1
00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:15,738
This is a message to all American infidels.

2
00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,556
Prepare to die in a sea of holy fire.

3
00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:22,741
You will be punished for your decadent
ways on the first day of Radaman.

4
00:00:22,878 --> 00:00:23,878
You...

5
00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:26,279
Wait. Wait a minute. Did I just say...

6
00:00:26,303 --> 00:00:28,212
What did I say? "Radaman"?

7
00:00:29,406 --> 00:00:32,188
Ramadan. Radaman. What is that?

8
00:00:32,382 --> 00:00:35,611
Yeah, maybe Dennis "Radaman"
is gonna punish you with his crazy hair.

9
00:00:35,709 --> 00:00:37,400
No?
Osama.

10
00:00:37,502 --> 00:00:41,047
What's that? Right, right. Yeah, no.
Okay, okay.

11
00:00:41,150 --> 00:00:44,728
All right, let's go again. Okay.
This is a message to all...

12
00:00:46,205 --> 00:00:48,147
I'm not gonna be able to do it now.

13
00:00:48,253 --> 00:00:50,292
Okay, all right, okay. I
got to get all the...

14
00:00:50,397 --> 00:00:53,713
I got to get all the laughs out. Okay?
I got to get all the laughs out.

15
00:00:56,892 --> 00:00:58,714
- Okay, all right.
- Today sometime.

16
00:00:58,812 --> 00:01:01,976
Stop making that face over there!
What are you doing? I can't...

17
00:01:02,076 --> 00:01:04,313
He makes that face
and it makes me laugh, okay?

18
00:01:04,411 --> 00:01:06,386
You know what, just turn around.
Turn around.

19
00:01:06,491 --> 00:01:09,491
I don't care where you look.
Just look over there. Okay, all right.

20
00:01:09,595 --> 00:01:12,377
They're cracking...
They're cracking up over there. Okay.

21
00:01:12,475 --> 00:01:14,580
Oh, yeah.
Look who's snickering over there.

22
00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:17,301
Mr. L-can't-do-a-suicide-bombing-
because-I'm-sick.

23
00:01:17,402 --> 00:01:18,417
He had a note.

24
00:01:18,523 --> 00:01:19,570
He got you.
He's so bad.

25
00:01:19,674 --> 00:01:21,300
He had a note from his doctor.

26
00:01:21,402 --> 00:01:24,501
He brought a note from his doctor.
It's a suicide bombing.

27
00:01:24,602 --> 00:01:25,911
- It's true.
- What are you...

28
00:01:26,010 --> 00:01:27,472
Okay, all right. Here we go.

29
00:01:27,578 --> 00:01:30,360
This is where I get all serious now.
Okay. Death...

30
00:01:31,545 --> 00:01:34,545
I can't. I can't do it. I can't do it.
I can't.

31
00:01:34,649 --> 00:01:36,504
Oh, come on.
Now you're just trying to make...

32
00:01:36,601 --> 00:01:38,259
Hey, wait, wait, wait.

33
00:01:38,361 --> 00:01:40,303
Look, look, rubber chicken, you know?

34
00:01:40,409 --> 00:01:43,224
I should do, like, the whole tape
with this in my hand, you know?

35
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:46,305
Just totally, like, with the chicken
right here because everyone will be like,

36
00:01:46,329 --> 00:01:49,460
"What the hell?
What is 'Death to Americans'?"

37
00:01:49,912 --> 00:01:51,734
Just let him do it. Let him do the tape.

38
00:01:51,832 --> 00:01:52,832
Talking chicken.

39
00:01:52,888 --> 00:01:54,016
Don't blame me. It was the chicken.

40
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,862
He was... Oh, no. Actually, no.

41
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,814
You know what would be better?
Hey, wait, wait.

42
00:01:57,911 --> 00:02:01,969
Just walk out like this.
I just come out like this, but all serious.

43
00:02:02,071 --> 00:02:04,143
Like this totally, like,
completely serious.

44
00:02:04,247 --> 00:02:06,614
- Like I don't even know I'm wearing them.
- Oh, man!

45
00:02:06,711 --> 00:02:09,645
Death. Death to America. What? What?

46
00:02:09,751 --> 00:02:11,951
What are you looking at?
Do I have something on my face?

47
00:02:11,991 --> 00:02:15,787
What? Right here? What?
Boys, I'm just wearing my regular glasses.

48
00:02:15,894 --> 00:02:17,650
- I always wear these.
- That is crazy.

49
00:02:17,750 --> 00:02:19,823
Hey, it's me in an '80s movie, right? Yeah.

50
00:02:20,982 --> 00:02:24,178
Hey, he got it. He got it over there.
The little guy got it.

51
00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,478
Who is that guy?
I've never seen him around here before.

52
00:02:26,550 --> 00:02:28,175
How's it going, chief?

53
00:02:28,470 --> 00:02:31,252
Good day to you, sir.
And now prepare to die.

54
00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:10,351
- Who are you?
- I'm Stewie Griffin.

55
00:03:11,890 --> 00:03:14,704
And don't ever let me
catch you guys in Quahog!

56
00:03:56,334 --> 00:03:58,636
Hey, Stewie. Who the hell is that?

57
00:04:07,149 --> 00:04:10,629
- Peter, it's 5:30 in the morning.
- Oh, sorry, Lois.

58
00:04:10,733 --> 00:04:13,154
- I didn't know you were home.
- What the hell are you doing?

59
00:04:13,261 --> 00:04:15,650
I'm laying down the red carpet.
The Emmys are on tonight.

60
00:04:15,757 --> 00:04:18,440
Oh, God. Don't tell me
you forgot about Meg's play tonight.

61
00:04:18,541 --> 00:04:19,882
But, Lois, Meg sucks!

62
00:04:19,980 --> 00:04:22,533
Everything she does
is so freaking terrible and depressing.

63
00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:24,676
Plus, I went to her first grade play
that one time.

64
00:04:24,780 --> 00:04:28,576
Oh, Robin Hood, the king is keeping me
prisoner here in his castle.

65
00:04:28,684 --> 00:04:30,920
Don't worry, Maid Marian, I'll save you.

66
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:33,703
Boy, you guys are not sucking me
into the story at all.

67
00:04:33,804 --> 00:04:35,811
I'm just telling you for your own benefit.

68
00:04:35,915 --> 00:04:38,501
I'm very aware
that I'm watching a play right now.

69
00:04:38,603 --> 00:04:40,032
Come on, I got to watch the Emmys.

70
00:04:40,139 --> 00:04:42,822
Peter, you're going to Meg's play
and that's that.

71
00:04:42,955 --> 00:04:46,054
Is that that now, Mrs. That's that?

72
00:04:46,154 --> 00:04:49,732
If you're gonna shoot me,
you might want to tie your shoelaces first.

73
00:04:51,114 --> 00:04:52,936
Now, are you gonna go
to Meg's play or not?

74
00:04:53,034 --> 00:04:54,034
Yes!

75
00:04:54,090 --> 00:04:56,479
- You like eating red carpet, tough guy?
- Yes!

76
00:04:56,650 --> 00:04:59,945
Say you like eating red carpet!
I like eating red carpet.

77
00:05:00,713 --> 00:05:01,760
Giggity.

78
00:05:06,601 --> 00:05:09,154
God, why do you wear
those rainbow suspenders?

79
00:05:09,257 --> 00:05:12,191
Well, I could tell you,
but I'd rather show you

80
00:05:12,457 --> 00:05:14,693
through interpretive dance.

81
00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:26,980
Crying baby. I'll take him out.

82
00:05:27,879 --> 00:05:30,661
You know, Lois, if we leave now,
we can get home and catch the Emmy

83
00:05:30,759 --> 00:05:32,449
for Best Documentary.

84
00:05:32,711 --> 00:05:36,770
- I hear there's one on vacuuming.
- Really? Well, that sounds interesting.

85
00:05:36,871 --> 00:05:39,293
Wait a minute.
You can't fool me that easily.

86
00:05:39,398 --> 00:05:42,245
You are not watching the Emmys tonight.
Now shush.

87
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,476
Excuse me.
I got to go do some black guy stuff.

88
00:05:49,638 --> 00:05:52,355
Man, this sucks worse than
my 16th birthday party.

89
00:05:52,614 --> 00:05:55,461
Thanks for coming
to my birthday party, Jake Ryan.

90
00:05:55,558 --> 00:05:57,892
Thanks for having me
at your birthday party, Peter.

91
00:05:57,990 --> 00:06:00,772
- Make a wish.
- It's already come true.

92
00:06:00,869 --> 00:06:02,527
Here's your present.

93
00:06:03,109 --> 00:06:05,116
No, Jake! Not like this!

94
00:06:08,676 --> 00:06:12,899
<i>Our top story, beloved entertainer
Bob Hope briefly came back to life today</i>

95
00:06:12,995 --> 00:06:15,199
<i>only to die in a tragic
motorcycle accident.</i>

96
00:06:15,300 --> 00:06:17,634
Hey, I'm gonna jump all those trash cans.

97
00:06:22,819 --> 00:06:26,332
<i>In other news, actor David Hyde Pierce
created a major controversy</i>

98
00:06:26,434 --> 00:06:27,645
<i>at the Emmys last night</i>

99
00:06:27,747 --> 00:06:30,911
<i>when a trouser malfunction
caused him to expose his testicles.</i>

100
00:06:31,011 --> 00:06:32,799
<i>Sure glad
I didn't miss the Emmys, Diane.</i>

101
00:06:32,899 --> 00:06:34,208
Oh, that's just great, Lois.

102
00:06:34,307 --> 00:06:36,695
Thanks to you,
I missed a moment of television history.

103
00:06:36,802 --> 00:06:40,479
Well, now you know how George W. Bush
felt when he showed up in Vietnam.

104
00:06:42,209 --> 00:06:44,446
All right, let's do this.
Let's kick some ass.

105
00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:46,592
- George, the war is over.
- What?

106
00:06:46,690 --> 00:06:48,828
- Yeah, it's done.
- Get out of here! Are you serious?

107
00:06:48,929 --> 00:06:50,423
- Yeah.
- Oh, man! Oh, man!

108
00:06:50,529 --> 00:06:52,951
I just got your messages. Oh, I'm sorry.

109
00:06:53,057 --> 00:06:54,781
George, it's been over for a while.

110
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:56,822
- Really?
- Yeah. It's 1981.

111
00:06:56,929 --> 00:06:59,449
It's... Oh, wow!
Oh, so I'm way late. Oh, boy!

112
00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:01,352
- Yeah.
- Well, you want to do something else?

113
00:07:01,441 --> 00:07:02,967
- I got some blow.
- Son of a bitch!

114
00:07:03,072 --> 00:07:05,210
It took you this long to tell me?
Break it out, man!

115
00:07:07,296 --> 00:07:10,525
Gentlemen, we got 20 calls
about the David Hyde Pierce incident.

116
00:07:10,624 --> 00:07:13,111
And as you know,
one call equals a billion people.

117
00:07:13,216 --> 00:07:16,445
Which means 20 billion people
were offended by this.

118
00:07:16,543 --> 00:07:18,201
Needless to say, something must be done.

119
00:07:18,303 --> 00:07:20,986
- Perhaps we should ask the chairman.
- Good idea.

120
00:07:21,599 --> 00:07:24,250
Sir, we're wondering
what course of action you recommend

121
00:07:24,350 --> 00:07:26,008
regarding the Hyde Pierce incident.

122
00:07:26,110 --> 00:07:28,531
You've got to censor television, you fools!

123
00:07:28,638 --> 00:07:30,394
Now follow my orders.

124
00:07:36,413 --> 00:07:38,901
<i>And now,
stay tuned for Three's Company.</i>

125
00:07:39,005 --> 00:07:41,940
<i>Jack, are you out there?
I want to show you my new bikini.</i>

126
00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:44,696
What the hell! Why are they blocking out
all the good stuff?

127
00:07:44,796 --> 00:07:46,040
<i>It's The... Van... Show</i>

128
00:07:47,197 --> 00:07:49,084
<i>Starring... Van...</i>

129
00:07:49,373 --> 00:07:50,899
They're messing with my shows.

130
00:07:51,005 --> 00:07:53,060
Come to think of it,
there was something very different

131
00:07:53,084 --> 00:07:55,026
<i>about that Honeymooners episode
I watched today.</i>

132
00:07:55,132 --> 00:07:57,979
<i>One of these days, Alice,
one of these days...</i>

133
00:07:58,076 --> 00:08:01,425
<i>I'm gonna help stimulate the economy
by buying an American car.</i>

134
00:08:01,531 --> 00:08:04,826
This must be the FCC overreacting
to the David Hyde Pierce incident.

135
00:08:04,923 --> 00:08:07,443
They're censoring anything
that might be viewed as unpleasant.

136
00:08:07,547 --> 00:08:10,514
What the hell!
They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV,

137
00:08:10,619 --> 00:08:11,829
and she looks like a foot.

138
00:08:11,930 --> 00:08:14,352
Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this.

139
00:08:16,602 --> 00:08:19,188
You're on TV, Mr. Tucker.
Can't you do something about this?

140
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,462
Well, Peter, I'm flattered
you came to me for help.

141
00:08:21,562 --> 00:08:23,155
We'll have more after this.

142
00:08:24,058 --> 00:08:25,058
Good evening. We're back.

143
00:08:25,146 --> 00:08:27,764
Peter, to answer your question,
if you want to control content,

144
00:08:27,866 --> 00:08:29,807
you'd have to start
your own television station.

145
00:08:29,913 --> 00:08:31,189
My own TV station?

146
00:08:31,289 --> 00:08:34,071
I haven't had my own business
since I ran that mail order operation.

147
00:08:34,233 --> 00:08:37,233
Yeah, I bought a giant,
life-size slingshot from you,

148
00:08:37,337 --> 00:08:38,930
and it just slammed me into a mountain.

149
00:08:39,033 --> 00:08:41,454
- Sorry, no returns.
- I've been a customer here for years.

150
00:08:41,561 --> 00:08:45,073
- I can maybe give you a store credit.
- But... Really? Well, I guess...

151
00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:47,510
- What's the holdup in here?
- I'm taking care of it.

152
00:08:49,272 --> 00:08:51,541
Peter, what are you doing?
What is all this stuff?

153
00:08:51,639 --> 00:08:55,316
Dad's starting his own TV station,
but I'm not supposed to tell Mom

154
00:08:55,416 --> 00:08:57,172
because she's just gonna bitch him out.

155
00:08:57,271 --> 00:08:59,475
What the hell do you expect
to accomplish with this?

156
00:08:59,575 --> 00:09:01,397
I'm saving television, Lois.

157
00:09:01,495 --> 00:09:03,317
Apache Chief, put the
satellite on the roof.

158
00:09:03,414 --> 00:09:05,389
Sure, Peter. Apache Chief...

159
00:09:10,423 --> 00:09:14,317
Well, that was the high point of my day.
Guess I'll go gamble.

160
00:09:21,141 --> 00:09:24,337
<i>Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin.
And you're watching PTV,</i>

161
00:09:24,437 --> 00:09:27,404
<i>where you get to watch your
favorite shows as nature intended them,</i>

162
00:09:27,509 --> 00:09:30,508
<i>with all the sex,
violence, swearing and farts intact.</i>

163
00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:33,908
<i>Like the episode of All in the Family
where Archie got the Jeffersons to move.</i>

164
00:09:35,540 --> 00:09:37,929
Time for you to move there, Jefferson.

165
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:41,833
Oh, Archie. I can't see out of my sheet!

166
00:09:41,940 --> 00:09:45,649
Edith, will you stifle yourself?
We're supposed to be incognitus.

167
00:09:45,747 --> 00:09:48,943
<i>And who could forget that classic episode
of The Waltons?</i>

168
00:09:49,043 --> 00:09:51,377
- Goodnight, Jim-Bob.
- Goodnight, Mary Ellen.

169
00:09:51,475 --> 00:09:53,711
- Goodnight, Pa.
- Goodnight, Jim-Bob.

170
00:09:53,811 --> 00:09:55,786
- Goodnight, Elizabeth.
- Goodnight, Pa.

171
00:09:55,891 --> 00:09:58,312
- Goodnight, Ma.
- Goodnight, Elizabeth.

172
00:09:58,419 --> 00:10:00,077
Goodnight, John-Boy.

173
00:10:00,851 --> 00:10:02,095
Goodnight, John-Boy.

174
00:10:04,274 --> 00:10:05,274
John-Boy?

175
00:10:05,330 --> 00:10:07,719
Damn it!
Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

176
00:10:10,769 --> 00:10:12,777
Peter, look at these numbers. We're a hit.

177
00:10:12,881 --> 00:10:15,564
If I were you, I'd think about
expanding your programming somehow.

178
00:10:15,665 --> 00:10:17,094
Brian, that's a great idea.

179
00:10:17,201 --> 00:10:20,136
That's exactly what we need
to take PTV to the next level.

180
00:10:20,241 --> 00:10:22,030
Original programming.

181
00:10:22,193 --> 00:10:25,356
<i>Hi, there. And welcome to
The Peter Griffin Side Boob Hour.</i>

182
00:10:25,456 --> 00:10:27,758
A wonderful look back
on all the partial nudity

183
00:10:27,856 --> 00:10:29,766
network television used to offer.

184
00:10:29,872 --> 00:10:31,661
Look at that side boob.

185
00:10:32,272 --> 00:10:34,443
Check out this side boob.

186
00:10:35,055 --> 00:10:38,284
How about that side boob?
That turn you on?

187
00:10:38,447 --> 00:10:41,829
Well, it shouldn't,
because that's my side boob.

188
00:10:42,383 --> 00:10:43,560
Goodnight, everybody.

189
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,347
- So, what do you think?
- I'm not sure, Peter.

190
00:10:46,447 --> 00:10:48,902
You got to be careful
about what you put on your network.

191
00:10:49,006 --> 00:10:50,861
You know how impressionable
children are.

192
00:10:50,959 --> 00:10:53,414
I mean, remember what happened
after Chris saw Jackie Mason?

193
00:10:53,518 --> 00:10:55,493
Chris, you should have
left for school already.

194
00:10:55,598 --> 00:10:57,159
<i>Oy, shiksa, don't start with me.</i>

195
00:10:57,262 --> 00:10:59,574
I didn't go, I wanted to go,
I forgot to go, I should have gone.

196
00:10:59,598 --> 00:11:01,191
- Chris, just go!
- Mom, relax.

197
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:02,537
<i>You look so haggard, zebezel.</i>

198
00:11:02,638 --> 00:11:04,398
You should lie down
or your heart might go...

199
00:11:04,877 --> 00:11:07,943
Lois, don't worry about it.
I got a bunch of great new shows lined up.

200
00:11:08,142 --> 00:11:10,694
<i>Cheeky Bastard is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.</i>

201
00:11:10,797 --> 00:11:13,066
Oh, my God! Where is my roast pheasant?

202
00:11:13,165 --> 00:11:15,848
By now I think it's in my lower intestine.

203
00:11:17,069 --> 00:11:20,102
You ate it? But I told you
my boss was coming here for dinner.

204
00:11:20,204 --> 00:11:23,204
Well, unless he likes pork rinds,
he's going home hungry.

205
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,309
You cheeky bastard.

206
00:11:31,403 --> 00:11:32,996
<i>Welcome to Midnight Q.</i>

207
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:36,198
Tonight we're gonna enjoy
the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus.

208
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:39,178
Norman Mailer is here to read
an excerpt from his latest book.

209
00:11:39,274 --> 00:11:42,056
And then we also have a girl from Omaha
who's hiding a banana.

210
00:11:42,154 --> 00:11:43,267
We'll find out where.

211
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,923
Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.
Stick around.

212
00:11:49,130 --> 00:11:50,177
More fan mail.

213
00:11:50,282 --> 00:11:52,835
Sheesh, Brian, people freaking love us.
We're gonna be huge.

214
00:11:52,938 --> 00:11:56,233
Peter, I really want you to cancel
that show with the animals having sex.

215
00:11:56,330 --> 00:11:58,817
<i>For your information, Lois,
it's called Dogs Humping,</i>

216
00:11:58,922 --> 00:12:01,289
and it is the cornerstone
of our Wednesday night lineup.

217
00:12:01,385 --> 00:12:03,524
Lois, responsibility lies with the parents.

218
00:12:03,625 --> 00:12:06,577
There are plenty of things that are
much worse for children than television.

219
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,488
Like when Peter babysat
for the neighbor's kid.

220
00:12:09,704 --> 00:12:11,460
All right, I couldn't find your toys,

221
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:14,756
so why don't you just play
with this blow dryer and these rattles?

222
00:12:14,856 --> 00:12:17,758
Guess that's it. You probably want me
to get out of your hair.

223
00:12:17,864 --> 00:12:20,319
So here's the Drano in case there's a clog.

224
00:12:20,647 --> 00:12:23,942
Soap's right there next to the radio,
and towels are on the roof.

225
00:12:24,039 --> 00:12:25,413
So, goodnight.

226
00:12:26,791 --> 00:12:29,661
Look, it's one thing for a network
to run inappropriate shows

227
00:12:29,767 --> 00:12:31,141
that I can't do anything about.

228
00:12:31,239 --> 00:12:33,311
But I will not have it happening
in my own house.

229
00:12:33,415 --> 00:12:36,960
Lois, there is absolutely nothing
inappropriate about my programming.

230
00:12:39,974 --> 00:12:41,884
All right, Dad. You're on.

231
00:12:41,990 --> 00:12:44,837
<i>Hey, PTVfans, welcome to douchebags.</i>

232
00:12:44,934 --> 00:12:46,876
We're out here on the I-95 overpass

233
00:12:46,981 --> 00:12:50,080
doing our first segment,
"I dare you to crap off of that."

234
00:12:50,181 --> 00:12:52,353
Basically, we'll spend the day
crapping off things

235
00:12:52,453 --> 00:12:54,177
that others have dared us to crap off.

236
00:12:54,277 --> 00:12:56,666
- I dared him.
- All right, here we go.

237
00:12:57,925 --> 00:13:00,314
I say, are those two pigs
vomiting up there?

238
00:13:04,612 --> 00:13:05,539
Uh-oh.

239
00:13:05,636 --> 00:13:08,767
Now, Lois, before you start yelling,
let me remind you that you were the one

240
00:13:08,868 --> 00:13:10,973
who recklessly drove
into oncoming crap.

241
00:13:11,075 --> 00:13:12,537
It was inexcusable, Peter.

242
00:13:12,643 --> 00:13:15,131
And Stewie may never
be able to ride in a car again.

243
00:13:15,235 --> 00:13:16,796
Turn off the windshield wipers.

244
00:13:16,899 --> 00:13:19,266
They don't work.
They're just making it worse.

245
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:20,573
Peter, that's it.

246
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:23,096
I asked you to stop this
and you didn't listen to me.

247
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:27,064
I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice.
I called the FCC.

248
00:13:27,171 --> 00:13:29,789
Oh, yeah. I know all about the FCC.

249
00:14:45,596 --> 00:14:47,701
Mr. Griffin, that was terrific.

250
00:14:47,836 --> 00:14:51,513
But I'm here to tell you, that as of today,
PTV is officially shut down.

251
00:14:51,612 --> 00:14:54,907
Shut me down, huh?
Well, you'll have to catch me first.

252
00:15:07,578 --> 00:15:09,073
All right, you caught me.

253
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,609
We're tired of you infecting people
with your smut.

254
00:15:11,707 --> 00:15:13,976
This is an epidemic.
And it must be contained.

255
00:15:14,074 --> 00:15:16,758
Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV,

256
00:15:16,858 --> 00:15:19,760
but you can never stop people
from being who they are!

257
00:15:20,698 --> 00:15:22,105
Or can we?

258
00:15:26,010 --> 00:15:28,431
- What are you doing?
- Censoring real life.

259
00:15:28,538 --> 00:15:31,156
His chin looks like balls.
You want me to cover that, too?

260
00:15:34,393 --> 00:15:36,248
How long are you guys
gonna be censoring us?

261
00:15:36,345 --> 00:15:39,312
Until you and all of Quahog
start to clean up your act.

262
00:15:39,416 --> 00:15:42,231
Like Ozzy Osbourne when he stopped
biting the heads off bats.

263
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:47,437
<i>Before I start playing,
I'm gonna eat this whole sandwich.</i>

264
00:16:01,686 --> 00:16:03,093
<i>I'll finish it later.</i>

265
00:16:03,191 --> 00:16:04,191
<i>Yay!</i>

266
00:16:04,247 --> 00:16:05,905
Lois, these eggs are scrambled.

267
00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:08,876
I thought for sure you'd be making
eggs Benedict Arnold.

268
00:16:10,038 --> 00:16:12,274
Brian, stop writing jokes for Peter.

269
00:16:12,374 --> 00:16:15,756
And, Peter, you brought this on yourself
by putting on those filthy shows.

270
00:16:15,862 --> 00:16:17,102
Oh, Lois, you are so full of...

271
00:16:18,165 --> 00:16:19,165
What?

272
00:16:19,221 --> 00:16:21,709
Now I can't say... in my own... house?

273
00:16:22,261 --> 00:16:24,116
Great, Lois. Just... great.

274
00:16:24,213 --> 00:16:27,312
You know, you're lucky you're good at...
my... or I'd never put up with you.

275
00:16:27,412 --> 00:16:30,511
You know what I'm talking about.
When you... lubed up... toothpaste

276
00:16:30,613 --> 00:16:34,573
in my... cherry... Episcopalian...
extension cord...

277
00:16:34,676 --> 00:16:36,498
wetness... with a parking ticket.

278
00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,002
That is the best.

279
00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:45,521
- What the hell is this?
- The FCC has forbidden audible flatulence.

280
00:16:45,619 --> 00:16:47,758
Everyone is now required
to wear this device

281
00:16:47,860 --> 00:16:50,478
that converts all fart sounds
into Steven Wright jokes.

282
00:16:50,579 --> 00:16:53,546
<i>I spilled spot remover on my dog.
Now he's gone.</i>

283
00:16:53,651 --> 00:16:54,763
Oh, this is bogus!

284
00:16:58,546 --> 00:17:00,456
Two shakes, that's it. Move along.

285
00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:02,831
Oh. Why, thank you, tinkle fairy.

286
00:17:04,818 --> 00:17:06,727
Lois, you ruined everything,
you know that?

287
00:17:06,834 --> 00:17:10,129
Peter, I know it's a little extreme.
But when it comes to our children,

288
00:17:10,226 --> 00:17:12,681
it's better to err on the safe side.
Isn't that right?

289
00:17:12,785 --> 00:17:15,719
No. You know, Lois,
if everybody was as closed-minded as you,

290
00:17:15,825 --> 00:17:18,574
the world wouldn't have
some of its most inspired creations.

291
00:17:20,113 --> 00:17:23,080
Man, this chocolate bar is delicious.

292
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,338
Oh, yeah. I love peanut butter.

293
00:17:31,471 --> 00:17:33,446
I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here?

294
00:17:33,551 --> 00:17:35,973
He got peanut butter on my chocolate.

295
00:17:36,079 --> 00:17:38,599
He got chocolate in my peanut butter.

296
00:17:45,071 --> 00:17:46,565
Oh, come on.

297
00:17:46,670 --> 00:17:48,612
I know what'll make you feel better.

298
00:17:48,718 --> 00:17:51,653
- How about a little angry sex, huh?
- Oh, all right.

299
00:17:52,782 --> 00:17:55,564
Whoa! Whoa!
Those actions are highly inappropriate.

300
00:17:55,661 --> 00:17:58,050
What? Wait a minute.
We're not allowed to have sex?

301
00:17:58,158 --> 00:17:59,205
Oh, you can have sex.

302
00:17:59,309 --> 00:18:03,532
Just no moaning, no tongue-kissing,
no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.

303
00:18:06,893 --> 00:18:09,576
Well, this isn't very romantic.
I mean, how are we supposed to...

304
00:18:09,677 --> 00:18:11,203
I'm done. Night, Lois.

305
00:18:16,908 --> 00:18:18,534
Come on, you son of a...

306
00:18:20,012 --> 00:18:21,768
Oh... me.

307
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:24,104
- Brian, would you mind?
- Yeah, sure.

308
00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:25,414
Oh, sorry.

309
00:18:25,516 --> 00:18:29,029
I haven't had sex in two weeks.
I'm just a little on edge lately.

310
00:18:29,356 --> 00:18:32,355
A little? There wasn't this much tension
when the slaves were freed.

311
00:18:32,459 --> 00:18:34,793
Okay, so you're free to go.

312
00:18:35,467 --> 00:18:36,776
But we're cool, right?

313
00:18:37,163 --> 00:18:38,569
Peter, we have to talk.

314
00:18:38,666 --> 00:18:41,284
Look, I thought this FCC thing
was a good idea at first,

315
00:18:41,386 --> 00:18:43,044
but it's just gone way too far.

316
00:18:43,147 --> 00:18:45,602
- What are you saying, Lois?
- Well,

317
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,705
I don't want to admit it,
but I think you were right.

318
00:18:48,810 --> 00:18:51,330
I don't believe it! Finally I can do this!

319
00:18:53,481 --> 00:18:56,830
I set that thing up 15 years ago.
Hey, where's the clown?

320
00:18:56,938 --> 00:19:00,199
We've got to do something about this.
Pack your bag, Peter.

321
00:19:00,297 --> 00:19:01,922
We're going to Washington.

322
00:19:02,504 --> 00:19:03,552
Oh, there he is.

323
00:19:05,513 --> 00:19:07,782
- Are we there yet?
- No, Chris, honey, we're not.

324
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,855
- Are we there yet?
- No, Chris.

325
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,611
- Are we there yet?
- Yes, Chris, yes. Okay? We're there.

326
00:19:12,712 --> 00:19:13,712
Liar!

327
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:18,110
<i>East of Eden? So you pretty much do
whatever Oprah tells you to, huh?</i>

328
00:19:18,215 --> 00:19:21,062
You know, this book's been around
for 50 years. It's a classic.

329
00:19:21,159 --> 00:19:22,435
But you just got it last week,

330
00:19:22,535 --> 00:19:24,422
and there's a giant Oprah sticker
on the front.

331
00:19:24,519 --> 00:19:26,974
Is that what that is?
Let me just peel that right off.

332
00:19:27,079 --> 00:19:28,769
So, what are you gonna read
after that one?

333
00:19:28,871 --> 00:19:30,271
Well, she hasn't told us yet. Damn!

334
00:19:32,999 --> 00:19:36,740
<i>And the motion carries.
The janitor's new nickname is Sweepy.</i>

335
00:19:46,917 --> 00:19:49,153
Gentlemen, that was a fart.

336
00:19:49,253 --> 00:19:51,838
- What's going on out here?
- I'll tell you what's going on.

337
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:55,683
This government's FCC is trying to take
all the farts away from television!

338
00:19:55,781 --> 00:19:58,202
And all the sex, and all the nudity,
and all the poop.

339
00:19:58,309 --> 00:19:59,803
Well, I say it's wrong.

340
00:19:59,908 --> 00:20:02,591
These things are part of the fabric
of American life.

341
00:20:02,692 --> 00:20:06,303
Well, we appreciate your passion
but this Congress supports the FCC.

342
00:20:06,404 --> 00:20:08,957
- Indecency is un-American.
- Oh, yeah?

343
00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:11,263
Well, I can prove to you
that that's a bunch of bull.

344
00:20:11,364 --> 00:20:12,378
Look around you.

345
00:20:12,483 --> 00:20:16,258
The Washington Monument. Looks an
awful lot like a penis, doesn't it?

346
00:20:16,355 --> 00:20:19,650
The Capitol Building,
quite obviously a giant boob.

347
00:20:19,747 --> 00:20:21,176
And the Pentagon?

348
00:20:21,283 --> 00:20:24,894
Well, you look me in the eye and tell me
it doesn't look like a big anus.

349
00:20:24,995 --> 00:20:27,842
My God!
How could we have been so blind?

350
00:20:27,938 --> 00:20:29,050
He's absolutely right.

351
00:20:29,154 --> 00:20:32,536
Come to think of it, have you ever looked
closely at the Lincoln Memorial?

352
00:20:35,458 --> 00:20:39,833
<i>Our top story, the FCC's content ban
on Quahog has finally been lifted.</i>

353
00:20:39,937 --> 00:20:42,937
Well, you did it, Peter. You beat the FCC.

354
00:20:43,329 --> 00:20:46,176
<i>Lois, Lois,
let's watch The Brady Bunch.</i>

355
00:20:46,401 --> 00:20:47,808
Look what I did, everybody.

356
00:20:47,904 --> 00:20:51,614
Isn't it the biggest,
most super-special poop you've ever seen?

357
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:56,117
Well, Cindy, I guess it's true
that big things come in small packages.

