1
00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:05,760
"It seems today that all you see

2
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:09,080
"Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3
00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:12,560
"But where are those
good old-fashioned values

4
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,559
"On which we used to rely?

5
00:00:15,679 --> 00:00:18,679
"Lucky there's a family guy

6
00:00:18,759 --> 00:00:23,359
"Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

7
00:00:23,479 --> 00:00:25,079
"Laugh and cry

8
00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:30,079
"He's a family guy

9
00:00:34,879 --> 00:00:38,359
- Hi, Chris.
- Hi, Barbara.

10
00:00:38,479 --> 00:00:41,558
I'm having a birthday party.
I was hoping you could come.

11
00:00:41,678 --> 00:00:44,758
Oh, no! Someone peed in my pants!

12
00:00:46,078 --> 00:00:48,958
You're funny. Well, I hope you can make it.

13
00:00:50,958 --> 00:00:53,478
Your friend's party sounds like fun, Chris.

14
00:00:53,558 --> 00:00:56,878
But I hope the cake's better
than the last party I went to.

15
00:00:59,358 --> 00:01:01,878
Oh, God. Coconut.

16
00:01:01,878 --> 00:01:06,677
I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift. What
kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg?

17
00:01:06,757 --> 00:01:08,157
Oh... well...

18
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:11,557
My boyfriend Prince William
got me this beautiful watch.

19
00:01:11,677 --> 00:01:14,757
And this diamond tiara.
And this wonderful sceptre.

20
00:01:20,557 --> 00:01:23,557
She needs to get laid, big-time.

21
00:01:23,677 --> 00:01:27,277
I read a book saying women are from Venus,
so here's what you get her.

22
00:01:27,357 --> 00:01:29,956
Layers of sulphuric acid,
viscous surface rock,

23
00:01:30,076 --> 00:01:34,356
and coronae, which seem to be domes over
large magma chambers. Here's five dollars.

24
00:01:34,476 --> 00:01:39,756
That's OK, Dad. I was thinking about getting
a paper route so I could buy her gift myself.

25
00:01:39,876 --> 00:01:42,156
I think that's very sweet, honey.

26
00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:45,676
Oh, boy. I remember my first job.
I was in a folk music trio.

27
00:01:45,756 --> 00:01:48,556
Hey, how about
"Here's To You, Mrs Fleckenstein"?

28
00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:51,876
You've been pitching that for an hour.
It's not an attractive name.

29
00:01:51,956 --> 00:01:53,156
Oh, fine.

30
00:01:53,276 --> 00:01:55,155
I suppose we're also not going with

31
00:01:55,275 --> 00:01:58,475
"Parsley, Sage,
Rosemary and Lawry's Seasoning Salt".

32
00:01:58,555 --> 00:02:00,075
That's it. I'm going to Nam.

33
00:02:04,675 --> 00:02:08,475
Hey, there, young fella.
Bringin' me good news today?

34
00:02:08,555 --> 00:02:10,755
- What?
- Come on over here, son.

35
00:02:10,875 --> 00:02:13,555
Hand me the paper,
so I don't need to use my grabber.

36
00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:15,075
Mm.

37
00:02:15,155 --> 00:02:18,675
- That's a nice muscly throwin' arm you got.
- Uh, thanks.

38
00:02:18,755 --> 00:02:22,754
Got a nice tip for you right here
in my pocket, but my arthritis...

39
00:02:22,874 --> 00:02:25,554
Why don't you reach in
and fish it out for yourself?

40
00:02:25,674 --> 00:02:29,074
That's OK, mister.
I don't collect till the end of the month.

41
00:02:29,154 --> 00:02:31,554
I'll see you tomorrow. Weird.

42
00:02:34,954 --> 00:02:39,474
- I hope you like it.
- Wow, perfume. That is so sweet.

43
00:02:39,554 --> 00:02:44,674
It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. So
I guess you'll smell of bourbon and Vicodin.

44
00:02:44,674 --> 00:02:47,353
- That's very thoughtful.
- Can I spray some on you?

45
00:02:47,473 --> 00:02:49,953
- Ow! My eyes!
- They're beautiful.

46
00:02:50,073 --> 00:02:52,553
Just get away from me, Chris!

47
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,553
I'm so awkward!

48
00:02:58,353 --> 00:03:01,273
Hey, muscly-arm. Why the long face?

49
00:03:01,353 --> 00:03:06,753
It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like
girls are a different species or somethin'.

50
00:03:06,873 --> 00:03:10,872
- Aw, who needs 'em? You like Popsicles?
- Well, sure.

51
00:03:10,952 --> 00:03:16,952
Then you need to come on down to the cellar.
I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles. Mm.

52
00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,272
No, thanks. I gotta get goin'.

53
00:03:19,352 --> 00:03:21,672
Don't make me beg, now.

54
00:03:21,752 --> 00:03:24,752
You're funny. Bye.

55
00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:26,872
Get your fat ass back here.

56
00:03:31,872 --> 00:03:35,671
- This is a hold-up. Open the register.
- It only opens when you make a sale.

57
00:03:35,751 --> 00:03:39,951
All right, then give me one of them
horoscope scrolls and some Skittles.

58
00:03:40,071 --> 00:03:43,671
"Financial transaction
benefits you today. " Oooh!

59
00:03:43,751 --> 00:03:45,871
Weird!

60
00:03:51,871 --> 00:03:54,671
All right! A bike! I'm outta here.

61
00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:05,070
Your parents are on their way, but since time
is a factor here we'd like to get an ID quickly.

62
00:04:06,470 --> 00:04:10,470
- Are you sure he can't see me?
- Absolutely, Chris. You're 100% safe.

63
00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:13,070
OK. That's him. Number six.

64
00:04:13,070 --> 00:04:17,150
Hi. Excuse me, you guys.
I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin.

65
00:04:17,270 --> 00:04:22,550
He's here to finger the guy who held up that
store. Maybe you've seen him. Chris Griffin.

66
00:04:22,670 --> 00:04:25,869
Wait a second, I got a picture of him
somewhere. Here you go.

67
00:04:25,949 --> 00:04:30,069
Hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home.
I was gonna throw that one out anyway.

68
00:04:30,149 --> 00:04:34,949
Chris messed it up by writing his school
schedule and a list of his fears on the back.

69
00:04:37,749 --> 00:04:41,749
We're so proud of you, Chris,
for helping to put that horrible man in jail.

70
00:04:41,869 --> 00:04:44,269
You couldn't have said
it was Céline Dion, huh?

71
00:04:44,349 --> 00:04:48,349
Our chance to put that showboating
Canadian wench behind bars and you blow it.

72
00:04:48,469 --> 00:04:52,268
We now return
to the "E! True Hollywood Story: ALF".

73
00:04:52,348 --> 00:04:56,468
By the third season
I was completely wasted all the time.

74
00:04:56,548 --> 00:04:58,948
I'd lost all control of my bodily functions.

75
00:04:59,068 --> 00:05:02,348
They had to cut the crap out of my fur
before each taping.

76
00:05:02,468 --> 00:05:04,548
But, uh, would I do it all again?

77
00:05:04,668 --> 00:05:07,268
We interrupt this programme
for a news story.

78
00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:13,268
Now over to Rhode Island State Penitentiary
and Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa. Tricia?

79
00:05:13,268 --> 00:05:19,867
I'm at this maximum-security facility, where a
ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape.

80
00:05:19,947 --> 00:05:23,147
Sir, do you have any plans
now that you're out of jail?

81
00:05:23,267 --> 00:05:27,347
Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend,
and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!

82
00:05:27,467 --> 00:05:29,267
Good Lord!

83
00:05:29,267 --> 00:05:32,667
Can they really say
"bang my girlfriend" on TV?

84
00:05:36,467 --> 00:05:38,347
You wanna remove us from the area?

85
00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:43,666
This man will stop at nothing. We're placing
you all in the Witness Protection Program.

86
00:05:43,746 --> 00:05:48,066
Is Europe an option? I've always wanted
to spend a year in Prague teaching English.

87
00:05:48,146 --> 00:05:50,666
Slacking off,
but really getting to know myself.

88
00:05:50,746 --> 00:05:54,066
Until we catch this guy,
you'll be relocated to the Deep South.

89
00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:56,666
The Deep South?

90
00:05:56,746 --> 00:05:58,746
Where the black guys are really lazy,

91
00:05:58,866 --> 00:06:02,746
and the white guys are just as lazy but
they're mad at the black guys for being lazy?

92
00:06:02,866 --> 00:06:06,345
Jenkins and I have been assigned
to live here and watch your house.

93
00:06:06,465 --> 00:06:09,345
He's a slovenly liberal
and I'm a fastidious conservative.

94
00:06:09,465 --> 00:06:13,545
- I smell a sitcom!
- I suggest you start packing immediately.

95
00:06:16,465 --> 00:06:20,865
I can't believe I have to change schools
because of you. This is all your fault, Lardo.

96
00:06:20,945 --> 00:06:23,545
- Me? I had nothing to do with it.
- I meant Chris.

97
00:06:23,665 --> 00:06:25,745
Oh. Yeah, Lardo.

98
00:06:25,865 --> 00:06:29,465
Look, everybody. Here we are.
The town of Bumblescum.

99
00:06:37,344 --> 00:06:39,864
- This is our house?
- Come on, Meg.

100
00:06:39,944 --> 00:06:43,144
I bet if we fixed it up a little bit,
it could be a piece of crap.

101
00:06:47,064 --> 00:06:51,344
- What's that smell?
- It's either bad meat or good cheese.

102
00:06:52,344 --> 00:06:55,343
There's a penny underneath that couch.

103
00:06:55,743 --> 00:06:57,863
Somebody's in the closet!

104
00:06:57,863 --> 00:07:01,663
You know you're a redneck
when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.

105
00:07:01,743 --> 00:07:03,863
You suck!

106
00:07:05,863 --> 00:07:11,863
Oh, my. Well, it's too hot to cook anyway.
Peter, what's the upstairs like?

107
00:07:11,943 --> 00:07:13,863
There's a Crunch Berry under the fridge.

108
00:07:13,943 --> 00:07:17,343
Mom, Chris found a jar in the basement
and it has a hand in it.

109
00:07:17,463 --> 00:07:20,462
I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows.

110
00:07:20,942 --> 00:07:24,662
Well, at least the TV gets decent reception.

111
00:07:24,742 --> 00:07:26,662
Must be some kind of nature show.

112
00:07:26,742 --> 00:07:29,262
Help! Help! Get it off! Aaargh!

113
00:07:29,662 --> 00:07:32,862
Great. We're here five minutes
and Dad gets mauled by a rodent.

114
00:07:32,862 --> 00:07:35,862
- This place is horrible.
- OK, everybody calm down.

115
00:07:35,942 --> 00:07:38,462
We don't know anything
about this community.

116
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:42,262
I bet if we explore the town
we'll each find something about it we like.

117
00:07:42,342 --> 00:07:44,942
That's a great idea.
I just gotta hit the can.

118
00:07:45,062 --> 00:07:46,861
I think there's just an outhouse.

119
00:07:49,061 --> 00:07:52,541
Hey, Lois? I don't get how this works.
It's just a hole.

120
00:07:52,661 --> 00:07:54,861
I don't think it goes anywhere.

121
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:57,141
No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere.

122
00:07:57,261 --> 00:07:58,941
Aaaargh!

123
00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:00,341
Oh, God!

124
00:08:00,461 --> 00:08:03,661
Oh, it's everywhere! Aaaaargh!

125
00:08:03,741 --> 00:08:07,861
It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

126
00:08:09,741 --> 00:08:13,260
- Excuse me, do you have an ATM?
- Over there, ma'am.

127
00:08:13,340 --> 00:08:15,660
- How much you wanna take out?
- 40 dollars.

128
00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:18,860
There's a service charge of a buck 50.
Do y'all accept?

129
00:08:18,940 --> 00:08:20,460
Yes.

130
00:08:20,540 --> 00:08:23,460
Mm. You smell like
the inside of my momma's purse.

131
00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:25,660
Thank you.

132
00:08:27,540 --> 00:08:32,140
What are those dulcet tones?
Why, this is the music of the angels!

133
00:08:32,260 --> 00:08:35,859
- What is that magical device?
- Banjo.

134
00:08:37,459 --> 00:08:39,859
Pluck that string.

135
00:08:39,939 --> 00:08:44,259
Oh, I feel so deliciously white-trash.
Mommy, I want a mullet!

136
00:08:45,539 --> 00:08:47,859
All right, that about does it.

137
00:08:47,939 --> 00:08:51,139
- Isn't she beautiful, Brian?
- The Duke boys would be proud.

138
00:08:51,259 --> 00:08:54,259
Yeah, and you gotta get in
through the window, like this.

139
00:08:54,339 --> 00:08:56,859
OK, now you.

140
00:08:56,859 --> 00:09:00,059
Oh, sorry. I forgot to roll yours down.

141
00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:02,658
You all right?

142
00:09:02,738 --> 00:09:04,338
Hello?

143
00:09:04,458 --> 00:09:06,538
Wake up, sleepyhead.

144
00:09:09,938 --> 00:09:12,058
- Hi.
- Hi.

145
00:09:12,538 --> 00:09:15,058
- Are you mad at that pond?
- Shoot, no.

146
00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:17,658
'Course, this pond did kill my grandpappy.

147
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:22,058
He saw his reflection, thought it was him
and drowned trying to save himself.

148
00:09:22,138 --> 00:09:24,538
That's why Mom
doesn't let me look in the toilet.

149
00:09:24,658 --> 00:09:26,657
- I'm Sam.
- I'm Chris.

150
00:09:26,737 --> 00:09:28,457
Sam, come on in, now.

151
00:09:28,537 --> 00:09:34,457
Well, I gotta go help my daddy bring in the
mud harvest. Nice making your acquaintance.

152
00:09:34,857 --> 00:09:37,937
Oh, my God, I'm drowning!

153
00:09:39,057 --> 00:09:43,657
That was Merle Haggard with
"I Kissed My Sweetie With My Fist". Next...

154
00:09:43,737 --> 00:09:45,937
There's one. Let's jump that.

155
00:09:49,457 --> 00:09:52,256
Yeee-haaa!

156
00:09:54,256 --> 00:09:58,536
That was great! Next time, let's get Meg
to be Boss Hogg and Chris can be Anus.

157
00:09:58,656 --> 00:09:59,936
- Enos.
- What'd I say?

158
00:10:00,056 --> 00:10:01,656
Anus.

159
00:10:04,656 --> 00:10:06,736
Class, we have a new student joinin' us.

160
00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:10,656
Everyone, please welcome
Megan Griffin, from the North.

161
00:10:12,456 --> 00:10:15,256
What's it like there?
Y'all got them talkin' pictures?

162
00:10:15,256 --> 00:10:18,255
- And flyin' machines?
- And perfume for your armpits?

163
00:10:18,335 --> 00:10:20,935
- We sure do.
- Wow.

164
00:10:21,055 --> 00:10:25,655
All right, that's enough questions for Megan.
Time to hand back last week's spelling tests.

165
00:10:25,735 --> 00:10:28,855
- And it looks like Oinky's set the curve again.
- Dang.

166
00:10:28,855 --> 00:10:31,735
- That is some smart pig.
- Good thing I copied off Oinky.

167
00:10:33,735 --> 00:10:36,255
Ta-da! Possum surprise.

168
00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:38,735
Actually, I made it with Shake 'n Bake.

169
00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:41,454
- And I helped.
- Kids, where's your father?

170
00:10:41,534 --> 00:10:44,134
Yeee-haaa!

171
00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:49,854
- What the hell are you doing?!
- Blendin' in. Relax, Lois. It's not our house.

172
00:10:49,934 --> 00:10:54,334
I'm glad you're having fun, but we need
money. Have you thought about a job?

173
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:58,454
Yes, Lois, I have. But I've also thought
about getting fired from that job.

174
00:10:58,534 --> 00:11:03,454
Is that something you wanna put our family
through? Think about that while I get a drink.

175
00:11:03,534 --> 00:11:05,933
Aaagh! Aaargh! Oh, God! Aaagh!

176
00:11:06,453 --> 00:11:09,053
It's right up here past this clearing.

177
00:11:09,133 --> 00:11:11,853
- He's been here about three months now.
- Wow.

178
00:11:11,933 --> 00:11:13,933
Where do you think you go when you die?

179
00:11:14,053 --> 00:11:16,933
I learned at church that
if you're good you go to heaven.

180
00:11:17,053 --> 00:11:20,853
If you're bad, you go to a place
where the dead believe they're still livin'

181
00:11:20,933 --> 00:11:24,133
and they pray for death,
but death won't come.

182
00:11:24,253 --> 00:11:26,453
UPN?

183
00:11:26,533 --> 00:11:30,453
- You're funny. I like you, Chris.
- I like you too, Sam.

184
00:11:30,532 --> 00:11:32,932
- Wanna poke him?
- Do I?!

185
00:11:34,452 --> 00:11:39,132
You know, it's true.
The best things in life really are free.

186
00:11:40,132 --> 00:11:43,732
I don't know. Maybe Lois is right.
Maybe it is time for me to get a job.

187
00:11:43,852 --> 00:11:45,852
You always blow it in the interview.

188
00:11:45,932 --> 00:11:48,732
So, Peter, where do you see yourself
in five years?

189
00:11:48,852 --> 00:11:51,452
Don't say "Doing your wife. "

190
00:11:51,532 --> 00:11:53,452
Doing your...

191
00:11:53,452 --> 00:11:55,731
son?

192
00:11:55,851 --> 00:11:58,131
Hey, Brian. Look at that.

193
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:04,051
Y'all interested? We take turns being sheriff.
You just hang out here, eat pie and get drunk.

194
00:12:04,131 --> 00:12:08,251
Hold on a second. "Pie"? "Drunk"? "The"?

195
00:12:08,331 --> 00:12:10,251
You got yourself a sheriff!

196
00:12:11,251 --> 00:12:15,051
- Boy, it's so quiet around here.
- I know.

197
00:12:15,131 --> 00:12:17,731
The phone hasn't rung all day.

198
00:12:17,851 --> 00:12:21,530
I kn... I know. There's nothin'...
nothin' to, um...

199
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,650
to, uh...

200
00:12:25,650 --> 00:12:27,650
um...

201
00:12:28,730 --> 00:12:31,330
uh... Oh, boy,
what's the word I'm looking for? Do.

202
00:12:31,450 --> 00:12:33,930
Brian, you're drunk. You're drunk.

203
00:12:34,050 --> 00:12:36,050
Give me your keys.

204
00:12:37,450 --> 00:12:40,450
- What is this, Dad?
- A Southern tradition, son.

205
00:12:40,530 --> 00:12:42,850
It's a re-enactment of the Civil War.

206
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:50,729
Robert E Lee. I knew I'd find you here,
where they seat the sorry-ass losers.

207
00:12:50,849 --> 00:12:56,329
Ulysses S Grant, you invite me to lunch
then show up an hour late, drunk?

208
00:12:56,449 --> 00:13:01,049
I was busy lookin' for your wife,
to give her the old...

209
00:13:01,129 --> 00:13:03,849
Sir, this means war.

210
00:13:03,929 --> 00:13:05,249
I am vanquished.

211
00:13:05,329 --> 00:13:09,649
I hereby declare victory
in the name of the Confederacy.

212
00:13:12,648 --> 00:13:15,528
Excuse me. I don't think
that's how it happened.

213
00:13:15,648 --> 00:13:18,528
- I'm pretty sure the North won.
- What are you sayin'?

214
00:13:18,648 --> 00:13:22,848
That drunken idiot kicked your sorry asses
south of the Donna Dixon Line.

215
00:13:22,928 --> 00:13:25,448
We don't take kindly
to that sort of talk, mister.

216
00:13:25,528 --> 00:13:29,128
And I sure as shoot don't want
your kid hangin' round with my kid.

217
00:13:29,248 --> 00:13:34,728
And if you think I'm mad now, you gotta
answer to them Civil War survivors.

218
00:13:35,647 --> 00:13:40,847
Wait! Look over there! It's an interracial
gay couple burning the American flag!

219
00:13:42,847 --> 00:13:44,247
Get 'em!

220
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:50,127
- I guess we can't hang out any more.
- I guess not.

221
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:53,327
That sucks,
cos I really like spending time with you.

222
00:13:53,447 --> 00:13:55,447
Me too.

223
00:13:57,647 --> 00:13:59,647
What are you doing?

224
00:14:04,046 --> 00:14:09,046
Them Griffin boys better
grow some wings, or start flappin' their arms.

225
00:14:14,526 --> 00:14:16,446
- Lost 'em!
- Blasted Lincoln-lovers.

226
00:14:16,526 --> 00:14:17,846
Anyone seen my foot?

227
00:14:19,846 --> 00:14:26,645
Man, was last night weird. I kissed a boy! But
I really like him as a friend. His name is Sam.

228
00:14:26,725 --> 00:14:29,045
- You kissed Sam last night?
- How did you know?

229
00:14:29,125 --> 00:14:31,525
You said it out loud.
I heard you in the other room.

230
00:14:31,645 --> 00:14:34,925
The weird thing is,
kissing Sam kind of felt right.

231
00:14:35,045 --> 00:14:38,445
But I don't know if I can face him again.
Brian, what should I do?

232
00:14:38,525 --> 00:14:41,525
I haven't been this confused
since the end of No Way Out.

233
00:14:43,245 --> 00:14:46,445
How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?

234
00:14:50,045 --> 00:14:52,844
- Argh! How do I shoot? How do I shoot?
- Press B button.

235
00:14:54,844 --> 00:14:57,244
- Telegram for Chris Griffin.
- He's not here.

236
00:14:57,324 --> 00:14:59,724
- Where is he?
- I can't release that information.

237
00:14:59,844 --> 00:15:03,044
Oh, did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister.

238
00:15:03,124 --> 00:15:07,644
Oh, well, if it's for Meg,
that's a whole other story. Here's her address.

239
00:15:07,724 --> 00:15:10,324
- What are you doing?
- You were busy. I played your guy.

240
00:15:10,444 --> 00:15:12,924
- I didn't wanna play.
- So it's good for everybody.

241
00:15:13,044 --> 00:15:16,123
- I'm gonna draw boobs on the Etch A Sketch.
- They'll end up square.

242
00:15:17,523 --> 00:15:20,043
- Oh, hi, Chris.
- Hey.

243
00:15:20,123 --> 00:15:23,443
Um, listen, Sam.
I like hangin' out with you and all,

244
00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:26,843
it's just that I don't want
a romantic relationship.

245
00:15:26,923 --> 00:15:31,523
- But I'd like it if we could still be friends.
- I'd like that too. Wanna go for a swim?

246
00:15:31,643 --> 00:15:33,443
Sure.

247
00:15:35,923 --> 00:15:38,723
- You're a girl?!
- Of course I am.

248
00:15:38,843 --> 00:15:40,523
Oh, my God!

249
00:15:44,642 --> 00:15:47,242
Warm out today.

250
00:15:47,242 --> 00:15:49,722
Warm yesterday.

251
00:15:49,842 --> 00:15:51,842
Even warmer today.

252
00:15:53,442 --> 00:15:56,442
"Met her on my CB, said her name was Mimi

253
00:15:56,442 --> 00:15:59,722
- " Sounded like an angel come to earth
- " Come to earth

254
00:15:59,842 --> 00:16:02,842
"When I went to meet her,
man, you should have seen her

255
00:16:02,842 --> 00:16:05,722
- " Twice as tall as me, three times the girth
- " Girth

256
00:16:05,841 --> 00:16:09,321
- " Oh, my fat baby loves to eat
- " Loves to eat

257
00:16:09,441 --> 00:16:12,641
"A big old Buddha belly
and her breasts swing past her feet

258
00:16:12,641 --> 00:16:15,641
"My fat baby loves to eat

259
00:16:15,721 --> 00:16:18,921
"My big ole fat-ass baby loves to eat

260
00:16:19,921 --> 00:16:22,521
I got blisters on my fingers!

261
00:16:24,121 --> 00:16:27,641
- A drop more of the shine, my dear?
- Yes, please.

262
00:16:27,641 --> 00:16:30,920
You know, the kids are gonna be
at that town social for a while.

263
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,840
I think I know where you're going.

264
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,920
Aaagh! Aaagh! Oh, God! Aaagh! Aaagh!

265
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,920
Hello?

266
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,440
Hello, Mrs Griffin? Yeah.
Shh! Shut up! You guys, shut up!

267
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:46,120
Yeah, this is the FBI, calling from your house.

268
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,520
Oh, hi. How is everything?

269
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,440
Good, good. Real good.

270
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:55,040
Listen, promise you won't be mad,
and it's probably nothing,

271
00:16:55,040 --> 00:17:00,839
but you know that criminal who's after your
son? He might know where you guys are.

272
00:17:00,919 --> 00:17:05,439
What?! Peter, that criminal is on his way here
to kill Chris. We gotta call the sheriff.

273
00:17:05,519 --> 00:17:08,639
Holy crap. I'm on it, Lois.

274
00:17:08,719 --> 00:17:14,119
Sheriff's office. Yes, this is Peter Griffin. I'd
like to report a criminal coming into town.

275
00:17:14,239 --> 00:17:18,919
I'm sorry, could you repeat your name?
Yes, it's Peter Griffin. G-r-i-f-f-i-n.

276
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,918
- You're the sheriff?
- One sec, honey. I'm on the phone.

277
00:17:22,038 --> 00:17:25,038
- Who's that? My wife.
- Peter, Chris is in danger!

278
00:17:25,038 --> 00:17:27,118
Do something! Round up a posse.

279
00:17:27,238 --> 00:17:32,038
Yeah, well, see, I kinda pissed off the whole
town at that Civil War re-enactment.

280
00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:34,638
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know, Lois.

281
00:17:34,718 --> 00:17:37,518
But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.

282
00:17:37,638 --> 00:17:40,038
Now here's Roy.

283
00:17:44,238 --> 00:17:47,837
- Sure is a ding-dang of a hoedown.
- Uh-uh. This here's a hootenanny.

284
00:17:47,837 --> 00:17:49,637
- Hoedown!
- Hootenanny!

285
00:17:49,837 --> 00:17:51,717
- Hoedown!
- Hootenanny!

286
00:17:55,037 --> 00:17:57,837
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

287
00:17:57,917 --> 00:18:01,917
Oh, and to the owner of a John Deere tractor,
you're parked on top of a pig.

288
00:18:02,037 --> 00:18:04,517
John Deere tractor on top of a pig.

289
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:08,437
- Sam, can I talk to you?
- Sure. But why aren't you lookin' at me?

290
00:18:08,517 --> 00:18:14,236
Well, that's the thing. I'm no good at talking
to girls. That's why I ran away from you.

291
00:18:14,316 --> 00:18:17,836
You didn't have trouble talkin' to me
when you thought I was a boy.

292
00:18:17,916 --> 00:18:19,836
Yeah, that's true.

293
00:18:19,836 --> 00:18:22,116
- Just pretend I'm a boy.
- OK.

294
00:18:22,236 --> 00:18:25,036
You wanna go down
to the old town bridge and make out?

295
00:18:25,116 --> 00:18:26,636
Yes, sir!

296
00:18:26,716 --> 00:18:29,916
And in the city,
glasses are considered really sexy.

297
00:18:30,036 --> 00:18:31,516
Ooooh.

298
00:18:31,636 --> 00:18:34,716
Dang, I hope her brother
don't already have dibs on her.

299
00:18:35,836 --> 00:18:40,715
- Where's Chris? That criminal's here.
- He's down by the old town bridge.

300
00:18:40,835 --> 00:18:43,915
You know, my brother
is the one he's here to kill.

301
00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:47,315
My daughter would absolutely love you.

302
00:18:49,235 --> 00:18:53,435
You're so cute.
You're like a skinny Garth Brooks.

303
00:18:53,515 --> 00:18:56,435
- Aha! I got you now, Griffin!
- Aaagh!

304
00:18:56,515 --> 00:18:58,915
- Not so fast, buddy!
- Who are you?

305
00:18:59,035 --> 00:19:02,034
You can call me Officer TJ Hooker.

306
00:19:02,034 --> 00:19:04,634
Sheriff Officer TJ Hooker.

307
00:19:04,634 --> 00:19:06,914
And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife.

308
00:19:07,034 --> 00:19:12,314
I hated TJ Hooker. And I never actually saw
McMillan and Wife, although I was aware of it.

309
00:19:12,434 --> 00:19:14,714
Anyway, you're dead!

310
00:19:15,314 --> 00:19:17,114
Ha! You're mine now, fella!

311
00:19:19,514 --> 00:19:20,634
Aagh! Aagh!

312
00:19:20,714 --> 00:19:24,434
Aargh! Dad! Help! Dad!

313
00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:29,713
- You folks all right?
- Wow, you guys saved our lives.

314
00:19:29,833 --> 00:19:32,633
And after I said
all Southerners have bad teeth

315
00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:36,433
and the gum disease known as gingivitis.

316
00:19:36,513 --> 00:19:41,113
We take care of our own. And as long as
y'all live here, y'all are Southerners too.

317
00:19:41,233 --> 00:19:45,633
- Wow. Thanks.
- It's our pleasure. Sam, I'll see you at home.

318
00:19:45,633 --> 00:19:49,233
I think the lesson here is
it doesn't matter where you're from,

319
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:52,232
as long as we're all the same religion.

320
00:19:53,312 --> 00:19:57,832
- It was great having you in class, Meg.
- Thanks. I'm really gonna miss everybody.

321
00:19:57,912 --> 00:20:02,112
We didn't have no money for a present,
so we all just spit in a jar.

322
00:20:02,232 --> 00:20:05,112
- I can't believe you're leavin'.
- Me either.

323
00:20:05,232 --> 00:20:08,432
- I'll be sure to write.
- And I'll be sure to learn to read.

324
00:20:08,432 --> 00:20:14,432
Next time I see a dead guy, I'm gonna
poke him twice as hard for both of us.

325
00:20:20,311 --> 00:20:22,511
Ah, it's so nice to be home.

326
00:20:22,631 --> 00:20:25,711
You have 113 new messages.

327
00:20:25,831 --> 00:20:27,431
Oh, my.

328
00:20:27,511 --> 00:20:32,031
Uh, yeah,
I was just wondering... uh... mm-hm...

329
00:20:32,031 --> 00:20:34,231
where the newspaper boy was.

330
00:20:35,231 --> 00:20:39,711
Haven't seen a newspaper in a couple of days.
Wonderin' if you're ever gonna come back.

331
00:20:40,631 --> 00:20:44,910
Guess who.
Sorry to leave you so many messages.

332
00:20:45,030 --> 00:20:49,630
Just lonely here, thinkin' 'bout
the muscly-armed paper boy.

333
00:20:49,630 --> 00:20:53,630
Wishin' he'd bring me some good news.

334
00:20:53,710 --> 00:20:55,710
Where are you?

335
00:20:55,830 --> 00:21:00,230
You're startin' to piss me off,
you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.

336
00:21:25,709 --> 00:21:28,309
Visiontext Subtitles: Rob Colling

