found him. Over here.

246
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:27,634
Oh, there you are. You would not believe
the morning I've had.

247
00:15:04,254 --> 00:15:05,964
What in blazes is this?

248
00:15:06,089 --> 00:15:07,590
I thought you said
we were going to church.

249
00:15:07,715 --> 00:15:12,011
This is church, Francis, a new church,
created by a man who was brave enough

250
00:15:12,095 --> 00:15:13,388
to follow his own vision.

251
00:15:15,306 --> 00:15:16,474
Please rise.

252
00:15:17,559 --> 00:15:18,977
Now sit on it.

253
00:15:19,102 --> 00:15:20,145
The Fonz be with you.

254
00:15:20,270 --> 00:15:21,312
And also with you.

255
00:15:21,438 --> 00:15:24,732
- Let us "Eh. "
- "Eh. "

256
00:15:24,941 --> 00:15:27,235
Wow, I can't believe
people are actually buying this.

257
00:15:27,318 --> 00:15:28,862
Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian.

258
00:15:28,987 --> 00:15:32,574
You see, deep down, I think we all
secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid.

259
00:15:32,657 --> 00:15:35,743
A reading from the letters
of Potsie to the Tuscaderos.

260
00:15:35,952 --> 00:15:40,748
Yea, and did Fonzie downstairs cometh
from his apartment above the garage.

261
00:15:41,249 --> 00:15:45,587
And sayeth he, " Reassembleth will I
the pieces of my motorcycle,

262
00:15:46,087 --> 00:15:48,965
"though I suffereth
from temporary blindness.

263
00:15:49,090 --> 00:15:53,470
"And yea, for I am holy,
befriendeth I will Sticks Downey,

264
00:15:53,762 --> 00:15:56,264
"the only negro in the state of Wisconsin. "
Amen.

265
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:57,390
Amen.

266
00:16:02,312 --> 00:16:04,481
- Brian, what's that smell?
- Black spray paint.

267
00:16:04,773 --> 00:16:08,693
- What were you painting?
Oh, you think you're so funny.

268
00:16:08,860 --> 00:16:11,946
Well, as soon as I figure out where I am,
you're dead, Brian!

269
00:16:13,156 --> 00:16:15,784
Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy
since I did those helium whippets

270
00:16:15,867 --> 00:16:17,243
at that birthday party.

271
00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:19,704
Okay, okay, ready? Here goes.

272
00:16:20,121 --> 00:16:22,457
I'm a female. I have a high voice.

273
00:16:22,540 --> 00:16:24,834
I have reproductive organs inside of me.

274
00:16:25,001 --> 00:16:26,252
And I buy groceries.

275
00:16:26,669 --> 00:16:29,631
Peter, your religion is an abomination.

276
00:16:29,839 --> 00:16:32,801
I never thought you could ever
embarrass me more in a church

277
00:16:32,884 --> 00:16:34,677
than you did
at your cousin Mary's wedding.

278
00:16:34,886 --> 00:16:38,389
And if anyone knows of any reason
why these two should not be married,

279
00:16:38,515 --> 00:16:40,141
let him speak now.

280
00:16:41,559 --> 00:16:42,727
Really?

281
00:16:43,144 --> 00:16:45,063
Nobody's gonna speak up.

282
00:16:45,188 --> 00:16:47,857
I'm the one who's gonna have to say it.

283
00:16:48,233 --> 00:16:49,526
All right.

284
00:16:49,734 --> 00:16:51,486
Genital warts.

285
00:16:51,903 --> 00:16:54,280
But, Dad, you're the one who said
I should look into my heart

286
00:16:54,405 --> 00:16:57,158
- to find my religion.
- Yes. Real religion.

287
00:16:57,242 --> 00:16:59,160
What I saw today wasn't religion.

288
00:16:59,244 --> 00:17:03,540
It was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs
and listening to ridiculous tall tales.

289
00:17:03,665 --> 00:17:06,084
- Actually, that is religion.
- Shut your trap, Brian.

290
00:17:06,167 --> 00:17:08,586
Hah! You tell him.
- Why? I agree with you.

291
00:17:08,711 --> 00:17:11,381
All Peter's done is found another way
to exploit people's ignorance,

292
00:17:11,506 --> 00:17:12,715
and that's just wrong.

293
00:17:12,841 --> 00:17:14,968
You think I'm...

294
00:17:16,678 --> 00:17:19,055
See, Brian,
that's a word the Fonz can't say,

295
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,933
because all is right
when you welcome Fonzie into your life.

296
00:17:22,058 --> 00:17:23,351
Fonzie be with you.

297
00:17:23,435 --> 00:17:26,438
I ought to take off my belt
and slap the crap out of him.

298
00:17:26,521 --> 00:17:29,232
Look, Francis.
I don't like you and you don't like me.

299
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:32,152
But I suggest we set aside our differences
and work together.

300
00:17:32,277 --> 00:17:34,070
I have an idea
of how to snap Peter out of this.

301
00:17:34,195 --> 00:17:36,656
Work together? You and me?

302
00:17:36,781 --> 00:17:38,867
Sure, sometimes opposites
work well together.

303
00:17:38,950 --> 00:17:40,118
In fact, Peter taught me that.

304
00:17:59,387 --> 00:18:01,055
Reverend Peter, I gotta talk to you.

305
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,808
Last night I had sex with a teenage blonde
and her mother.

306
00:18:03,933 --> 00:18:07,479
Well, that's quite a story, Quagmire,
but my church doesn't have confession.

307
00:18:07,562 --> 00:18:09,314
So there's really no reason
for you to tell me.

308
00:18:09,397 --> 00:18:12,192
Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody.
Giggity Goo Ga!

309
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:17,447
Let us pause to reflect
on the sacred mystery

310
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,741
of Richie's elder brother, Chuck,

311
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:23,411
who ascended the stairs
with his basketball in Season One

312
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,288
and never came down again.

313
00:18:25,371 --> 00:18:27,040
There's just one problem, Peter.

314
00:18:27,165 --> 00:18:30,168
When a religion gets too powerful,
it's bound to have imitators.

315
00:18:30,251 --> 00:18:31,628
What are you talking about?

316
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:34,172
Hi. I'm Sherman Hemsley
and I've just established

317
00:18:34,255 --> 00:18:35,882
the Church of George Jefferson.

318
00:18:36,007 --> 00:18:37,926
Who wants to move on up?

319
00:18:41,012 --> 00:18:42,180
Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod

320
00:18:42,305 --> 00:18:44,641
and I've just established
the Church of Captain Stubing.

321
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:45,934
Who wants to come onboard?

322
00:18:49,062 --> 00:18:50,522
Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron.

323
00:18:50,605 --> 00:18:53,566
Oh, great. You here to convert people
to the Church of Mike Seaver?

324
00:18:53,650 --> 00:18:56,528
No, I'm here to convert people
to Christianity.

325
00:18:56,611 --> 00:18:57,654
Okay.

326
00:18:58,113 --> 00:19:00,281
<i>Well, he was on Growing Pains.</i>

327
00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:02,534
I can't believe it. Everybody's gone.

328
00:19:02,617 --> 00:19:05,078
Well, people like that
are always looking for the next voice

329
00:19:05,161 --> 00:19:06,287
to tell them what to do.

330
00:19:06,412 --> 00:19:09,040
And here I was,
thinking I was making a difference.

331
00:19:09,124 --> 00:19:11,376
I thought I was actually connecting
with people.

332
00:19:11,459 --> 00:19:14,129
Could there be anyone stupider than me?

333
00:19:15,380 --> 00:19:17,924
- Madonna?
- Oh, yeah. She's pretty stupid.

334
00:19:18,049 --> 00:19:20,051
That's something we can all agree on,
right?

335
00:19:20,218 --> 00:19:23,388
- Absolutely, yeah. Francis?
- Oh, major idiot. Major idiot.

336
00:19:23,513 --> 00:19:24,722
Yeah, yeah. Well, gosh!

337
00:19:24,806 --> 00:19:27,100
I guess we do have some common ground
here after all, huh?

338
00:19:27,225 --> 00:19:30,937
Yeah. And La Isla Bonita, not a real place.
I looked it up. Couldn't find it.

339
00:19:31,020 --> 00:19:33,857
- Bought a globe. Couldn't find it.
- Oh, yeah? That makes her a liar, too.

340
00:19:33,982 --> 00:19:35,775
- She's awful.
- Awful, awful woman.

341
00:19:35,859 --> 00:19:37,610
- I agree, yeah.
- And she's a whore.

342
00:19:37,694 --> 00:19:40,488
- Oh yeah, big time.
- Oh, everybody. Canseco?

343
00:19:41,030 --> 00:19:43,199
- Dennis Rodman.
- Dennis Rodman, right. Right, yeah.

344
00:19:43,324 --> 00:19:44,617
Rodman? My God!

345
00:19:44,701 --> 00:19:46,244
I think he lost all his money, didn't he?

346
00:19:46,327 --> 00:19:48,955
Rodman lost? You sure
you're not thinking of MC Hammer?

347
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,625
No, no, I think... Well, him, too.
I read somewhere, I think it was in like,

348
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:54,002
<i>like Stuff, or is it...</i>

349
00:19:54,127 --> 00:19:57,589
<i>No, no, no. You know what,
it was on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.</i>

350
00:19:57,714 --> 00:20:00,175
And they said that
he's in the poorhouse now, yeah.

351
00:20:00,258 --> 00:20:01,301
You think she'd do him now?

352
00:20:01,426 --> 00:20:04,012
What, would Madonna do Rodman now?

353
00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:05,889
Oh, yeah, no,
'cause it's not about the money.

354
00:20:06,014 --> 00:20:07,098
It's about pissing off Daddy.

355
00:20:07,182 --> 00:20:08,808
That's right. She's got a lot of problems.

356
00:20:08,892 --> 00:20:10,643
- Lot of problems.
- Yeah, we are smarter.

357
00:20:10,769 --> 00:20:14,814
- We are smarter than Madonna.
- Oh, no question.

358
00:20:16,024 --> 00:20:18,151
Well, I should probably get out
of these robes.

359
00:20:22,864 --> 00:20:26,785
- Oh, look at you. You're all better.
- That's right, Brian. And you are toast.

360
00:20:26,868 --> 00:20:29,037
I'm gonna get in the gym, get my lats back

361
00:20:29,162 --> 00:20:32,832
and then me and my friends from
Cobra Kai are gonna take you down, man.

362
00:20:32,916 --> 00:20:35,877
Listen, sorry I had to rain on your parade,
Peter.

363
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:37,420
It's all right, Brian.

364
00:20:37,545 --> 00:20:40,465
I guess the Church of the Fonz
was just a bad idea.

365
00:20:40,548 --> 00:20:45,053
Not really, Peter. You were preaching
honesty, friendship, courage.

366
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:49,349
And if you manage to inspire
even one person to embrace those values

367
00:20:49,432 --> 00:20:50,975
then you are a success.

368
00:20:51,059 --> 00:20:53,812
Thanks, Lois.
But I doubt there's any chance of that.

