1
00:00:01,540 --> 00:00:04,940
"It seems today that all you see

2
00:00:05,167 --> 00:00:08,487
"Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3
00:00:08,627 --> 00:00:12,227
"But where are those
good old-fashioned values

4
00:00:12,462 --> 00:00:14,462
"On which we used to rely?

5
00:00:15,296 --> 00:00:18,376
"Lucky there's a family guy

6
00:00:18,631 --> 00:00:23,431
"Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

7
00:00:23,717 --> 00:00:25,117
"Laugh and cry

8
00:00:25,301 --> 00:00:30,501
"He's a family guy

9
00:00:38,849 --> 00:00:42,329
That's funny. I don't remember
buying Stewie these toys.

10
00:00:45,935 --> 00:00:49,615
My God. It all makes sense now.

11
00:00:49,896 --> 00:00:54,496
My baby is some kind of diabolical genius
bent on world domination!

12
00:00:57,399 --> 00:01:01,079
Bravo, Lois. The last horse
finally crosses the finish line.

13
00:01:01,359 --> 00:01:05,359
All these months I should've been paying
attention to what you've been saying.

14
00:01:05,611 --> 00:01:07,211
You're an evil child.

15
00:01:07,404 --> 00:01:10,884
Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot
when I was pregnant with you?

16
00:01:11,155 --> 00:01:15,755
Cheer up. Be proud. You've given birth
to the future emperor of the world.

17
00:01:15,949 --> 00:01:19,349
Pity you won't be around
to enjoy it. Cheerio.

18
00:01:19,576 --> 00:01:21,776
Aaagh!

19
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:23,874
- Lois! Lois!
- Huh? Hm?

20
00:01:24,078 --> 00:01:27,158
- What's the matter?
- I just had the strangest dream.

21
00:01:27,413 --> 00:01:31,813
Something about Stewie
and Cheerios... It's gone.

22
00:01:31,998 --> 00:01:34,598
Come on, get up.
It's opening day for the Sox.

23
00:01:34,791 --> 00:01:37,111
Hey, Chris, Meg! We're going to Fenway!

24
00:01:37,293 --> 00:01:40,213
You can't pull the kids out of school
for a baseball game.

25
00:01:40,419 --> 00:01:43,539
Nothing they learn in school
they can't learn on the street.

26
00:01:43,754 --> 00:01:46,874
- It's 3 o'clock. Where the hell is Louie?
- You tell me.

27
00:01:47,089 --> 00:01:50,889
Louie left his house at 2.15
and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles

28
00:01:51,174 --> 00:01:54,574
at a rate of five miles per hour.
What time will Louie arrive?

29
00:01:54,801 --> 00:01:58,121
- Depends if he stops to see his ho.
- That's called a variable.

30
00:01:58,344 --> 00:02:01,664
- Look what I made for the game.
- What's that mean anyway?

31
00:02:01,887 --> 00:02:06,487
- "And the Lord said 'Go, Sox. "'
- Dad, don't you have to work today?

32
00:02:06,806 --> 00:02:10,486
It's nothing a little phone call
can't take care of.

33
00:02:11,683 --> 00:02:14,803
- Hello?
- Mr Weed? I can't come to work today.

34
00:02:15,018 --> 00:02:19,938
I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire
family was killed and I am a vegetable.

35
00:02:20,229 --> 00:02:22,629
I'll see you tomorrow.
Huh? Huh?

36
00:02:22,855 --> 00:02:26,055
Please, Peter. Your excuses
are lamer than FDR's legs.

37
00:02:27,858 --> 00:02:28,858
Too soon?

38
00:02:33,277 --> 00:02:36,957
- Here it comes, Jeremy!
- I got it! I got it!

39
00:02:37,237 --> 00:02:42,037
Yes! Yeah! Whoo! All right!
I'm the man! Yeah!

40
00:02:42,323 --> 00:02:46,723
Hold on to this. It'll be a souvenir of your
first Major League game with your Dad.

41
00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:49,713
My God! I shall cherish this for ever.

42
00:02:49,951 --> 00:02:52,751
I'll trade you this baseball
for your souvenir bat.

43
00:02:52,952 --> 00:02:55,672
- Sure.
- What did you learn?

44
00:02:55,787 --> 00:02:59,787
We haven't done anything together like this
since we saw Mike Tyson get beat.

45
00:03:00,039 --> 00:03:04,039
All right, Mike.
The word again is "onomatopoeia".

46
00:03:04,333 --> 00:03:07,813
- Uh, C.
- I'm sorry. That's incorrect.

47
00:03:08,084 --> 00:03:09,164
Oh, dang.

48
00:03:09,335 --> 00:03:12,815
I'm so glad you talked us all
into playing hooky.

49
00:03:13,087 --> 00:03:16,887
Me, too. Maybe we can get on TV if we take
our shirts off and run onto the field.

50
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:20,450
- I'm not taking my shirt off.
- There. Now they're old news.

51
00:03:20,674 --> 00:03:23,394
- Peter!
- Go, Sox! Go...

52
00:03:23,592 --> 00:03:25,392
Aaargh!

53
00:03:29,428 --> 00:03:31,428
Hm.

54
00:03:35,264 --> 00:03:38,784
- Peter?
- Oh... Hi, Mr Weed.

55
00:03:39,015 --> 00:03:42,735
- It seems you've made a full recovery.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

56
00:03:42,976 --> 00:03:46,096
That plane crash I told you about,
it turned out to be gas.

57
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:49,710
Aha! Liar. Tomorrow, my office, 9.30.

58
00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:53,579
I'm tired of Mr Weed treating me
like a common doormat.

59
00:03:53,731 --> 00:03:57,931
I want him to treat me like a deluxe one
from Pottery Barn with the fancy straw.

60
00:03:58,108 --> 00:04:00,188
I don't care for Pottery Barn.

61
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,880
If you want Mr Weed to respect you,
you're gonna have to earn it.

62
00:04:04,152 --> 00:04:07,232
Earn it...

63
00:04:09,571 --> 00:04:13,571
- Why have you forsaken me?
- Mr Weed?

64
00:04:13,740 --> 00:04:17,820
I heard you ran into my identical twin
brother at the ball game yesterday.

65
00:04:18,117 --> 00:04:20,717
If you don't buy that,
sorry I was at the ball game.

66
00:04:20,826 --> 00:04:23,506
Peter, I just received terrible news.

67
00:04:23,744 --> 00:04:26,624
This company has been taken over
by a conglomerate.

68
00:04:26,871 --> 00:04:30,351
After 23 years of faithful service,
I've been terminated!

69
00:04:30,623 --> 00:04:33,103
Wow. The business world sure is funny.

70
00:04:33,957 --> 00:04:38,757
What do you call it when a guy in middle
management moves to upper management?

71
00:04:39,043 --> 00:04:42,043
- I don't know. What do you call it?
- A promotion.

72
00:04:42,295 --> 00:04:45,975
Oh, thanks. Here's a memo.

73
00:04:50,215 --> 00:04:52,215
Sometimes the business world's funny.

74
00:04:56,468 --> 00:04:59,468
And so on behalf of
the El Dorado Cigarette Company,

75
00:04:59,678 --> 00:05:02,678
I'd like to welcome you to our family.

76
00:05:02,929 --> 00:05:07,329
I think you'll be very happy
with the changes we've made.

77
00:05:07,515 --> 00:05:10,995
This is sweet! Why are you
putting a window in the factory?

78
00:05:11,266 --> 00:05:13,546
So Aunt Bee has a place
to let her pies cool.

79
00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:18,167
Hello, boys. Today's pie is cherry.
It'll be ready just in time for lunch.

80
00:05:18,436 --> 00:05:21,836
Wow. These guys sure know
how to run a company.

81
00:05:22,105 --> 00:05:24,305
Look how happy those morons are.

82
00:05:24,481 --> 00:05:27,881
They'll never realise we're using toys
to get children addicted

83
00:05:28,149 --> 00:05:30,229
to our company's cigarettes.

84
00:05:32,943 --> 00:05:36,423
Good boy, Connor.

85
00:05:36,695 --> 00:05:38,895
Pull.

86
00:05:48,033 --> 00:05:52,433
Can't we eat? I'm so hungry,
I could ride a horse.

87
00:05:52,744 --> 00:05:56,424
I don't get it.
I could ride it to the store, I guess.

88
00:05:56,704 --> 00:06:01,504
I told you we're not starting without your
father. Dinner just isn't dinner without him.

89
00:06:01,790 --> 00:06:06,710
Perhaps I could help simulate the
experience. Yum, yum, yum...

90
00:06:09,418 --> 00:06:14,418
Hey, family, anyone in the mood for lobster?
Ow! Oh, God! One of them has my pupil!

91
00:06:14,712 --> 00:06:16,032
Agh, agh, agh!

92
00:06:16,171 --> 00:06:17,891
Oh, God! Agh! Agh!

93
00:06:18,047 --> 00:06:19,447
Ah.

94
00:06:19,631 --> 00:06:21,911
How can you afford lobster on your salary?

95
00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:24,412
- I got a raise.
- What?!

96
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,634
The new owners gave everyone raises.

97
00:06:26,718 --> 00:06:29,718
Even Kenneth, the badass mail clerk
with the heart of gold.

98
00:06:30,678 --> 00:06:34,358
- Hi, Kenneth. Did I get any mail?
- No! If you come any closer, I'll slice ya!

99
00:06:34,638 --> 00:06:37,118
OK, OK. Man, what a badass.

100
00:06:37,348 --> 00:06:40,628
Yeah? That "badass" just gave
half his pay cheque to orphans.

101
00:06:40,891 --> 00:06:42,891
Orphans with diseases.

102
00:06:48,478 --> 00:06:50,878
And check out the new toys we're making.

103
00:06:51,104 --> 00:06:52,704
Baby Smokes-A-Lot?

104
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:56,494
Tastes like happy.

105
00:06:56,732 --> 00:06:58,732
Cool! That's imitatable.

106
00:06:58,899 --> 00:07:02,899
What the hell? "El Dorado Cigarettes"?
That's who bought your company?

107
00:07:03,193 --> 00:07:05,793
Oh, my God!
They're trying to corrupt our children!

108
00:07:05,986 --> 00:07:09,586
Those bastards turned a whole generation
of Americans into smokers

109
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,863
with subliminal advertising.

110
00:07:11,947 --> 00:07:15,027
- Timmy, where's Lassie?
- She's out in the orchard, Ma.

111
00:07:15,282 --> 00:07:17,882
Peaches are coming
in mighty early this year.

112
00:07:17,991 --> 00:07:18,871
Smoke.

113
00:07:19,034 --> 00:07:22,314
You know what they say:
"Early peaches, long summer".

114
00:07:22,577 --> 00:07:23,377
Smoke.

115
00:07:24,036 --> 00:07:26,116
What's that, Lassie?

116
00:07:26,329 --> 00:07:27,529
Are ya smoking yet?

117
00:07:27,663 --> 00:07:31,183
If kids see this doll,
they're gonna think smoking's OK.

118
00:07:31,331 --> 00:07:34,211
You have to talk to these
new bosses in the morning.

119
00:07:34,457 --> 00:07:38,057
Don't worry, Lois. I'll set 'em straight.
Just like I did with Chris.

120
00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:43,540
- Dad, what's the blowhole for?
- I'll tell you what it's not for, son.

121
00:07:43,837 --> 00:07:47,837
And when I do, you'll understand
why I can never go back to SeaWorld.

122
00:07:51,215 --> 00:07:54,935
We need to talk. My wife says
you're trying to get kids to smoke.

123
00:07:55,092 --> 00:07:57,892
- That's just not true.
- What about this toy?

124
00:07:58,093 --> 00:08:00,093
It's just a doll with a cigarette.

125
00:08:00,303 --> 00:08:05,303
Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see
eight-year-old kids driving. They're fun toys.

126
00:08:05,597 --> 00:08:07,597
- Smoke.
- Not now, Jerry.

127
00:08:07,806 --> 00:08:11,606
Trust me. The last thing we want
is to get kids to start smoking.

128
00:08:11,850 --> 00:08:14,250
What about that graph on the wall that says

129
00:08:14,476 --> 00:08:17,276
"The first thing we want
is to get kids to start smoking. "

130
00:08:17,477 --> 00:08:20,277
That's just something
my son made me in art class.

131
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:23,120
Huh. Then what about that poster that says

132
00:08:23,313 --> 00:08:27,233
"The graph was not made in art class.
We really do want kids to start smoking. "

133
00:08:27,482 --> 00:08:29,202
We're a caring company.

134
00:08:29,358 --> 00:08:34,278
I mean, would you really be the president
of a company that didn't care about kids?

135
00:08:34,569 --> 00:08:39,169
- No. But I'm not the president.
- Yes, you are... if you want to be.

136
00:08:39,487 --> 00:08:40,567
Ah.

137
00:08:40,738 --> 00:08:44,018
Oh, wow. Imagine me, president.

138
00:08:51,243 --> 00:08:52,763
I'll do it!

139
00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:58,370
- How did it go?
- I'm not finished yet.

140
00:09:04,082 --> 00:09:07,682
- Aren't you gonna ask me how it went?
- Did you talk to the executives?

141
00:09:07,917 --> 00:09:10,237
Peter, answer me!

142
00:09:10,335 --> 00:09:13,335
- I did. They made me president.
- Of the whole company?

143
00:09:13,545 --> 00:09:14,945
All right, Dad!

144
00:09:15,129 --> 00:09:19,129
You shoulda seen the way they treated me.
I've never gotten that respect before.

145
00:09:20,423 --> 00:09:23,143
- Great work-out, Bobby.
- Up yours, sack-breath!

146
00:09:23,341 --> 00:09:25,061
That's Mr Griffin.

147
00:09:25,134 --> 00:09:27,534
Peter, why would they make you president?

148
00:09:27,718 --> 00:09:32,638
Maybe it's because I can recite all
50 states in a quarter of a second.

149
00:09:32,929 --> 00:09:37,449
- That was just a loud yelping noise.
- Jeez, Lois. I thought you'd be proud of me.

150
00:09:37,639 --> 00:09:40,719
The company finally thinks
I'm worth something.

151
00:09:40,974 --> 00:09:43,054
Wait till you see all the perks we get.

152
00:09:46,477 --> 00:09:49,197
Um... hi. Can I help you?

153
00:09:49,311 --> 00:09:53,191
Some company hired me to stand next
to you all day, so you'd look better.

154
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,160
- That's ridiculous.
- Meg? Did you get less ugly?

155
00:09:56,398 --> 00:09:57,398
Yeah!

156
00:09:59,816 --> 00:10:03,136
- Surprise!
- Everything looks the same.

157
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:04,560
It looks the same.

158
00:10:04,735 --> 00:10:09,415
But El Dorado Cigarettes coated the inside
of the house with a microfilm of Teflon,

159
00:10:09,737 --> 00:10:10,737
so it's easy to clean.

160
00:10:10,863 --> 00:10:12,063
Oh.

161
00:10:13,281 --> 00:10:15,561
Maybe I shouldn't have had 'em do the floors.

162
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,462
I'm Nudes on Ice!

163
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:22,900
This is so exciting.
Your father's first day as president.

164
00:10:23,077 --> 00:10:24,957
Good morning, First Family.

165
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:29,495
- Lois, what's in this coffee?
- Isn't it wonderful?

166
00:10:29,747 --> 00:10:32,747
They sent Martha Stewart
to help me with the housework.

167
00:10:32,957 --> 00:10:37,477
I take back all the bad things I said
about them. The coffee is delicious, Martha.

168
00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:42,750
A little chicory perks up the taste
of roasted coffee beans. It's a good thing.

169
00:10:43,086 --> 00:10:48,886
I think it's a crappy thing!
In fact, this is my last cigarette ever.

170
00:10:50,173 --> 00:10:53,453
You make me sick being bought off
with a few lousy perks.

171
00:10:53,716 --> 00:10:56,196
Oh, I beg to differ.

172
00:10:59,552 --> 00:11:04,352
Oh, you don't need to park here, Mr Griffin.
You have an executive parking space now.

173
00:11:04,638 --> 00:11:06,558
That looks exactly like my old space.

174
00:11:06,722 --> 00:11:09,322
This one comes
with your own company suck-up.

175
00:11:09,557 --> 00:11:11,757
- Morning. Nice day.
- It's a little cloudy.

176
00:11:11,933 --> 00:11:15,053
Absolutely. One of the worst days
I've seen in years.

177
00:11:15,184 --> 00:11:17,384
- Good news about the Yankees.
- I hate them.

178
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,160
Pack of cheaters, they are. I love your tie.

179
00:11:20,395 --> 00:11:23,595
- I hate this tie.
- It's awful, it's gaudy, it's gotta go.

180
00:11:23,730 --> 00:11:27,730
- And I hate myself.
- You make me sick, you fat sack of crap.

181
00:11:27,982 --> 00:11:30,102
- I'm the president
- The best there is.

182
00:11:30,275 --> 00:11:33,875
- But you just said you hated me.
- But... not you the president.

183
00:11:34,151 --> 00:11:39,431
The you who said you hated you.
You, who love, hate, Yankees, clouds...

184
00:11:41,113 --> 00:11:43,233
I'll have that fixed for you, sir.

185
00:11:44,781 --> 00:11:49,661
Here's your new digs. Now get
to work, sport. We're counting on you.

186
00:11:52,785 --> 00:11:58,105
Wow. My own office.
I guess I'd better get busy.

187
00:12:12,294 --> 00:12:14,294
Agh!

188
00:12:26,259 --> 00:12:28,339
Gentlemen, we have a problem.

189
00:12:28,552 --> 00:12:31,952
There's an anti-smoking bill
that could put us out of business.

190
00:12:32,178 --> 00:12:35,698
Yes. Apparently, causing cancer
is this year's "hot button".

191
00:12:35,847 --> 00:12:39,127
We've tried everything
to get through to these politicians.

192
00:12:39,390 --> 00:12:42,390
Harvard lawyers, lobbyists,
wisecracking leprechauns.

193
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:46,800
Excuse me. Do you have a dollar?
I'm a little short.

194
00:12:47,102 --> 00:12:49,782
That's the problem.
They're idiots in Washington.

195
00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:53,420
Instead of a smart guy, we should
send a moron they can relate to.

196
00:12:55,022 --> 00:12:58,022
Where are we going to find someone
who's that stupid?

197
00:12:58,149 --> 00:13:02,349
- Yeah. And not just stupid. Fat, too.
- That's exactly what we need.

198
00:13:02,609 --> 00:13:05,729
Wait. Didn't we just make
a fat, stupid guy president?

199
00:13:05,944 --> 00:13:11,464
You bet we did. Gentlemen,
our new tobacco lobbyist is... that guy!

200
00:14:05,263 --> 00:14:08,943
So what's this big assignment
you got for me, chairman of the broad?

201
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:13,623
"Chairman of the broad".
When did you become such a stitch?

202
00:14:13,892 --> 00:14:16,292
Don't you remember? You gave me writers.

203
00:14:16,518 --> 00:14:19,798
"I don't want to say you're rich,
but when you walk into a bank,

204
00:14:20,061 --> 00:14:23,461
all the tellers go 'Whoopee!"'

205
00:14:23,688 --> 00:14:26,288
That wasn't funny.
I thought you were Jewish.

206
00:14:26,523 --> 00:14:29,523
- He's only half-Jewish.
- You're fired.

207
00:14:29,732 --> 00:14:34,252
Here's the thing. Some troublemakers
in Congress are trying to shut us down.

208
00:14:34,443 --> 00:14:37,643
We need someone important like you
to go down to Washington

209
00:14:37,778 --> 00:14:40,778
and help those bastards see
what fun-loving people

210
00:14:40,904 --> 00:14:42,904
the tobacco industry's made of.

211
00:14:42,989 --> 00:14:44,989
Washington? Sweet.

212
00:14:45,156 --> 00:14:48,156
But I gotta warn you,
I've made some enemies on the Hill.

213
00:14:49,325 --> 00:14:52,725
And that's when Clarence Thomas
forced me into his chambers

214
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:55,873
and showed me lewd pictures.

215
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:59,520
We have indisputable evidence
that not only have you never been

216
00:14:59,746 --> 00:15:03,466
in the same room as Clarence Thomas,
you've never been in the same state.

217
00:15:03,623 --> 00:15:05,623
How do you respond to that?

218
00:15:06,750 --> 00:15:10,030
Bababooie! Bababooie!
Howard Stern's penis! Bababooie!

219
00:15:12,044 --> 00:15:14,044
How long is Dad gonna be in Washington?

220
00:15:14,253 --> 00:15:17,653
As long as it takes.
He's a very important man now.

221
00:15:17,796 --> 00:15:20,276
He's the spokesman for his entire industry.

222
00:15:32,470 --> 00:15:35,590
Thank you, Martha.
Brian, could you pass me the TV guide?

223
00:15:35,721 --> 00:15:37,201
- Piss off!
- What?

224
00:15:37,389 --> 00:15:40,789
I'm sorry. It just feels like for ever
since I've had a smoke.

225
00:15:41,015 --> 00:15:44,135
I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail!

226
00:15:46,351 --> 00:15:50,551
Mr Harrison? I see those government guys
you were telling me about.

227
00:15:50,812 --> 00:15:54,532
I'll show 'em a good time
and get 'em to come around to our side.

228
00:15:54,772 --> 00:15:58,372
Excuse me. Al Gore? George W Bush?

229
00:15:58,649 --> 00:15:59,529
- Yes?
- Yes?

230
00:15:59,691 --> 00:16:02,171
Great. And what's your friend's name?

231
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,680
Dick Armey.

232
00:16:10,946 --> 00:16:14,626
- Oh, God. No, seriously. What's his name?
- Dick Armey.

233
00:16:23,743 --> 00:16:26,263
Oh. Oh, I just got it.

234
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:32,253
Hey. Hey, Armey. Hey, what's your
wife's name? Vagina Coastguard?

235
00:16:32,623 --> 00:16:35,623
I'm kidding. Get in the car.
We're going to a skin bar.

236
00:16:35,832 --> 00:16:36,832
- OK.
- Great.

237
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,200
That sounds good.

238
00:16:41,377 --> 00:16:45,577
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. I don't know what happened.

239
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:49,234
Oh, it's OK. It's OK, Senator.
This girl didn't have a family.

240
00:16:49,505 --> 00:16:52,705
It'll be like she never existed.
Grab ahold of yourself.

241
00:16:52,924 --> 00:16:58,124
You may have killed her when you shoved
all those dollar bills down her throat.

242
00:16:58,468 --> 00:17:02,668
You may have killed her when you hit her
with the stool. I'm not a doctor.

243
00:17:02,928 --> 00:17:06,448
But I'll tell you what didn't
kill her... Smoking.

244
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,200
You have our support.

245
00:17:10,348 --> 00:17:14,228
Look, kids. Here's your father
in People magazine with Jim Carrey,

246
00:17:14,517 --> 00:17:17,397
and they're both "Sssmokin'!"

247
00:17:17,643 --> 00:17:20,843
I loved that in Mask. "Sssmokin'!"

248
00:17:21,062 --> 00:17:25,382
"Sssmokin'!" "Sssmokin'!"

249
00:17:25,564 --> 00:17:28,164
Do I have to listen
to this drivel 24 hours a day?!

250
00:17:28,357 --> 00:17:32,277
But, hey, I guess anything's better
than looking at your smelly face!

251
00:17:32,525 --> 00:17:34,845
- Mom!
- Honey, your face smells fine.

252
00:17:35,026 --> 00:17:37,546
He doesn't mean it. It's the lack of nicotine.

253
00:17:37,736 --> 00:17:41,256
Mom, the school janitor said
that Dad's working for the bad guys.

254
00:17:41,488 --> 00:17:45,208
- He said it through a hole in his throat.
- That doesn't make him right.

255
00:17:45,448 --> 00:17:48,768
If I had a hole in my throat,
I'd put pennies in it!

256
00:17:48,991 --> 00:17:52,311
Your father's doing great work.
Life's never been better.

257
00:17:52,534 --> 00:17:55,934
Yes. I, too, applaud the oaf
for finally showing initiative.

258
00:17:56,203 --> 00:17:59,683
God knows it was years overdue.

259
00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:02,835
You know who I saw at the market today?

260
00:18:03,081 --> 00:18:07,561
Patty Croft. Oh, and she has gotten fat!

261
00:18:07,875 --> 00:18:11,475
Oh, my God! Stewie, no!
Oh, God. What have I done?

262
00:18:11,710 --> 00:18:14,910
I knew smoking was bad.
But I still sold my soul.

263
00:18:15,170 --> 00:18:17,250
And for what? Martha Stewart?

264
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:21,143
Come on, kids.
We gotta put a stop to this. Now!

265
00:18:22,882 --> 00:18:24,762
Finally.

266
00:18:27,259 --> 00:18:28,859
Ah.

267
00:18:30,594 --> 00:18:32,274
"They call me Bill

268
00:18:32,470 --> 00:18:34,670
"Yes, they call me Bill

269
00:18:34,846 --> 00:18:37,766
"And I'm standing here on Capitol...

270
00:18:37,889 --> 00:18:39,769
Aoow!

271
00:18:43,308 --> 00:18:47,508
Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry.
Bob Dole likes your style.

272
00:18:47,768 --> 00:18:58,368
Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole.

273
00:18:58,940 --> 00:19:02,940
There you are. I caught Stewie smoking.
That cigarette company is evil.

274
00:19:03,192 --> 00:19:06,912
- We can't be a part of this any more.
- This is the best job I ever had!

275
00:19:07,152 --> 00:19:11,352
Since I became president, profits
have been higher than Alyssa Milano.

276
00:19:13,322 --> 00:19:17,522
- What kind of cheap shot... Joel!
- I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

277
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:20,982
- Mr Griffin, time for your speech.
- What about your son?

278
00:19:21,242 --> 00:19:24,442
So Stewie had a puff.
He's old enough to make his own decisions.

279
00:19:24,660 --> 00:19:27,660
For God's sakes, Lois, he's one.
Cut the umbilical cord.

280
00:19:29,788 --> 00:19:34,388
Ladies and gentlemen of Congress, I am
here today to talk to you about smoking.

281
00:19:34,582 --> 00:19:37,262
Oh, please, Peter, do the right thing.

282
00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:41,380
I know a lot of you are already on my side.

283
00:19:41,668 --> 00:19:45,548
And for you naysayers,
I have two strong words for you...

284
00:19:45,837 --> 00:19:49,237
Come on! Come on!

285
00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:53,502
- OK. OK, sure.
- All right. Why not?

286
00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:56,957
Thank you, ladies and...

287
00:19:57,175 --> 00:19:59,495
...and...

288
00:20:02,303 --> 00:20:05,183
Baby needs to suck ash!
Baby needs to suck ash!

289
00:20:05,429 --> 00:20:08,109
Not "ass", you pervert.
Save it for the interns.

290
00:20:08,347 --> 00:20:10,627
Is that a baby?

291
00:20:10,848 --> 00:20:16,128
Oh, my God. That's Stewie. Lois was right.
Children under four shouldn't smoke.

292
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:19,356
I don't care about this job any more.
Cigarettes are bad!

293
00:20:19,602 --> 00:20:22,882
Mr Griffin is right!
Smoking is a horrible vice!

294
00:20:23,146 --> 00:20:26,026
It shortens life expectancy
and pollutes our air.

295
00:20:26,272 --> 00:20:28,472
According to recent polls, air is good.

296
00:20:28,648 --> 00:20:32,168
Cigarettes killed my father
and raped my mother!

297
00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:36,150
I propose we send a message
to tobacco companies

298
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:40,360
by fining the El Dorado Cigarette Company
infinity billion dollars!

299
00:20:40,654 --> 00:20:44,454
That's the spirit, Frank. But I think
a real number might be more effective.

300
00:20:44,697 --> 00:20:49,217
All in favour of fining this evil tobacco
giant $100 million dollars say "Aye".

301
00:20:49,491 --> 00:20:51,891
- Aye!
- But that'll bankrupt us!

302
00:20:53,159 --> 00:20:56,359
You mean the way you've
morally bankrupted America?

303
00:20:58,162 --> 00:21:01,162
Thanks for that zinger.
Give me a snappy line to go out on.

304
00:21:01,288 --> 00:21:04,288
Actually, our lunch is here.

305
00:21:04,498 --> 00:21:06,218
Uh...

306
00:21:06,374 --> 00:21:10,094
Well, that's my mama!

307
00:21:33,261 --> 00:21:36,661
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.
We've had a lot of laughs tonight.

308
00:21:36,930 --> 00:21:41,810
But I'll tell you what's not funny.
Killing strippers. Strippers are people, too.

309
00:21:42,140 --> 00:21:47,140
Naked people who may be willing
to pleasure you for a price you negotiate.

310
00:21:47,435 --> 00:21:51,755
Besides, there's no need to kill 'em.
Most of them are already dead inside.

311
00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:54,540
Good night, everyone.

