1
00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:04,160
Previously on "Family Guy":

2
00:00:04,279 --> 00:00:06,879
Oh, my God. Tell your father
not to start the car.

3
00:00:09,358 --> 00:00:13,077
You want my badge number?
Here's my freakin' badge number!

4
00:00:13,757 --> 00:00:16,877
- I can't lose this case.
- Lois, the case is already over.

5
00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:20,356
Who did this to you?!

6
00:00:20,476 --> 00:00:23,955
In all my research,
I've never seen a virus reproduce so fast.

7
00:00:29,953 --> 00:00:32,073
Everyone I told about the file is dead.

8
00:00:32,153 --> 00:00:35,472
What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"?
They're all blue.

9
00:00:37,272 --> 00:00:40,471
Face it. He's never coming out of that coma.

10
00:00:45,550 --> 00:00:48,149
Aaaargh!

11
00:00:48,269 --> 00:00:51,868
Brian's gone to Los Angeles
to find himself.

12
00:00:52,548 --> 00:00:55,547
"It seems today that all you see

13
00:00:55,667 --> 00:00:58,867
"Is violence in movies and sex on TV

14
00:00:58,947 --> 00:01:02,466
"But where are those
good old-fashioned values

15
00:01:02,546 --> 00:01:05,265
"On which we used to rely?

16
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"Lucky there's a family guy

17
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"Lucky there's a man who positively can do
all the things that make us

18
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"Laugh and cry

19
00:01:14,943 --> 00:01:19,862
"He's a family guy

20
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Don't throw out Brian's things.

21
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He won't be in LA for ever.
He just needs to find himself.

22
00:01:29,060 --> 00:01:32,339
He's not coming back, Lois.
He just walked out on us.

23
00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:34,858
Oh, boy, did we have some good times.

24
00:01:35,658 --> 00:01:37,658
Here it comes, buddy.

25
00:01:39,657 --> 00:01:42,137
Argh! Oh, God! Oh, God!

26
00:01:42,257 --> 00:01:43,736
Argh! Ow!

27
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What are the odds? Argh!

28
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If he does come back,
I want everything to be how he left it.

29
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Easy! Massage the scalp.

30
00:01:51,454 --> 00:01:55,653
You're washing a baby's hair, not
scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress.

31
00:01:55,733 --> 00:01:58,853
- We got a letter from Brian.
- Tell him I'm not here.

32
00:01:58,933 --> 00:02:01,532
- Let me see.
- Argh! Argh!

33
00:02:01,652 --> 00:02:05,451
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
There. All better?

34
00:02:05,531 --> 00:02:09,650
You are some piece of work, lady.
If you... Actually, yes, it is.

35
00:02:10,650 --> 00:02:13,929
"Greetings from California.
I've been very busy. "

36
00:02:14,049 --> 00:02:17,128
"Having a great time trying
to make it as a writer in LA."

37
00:02:17,248 --> 00:02:19,728
"It's as easy as everyone thinks it is. "

38
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:24,127
"I've been working the room
at a lot of Hollywood parties. " Oh!

39
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:29,246
Bobby! Loved you in Raging Bull.

40
00:02:29,326 --> 00:02:31,325
Hey, Jodie, how's the baby?

41
00:02:31,445 --> 00:02:33,445
All right.

42
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I need more cheese puffs. Oprah's off the
wagon. No toothpicks. She'll hurt herself.

43
00:02:39,523 --> 00:02:42,722
Did you hear about Jason?
Paramount bought his script.

44
00:02:42,842 --> 00:02:46,921
- They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger?
- 100 grand. Pretty good, huh?

45
00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:50,241
Sheesh. He's been in LA
how long? Unbelievable.

46
00:02:50,321 --> 00:02:54,720
You know he actually called the main
character John Everyman? Come on.

47
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,919
Well, good for him.

48
00:03:07,037 --> 00:03:09,236
Keanu Reeves. Wow.

49
00:03:09,316 --> 00:03:15,235
I don't usually gush, so forgive me, but when
I was writing Coastguard... Oh, I'm a writer.

50
00:03:15,315 --> 00:03:19,634
When I was writing Coastguard,
I couldn't think of anyone other than...

51
00:03:19,714 --> 00:03:23,433
- There's a woodpecker on your head.
- Yeah, he comes and goes.

52
00:03:25,232 --> 00:03:27,512
Now back to "Kids Say the Darndest Things".

53
00:03:27,632 --> 00:03:30,711
It's OK. Take your time. Then what happened?

54
00:03:30,831 --> 00:03:34,830
He... said he would kill me
if I ever said anything.

55
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- Do you remember what he looked like?
- Yeah. He had a scar on his arm

56
00:03:40,309 --> 00:03:42,708
and he had a big, stupid, doo-doo head.

57
00:03:42,828 --> 00:03:45,308
A big, stupid, doo-doo head!

58
00:03:48,427 --> 00:03:51,826
Oh, honestly, the things
these children come up with.

59
00:03:51,906 --> 00:03:57,105
If you have a child you'd like to exploit to get
a trip to LA, have them try out for our show.

60
00:03:57,225 --> 00:04:00,304
Next auditions in New York
and Quahog, Rhode Island.

61
00:04:00,424 --> 00:04:04,623
- Maybe Stewie could get on that show.
- You must be shrooming.

62
00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:07,623
Yeah! We can get a free trip
to LA and see Brian.

63
00:04:07,703 --> 00:04:12,221
Jeez, I haven't been to California
since I lived with my other family.

64
00:04:12,301 --> 00:04:15,621
Guys, I just got invited to a party
at Sharon Tate's house!

65
00:04:15,701 --> 00:04:19,420
You guys can come, but you gotta
promise not to embarrass me.

66
00:04:20,819 --> 00:04:24,819
Talk! I know you've been plotting
to foil my plans of world domination.

67
00:04:24,899 --> 00:04:28,218
Who are you working for?
The Libyans? The French?

68
00:04:28,298 --> 00:04:32,617
Very well. If torture won't work,
perhaps a little tenderness will.

69
00:04:32,697 --> 00:04:39,615
Mm, I like your taste in women. Yes, she and I
are going to have a good time together.

70
00:04:39,695 --> 00:04:42,214
Yes, you like this, don't you?

71
00:04:42,294 --> 00:04:46,214
Oh, God. Look at me having sex
with a pig. I've become my father.

72
00:04:46,294 --> 00:04:48,613
Stewie, let's get your sailor suit.

73
00:04:48,693 --> 00:04:51,412
You gotta look cute
to audition for national TV.

74
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:54,212
Lois, I told you. There's no way...

75
00:04:54,292 --> 00:04:57,491
National TV, you say? Coast to coast?

76
00:04:57,611 --> 00:05:03,809
That could be the ideal place to unleash my
hypnosis device on the unsuspecting public.

77
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I always loved this little sailor suit.
Or we could do nice corduroys and a sweater.

78
00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:13,007
Or you could make yourself useful
and wipe my button - circular motion.

79
00:05:13,087 --> 00:05:14,887
And don't you look at me!

80
00:05:20,286 --> 00:05:24,285
Oh, my God. That's Michael Eisner.
I'll take it from here, Julio.

81
00:05:26,884 --> 00:05:30,003
Here you go, Mr Eisner. It's been Brian-ised.

82
00:05:30,083 --> 00:05:32,403
You might notice that new-script smell.

83
00:05:32,483 --> 00:05:35,682
Every car I hand-wash
comes with a smile, an air freshener,

84
00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:39,801
and a copy of my coming-of-age
teen comedy set in Wisconsin.

85
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:41,481
- What's your name?
- Brian.

86
00:05:41,601 --> 00:05:44,480
Let's see. There we go.

87
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,199
Brian.

88
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:49,199
See you at Disneyland. Bring money.

89
00:05:55,597 --> 00:06:00,396
Look. It's Tom Tucker from the news.
And that must be his son.

90
00:06:00,476 --> 00:06:04,075
- Oh, my.
- I feel bad staring without having got a ticket.

91
00:06:04,195 --> 00:06:07,195
How can I follow that act?
Bite the head off a chicken?

92
00:06:07,275 --> 00:06:11,394
- Dad, they're staring at me.
- They're just jealous.

93
00:06:12,793 --> 00:06:14,873
- You're next.
- Wait. We were next.

94
00:06:14,993 --> 00:06:18,192
Hey! Hey! Don't walk away from me! Hey!

95
00:06:18,792 --> 00:06:23,671
You know what we'll do? We'll get
the video camera and make our own show.

96
00:06:23,791 --> 00:06:27,990
- I don't wanna.
- Yes, you do. You do because it's normal.

97
00:06:29,469 --> 00:06:32,389
Tell us, Stewie. What job does a mommy do?

98
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Interesting question.
More to the point, how does one define "job"

99
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without branding oneself with useless
labels?

100
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I'm sorry. I'm afraid I answered
your question with another question.

101
00:06:43,666 --> 00:06:46,385
Um... How old do you think Daddy is?

102
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42.

103
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Oh. I mean, Daddy's old. I think he's seven.

104
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That's it. That's what you want to hear.
Yes, jump through the hoop.

105
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Daddy's feet smell.

106
00:07:02,182 --> 00:07:03,981
Jackasses.

107
00:07:03,981 --> 00:07:07,860
Mr and Mrs Griffin, he's adorable.

108
00:07:07,980 --> 00:07:10,980
Congratulations.
Stewie's gonna be on the show.

109
00:07:11,060 --> 00:07:15,459
Did you hear that? We're going to Hollywood,
where people are sexy and clever

110
00:07:15,579 --> 00:07:19,378
and always say somethin' funny
before the commercial break.

111
00:07:28,376 --> 00:07:31,375
Great. I always end up
sitting next to a damn baby.

112
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What did you just say?

113
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- Stewie, stop fussing.
- Not now, Lois.

114
00:07:35,774 --> 00:07:39,573
Turn around. If you've got
something to say, say it to my face.

115
00:07:39,653 --> 00:07:42,052
Oh, you can't hear me now? That's it.

116
00:07:42,172 --> 00:07:45,772
I was going to watch the movie,
but forget it. You're now my bitch.

117
00:07:45,851 --> 00:07:47,971
Wah! Wah!

118
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My ears are popping
and there's no way to console me.

119
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I'm hungry and possibly teething.
Maybe I'm wet. Who knows? I'm a baby.

120
00:07:56,169 --> 00:07:58,369
Wah! Wah!

121
00:08:02,368 --> 00:08:07,047
This is a message
for Brian. This is Jack Nicholson.

122
00:08:07,167 --> 00:08:12,365
Listen, I read your script
and it just jumped right off the page.

123
00:08:12,445 --> 00:08:17,764
I think it's something I'd be excited
to be a part of, so call my...

124
00:08:19,764 --> 00:08:24,962
Listen, I'm just jackin'you. Me and my buddy
Phil just found your script at Starbucks.

125
00:08:25,042 --> 00:08:27,442
- Tell him it sucks.
- Yeah, it sucks.

126
00:08:27,562 --> 00:08:31,561
Give it up, loser, and don't put
your number on the cover, you stupid...

127
00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:34,640
I'm hungry.

128
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:37,359
Jasper's residence.

129
00:08:37,439 --> 00:08:41,958
- Who the hell is Jasper? Where's Brian?
- Peter? It's me. Jasper's my cousin.

130
00:08:42,038 --> 00:08:45,238
I'm using his place. He's working
at Club Med. Are you on a cell?

131
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:50,156
- Yeah, we're in LA.
- What? W-What a terrific surprise.

132
00:08:50,236 --> 00:08:55,355
- Brian, can we see you for dinner?
- Yeah, you're not too famous to see us?

133
00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:59,634
Well, I was invited to the premiere
of the new, uh...

134
00:09:02,354 --> 00:09:05,953
the new Val Kilmer picture,
but I'd rather take you out to dinner.

135
00:09:06,033 --> 00:09:11,152
- How about Musso & Frank's at eight?
- OK. See ya later, Mr Big Shot...

136
00:09:11,232 --> 00:09:14,551
Crap. I didn't push "End".
This is gonna cost me a fortune.

137
00:09:18,430 --> 00:09:21,949
Brian! I'm back. Tell me everything.
I'm sitting, I'm hearing.

138
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:25,948
That's Ricardo. Ricardo, Brian.
He doesn't speak English. Can I? Mm-mm.

139
00:09:26,028 --> 00:09:29,427
Catching up. OK, me first. I'm in love.
Ooh, too much dressing.

140
00:09:29,547 --> 00:09:32,427
He's from the Philippines.
I know - I'm a rice queen.

141
00:09:32,547 --> 00:09:36,746
- How's the writing thingy going?
- Terrible. I can't get my foot in the door.

142
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:40,145
I have somebody you have to meet.
He's a producer. He's great.

143
00:09:40,225 --> 00:09:42,544
Really? Thanks. That'd be great.

144
00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:45,344
- D'you like sex and the city?
- It's an OK show.

145
00:09:45,424 --> 00:09:48,343
I wasn't talking about the show.
Ooh! I'm nasty.

146
00:09:48,423 --> 00:09:51,422
Someone send me out to sea.

147
00:09:53,622 --> 00:09:57,621
It says here this is the gutter
where the policeman fell over laughing

148
00:09:57,741 --> 00:10:01,420
after Eddie Murphy said he was just
giving the transvestite a ride home.

149
00:10:01,540 --> 00:10:04,419
Oh, I think that's me.

150
00:10:04,539 --> 00:10:06,819
- Hello.
- Hey, Peter. It's Quagmire.

151
00:10:06,938 --> 00:10:10,618
- Hey, Quagmire.
- Last night I had sex with a black chick.

152
00:10:10,738 --> 00:10:13,537
Uh... uh... I gotta go.

153
00:10:13,617 --> 00:10:16,016
- Sorry.
- What? All he said was "black chick".

154
00:10:16,136 --> 00:10:20,335
I know, but your boyfriend looks like
one of your typical angry black guys.

155
00:10:20,415 --> 00:10:24,934
Hey, we cool, G?
Yuh? Yuh? Yuh? All right.

156
00:10:27,614 --> 00:10:32,612
Halle Berry would be perfect as the camp
counsellor all the kids wanna "get with".

157
00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:35,132
Jasper was right. You're very talented.

158
00:10:35,212 --> 00:10:38,611
I'm having a brainstorm.
Ever thought about directing?

159
00:10:38,731 --> 00:10:41,930
- Just every waking hour!
- Well, I got this movie.

160
00:10:42,010 --> 00:10:45,210
It's a low-budget movie,
but the script is solid.

161
00:10:45,330 --> 00:10:50,128
My director quit and I need somebody who's
smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth.

162
00:10:50,208 --> 00:10:52,608
Well, I am smart and ambitious!

163
00:10:53,808 --> 00:10:55,327
- Seriously.
- I'm clean.

164
00:10:58,606 --> 00:11:01,726
Musso & Frank's is famous.
See the bar over there?

165
00:11:01,806 --> 00:11:06,924
- Great writers like Hemingway drank there.
- Where'd that guy who wrote Porky's drink?

166
00:11:07,004 --> 00:11:11,203
Oh, man, when that fat broad grabbed
that kid's crank through the hole.

167
00:11:11,323 --> 00:11:15,322
Where do they get their ideas?
You're the writer. You tell me.

168
00:11:15,402 --> 00:11:20,321
Oh, boy. This is great. All that searching,
that emptiness I felt back home, gone.

169
00:11:20,401 --> 00:11:24,600
- I've finally found my life's calling.
- How wonderful.

170
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:28,399
I've always found your writing
a little hackneyed and stilted,

171
00:11:28,519 --> 00:11:32,398
but I guess that's why I'm not
workin' out here in Hollywood, huh?

172
00:11:32,518 --> 00:11:37,997
- Oh, congratulations on all your success.
- Uh, thank you.

173
00:11:38,117 --> 00:11:41,716
- Know what might be a thrill for you guys?
- Ooh! Eating a pebble!

174
00:11:41,796 --> 00:11:45,715
Yes, but I was talking about
stopping by the set to see me in action.

175
00:11:45,795 --> 00:11:50,514
- Brian, could we really?
- You do know somebody in the business.

176
00:11:50,594 --> 00:11:54,513
I'm in the business too, you know.
I'm going to be on television.

177
00:11:54,593 --> 00:11:57,313
- Great.
- And when I make my appearance,

178
00:11:57,393 --> 00:12:01,312
- you'll all be talking about it the next day.
- Good luck with that.

179
00:12:01,392 --> 00:12:03,991
"Good luck with that. " Yutz.

180
00:12:05,911 --> 00:12:08,790
- Hello. Peter Griffin?
- You're in him.

181
00:12:08,910 --> 00:12:11,389
Are you happy with
your long-distance service?

182
00:12:11,509 --> 00:12:14,589
Yes, and I'm tired of you people
always calling during dinner.

183
00:12:14,709 --> 00:12:17,308
- Give me your supervisor.
- Hold, please.

184
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:23,986
Oh, Peter, I love this song.
Open your mouth.

185
00:12:28,705 --> 00:12:31,785
Brian. Right on time. I like that. Come in.

186
00:12:31,905 --> 00:12:34,304
So, ready to shoot your first scene?

187
00:12:34,384 --> 00:12:37,183
- Sure. Where's the set?
- Second door on your left.

188
00:12:42,782 --> 00:12:48,101
- So, this is a shampoo commercial, right?
- Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one?

189
00:12:48,181 --> 00:12:51,500
Can someone fluff Paul?
He's got a windsock thing goin' on.

190
00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:54,979
So, this is a shampoo commercial, right?

191
00:12:59,098 --> 00:13:01,978
Zack, I'm sorry.
There's just no way I can do this.

192
00:13:02,098 --> 00:13:05,497
I've been around.
I've licked my share of peanut butter.

193
00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:08,576
But I think you need
to find yourself a new director.

194
00:13:08,696 --> 00:13:10,895
- Are you sure?
- I just can't do this.

195
00:13:10,975 --> 00:13:14,895
Is this any more degrading than
washing cars? Here you can be creative.

196
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:21,493
I wanna make this perfectly clear. There is
absolutely no way I would consider doing it.

197
00:13:22,773 --> 00:13:26,172
- Unless I saw a script first.
- Of course.

198
00:13:28,491 --> 00:13:31,371
- This isn't bad.
- It's like Bang the Drum Slowly,

199
00:13:31,491 --> 00:13:32,970
except the drum's a chick.

200
00:13:38,689 --> 00:13:42,168
Peter, slow down. Brian said
he was gonna be on the set all day.

201
00:13:42,288 --> 00:13:47,687
"On the set"! Listen to me. Two days in
Hollywood and I sound like a contract player.

202
00:13:49,766 --> 00:13:52,086
Oh, crap. The LAPD.

203
00:13:52,166 --> 00:13:54,565
Argh! Ow! Argh! Ow!

204
00:13:55,685 --> 00:13:59,284
Come on, Peter. I wanna save some tape
for the Hollywood sign.

205
00:13:59,364 --> 00:14:03,963
- OK. Hey, thanks a lot, you guys.
- Our pleasure. Have a nice vacation, sir.

206
00:14:04,083 --> 00:14:05,083
Ooh!

207
00:14:07,082 --> 00:14:10,162
Yes... yes... yes...

208
00:14:13,161 --> 00:14:19,279
Cut. OK, nice take, Jenna, but let's try
giving the lines a little subtext this time.

209
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:23,758
Your husband's always away on business
and you feel isolated and unloved,

210
00:14:23,878 --> 00:14:28,157
so you begin to think maybe
you should go back to graduate school.

211
00:14:28,277 --> 00:14:31,077
That's when you notice
the cable man has no pants on.

212
00:14:31,876 --> 00:14:35,756
Wow, a real movie set.
Hey, this house looks kinda familiar.

213
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:40,674
I'll bet Samuel L Jackson is here.
He's in everything. There's Brian!

214
00:14:40,754 --> 00:14:46,753
All right, Samuel, when you lay her down,
I want you to enter from... Oh, my God!

215
00:14:46,873 --> 00:14:49,872
- Hey, you guys.
- Hey, Brian. Can I be in the movie?

216
00:14:49,952 --> 00:14:53,951
The Jacuzzi girl didn't show. How long
can you hold your breath under water?

217
00:14:54,071 --> 00:14:58,950
- Real long. One time at Hatch Pond...
- No, absolutely not. You gotta leave.

218
00:14:59,070 --> 00:15:02,669
- Get these people out.
- Now you're a director, we embarrass you?

219
00:15:02,749 --> 00:15:06,868
- No, no... I mean, yes.
- Does anyone else smell Astroglide?

220
00:15:08,868 --> 00:15:10,667
You're gonna look so handsome.

221
00:15:10,747 --> 00:15:16,346
Look at these crow's-feet. God. You stay up
past 7.30 and you pay for it in the morning.

222
00:15:16,466 --> 00:15:20,665
- Who the hell does Brian think he is?
- Maybe he thought we'd get in the way.

223
00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:23,664
It's not the first time
you've disrupted a performance.

224
00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:32,542
Oh, jeez. Oh, God. I didn't see it.

225
00:15:32,662 --> 00:15:36,341
It jumped right out in front of my car.
Oh, I am so sorry.

226
00:15:36,461 --> 00:15:42,740
We just have to face it. Brian's a Hollywood
director, and we're small-town people.

227
00:15:42,860 --> 00:15:46,259
- All right, one more. Uh, Rob Lowe?
- Straight.

228
00:15:46,339 --> 00:15:47,739
- No!
- Yes.

229
00:15:47,859 --> 00:15:49,058
- Stop.
- Ho-hum.

230
00:15:49,138 --> 00:15:51,138
- Pull over.
- Absolutely.

231
00:15:51,258 --> 00:15:53,537
- Oh, well, he hides it well.
- He wishes.

232
00:15:55,337 --> 00:15:58,256
Stewie. That's a funny name. Stewie.

233
00:15:58,336 --> 00:16:02,455
It's like stew, only with an "ie!" at the end.

234
00:16:02,535 --> 00:16:05,655
- Hm.
- I meant it's funny, Stewie.

235
00:16:05,735 --> 00:16:09,854
I had an uncle named Stewie,
and he used to sell bicycles.

236
00:16:09,854 --> 00:16:12,533
Aren't you supposed to be
asking me a question?

237
00:16:12,653 --> 00:16:16,332
What do you think candies are made out of?

238
00:16:16,452 --> 00:16:18,931
Sunshine and farts. What a silly question.

239
00:16:19,051 --> 00:16:24,050
I love candy. When I was a little boy
we would play stickball.

240
00:16:26,130 --> 00:16:28,329
No, no, I'll wait. Oh, you finished?

241
00:16:28,449 --> 00:16:33,328
Sorry. I thought the name of the show
was Kids Say the Darndest Things,

242
00:16:33,448 --> 00:16:36,527
not Old Black Comedians
Never Shut the Hell Up.

243
00:16:36,647 --> 00:16:40,846
- Ask me what I want to be when I grow up.
- And we also used to play buck-buck.

244
00:16:40,926 --> 00:16:45,925
Enough of your blether. Good evening, world.
From this moment on, I will be your...

245
00:16:48,644 --> 00:16:52,524
What you got there?
Oh, you're gonna go skiing now?

246
00:16:52,644 --> 00:16:55,123
Give that back. They're of no use to you.

247
00:16:55,243 --> 00:16:58,722
Oh, I'm going down the mountain.
Coo-coo-cachoo.

248
00:17:00,042 --> 00:17:02,121
No! Don't listen to him.

249
00:17:02,241 --> 00:17:06,920
That's not funny. That's just saying
what happens when you go skiing.

250
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,040
Here I go, down the slope.

251
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:12,719
Ooh, I'm goin' zip-zop, zooba-de-bop.

252
00:17:12,839 --> 00:17:17,038
Stop it. Stop applauding him.
He's not even using real words any more.

253
00:17:17,118 --> 00:17:22,517
We'll be back with a girl from Atlanta
who skips rope with her sister's pigtails.

254
00:17:22,637 --> 00:17:24,236
Coo-coo!

255
00:17:24,316 --> 00:17:29,115
- No, my segment's not over!
- Come on, you like to jump rope, don't ya?

256
00:17:30,035 --> 00:17:35,434
- I like jump rope.
- So you're gonna sit here and enjoy it.

257
00:17:35,514 --> 00:17:39,833
I'm gonna sit here and enjoy it.
And I like pudding.

258
00:17:39,913 --> 00:17:44,311
And Ghost Dad was the best movie
I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

259
00:17:48,311 --> 00:17:51,910
- Good news.
- What? More people I love think I'm a jerk?

260
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:55,909
You're more than that, Mr "Nominated
for an Adult Movie Award for Director".

261
00:17:56,029 --> 00:18:00,508
- A Woody? I'm up for a Woody?
- Call your family. They'll be proud of you.

262
00:18:00,628 --> 00:18:03,427
I'd rather they think I'm a jerk
than a smut pedlar.

263
00:18:03,507 --> 00:18:07,226
They'll love you even if you made
a couple of crappy movies.

264
00:18:07,306 --> 00:18:11,305
Blythe Danner still loves Gwyneth Paltrow.
Oops! Score one for me.

265
00:18:14,904 --> 00:18:20,103
Welcome back to E's Adult Video Awards
Pre-show. It's a good crowd tonight, Mom.

266
00:18:20,223 --> 00:18:24,422
It sure is, Melissa.
All the studs and sluts are arriving.

267
00:18:25,222 --> 00:18:27,301
- Brian. Brian!
- Oh, hey.

268
00:18:27,421 --> 00:18:30,501
You're nominated for three films
you directed yesterday.

269
00:18:30,621 --> 00:18:34,900
Add Mama to the Train,
The Purple Head of Cairo and, uh...

270
00:18:35,020 --> 00:18:38,219
- What was the third one?
- You've Got Male Genitalia.

271
00:18:38,299 --> 00:18:46,817
I was asked to star in a porno, but I couldn't
cos most of my body's less than 18 years old.

272
00:18:46,897 --> 00:18:52,296
- I used to guest-host The Tonight Show.
- Oh, yeah. What was that, 30 years ago?

273
00:18:52,416 --> 00:18:54,415
Your mike isn't plugged in.

274
00:18:54,495 --> 00:18:58,694
- You're not even on TV right now, are you?
- In my mind.

275
00:19:00,894 --> 00:19:06,612
The next award is for Best Original Score in
an adult film. The nominees are: Ron Jones.

276
00:19:11,411 --> 00:19:13,411
Walter Murphy.

277
00:19:17,210 --> 00:19:19,209
And John Williams.

278
00:19:24,808 --> 00:19:28,087
You've come a long way
from hiding from the vacuum cleaner.

279
00:19:28,207 --> 00:19:32,086
- Lois!
- Hey, buddy. How are ya, Alfred Hitch Cock?

280
00:19:32,206 --> 00:19:36,085
You like that one, Dick Hertz? Huh?
I'm sorry. I'm already drunk.

281
00:19:36,205 --> 00:19:39,684
- How did you guys know I'd...
- Jasper called.

282
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:43,204
- Why didn't you tell us?
- I thought you'd be ashamed of me.

283
00:19:43,284 --> 00:19:46,283
No! I oughta knock you out
for not bringing me here sooner.

284
00:19:46,403 --> 00:19:48,682
The pair on that one's
bigger than your head.

285
00:19:48,802 --> 00:19:54,001
- So you guys aren't offended by this?
- I can't say I approve but... we love you.

286
00:19:54,001 --> 00:19:57,080
If this is what makes you happy,
we support you.

287
00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:02,199
My God. I thought I needed to get away from
you guys to find what was missing in my life,

288
00:20:02,279 --> 00:20:05,079
but the only thing I'm missing is my family.

289
00:20:05,199 --> 00:20:08,878
How could I have become involved
in this degrading business?

290
00:20:08,998 --> 00:20:12,197
And the award goes to...
Brian Griffin.

291
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:13,876
Whoo!

292
00:20:19,075 --> 00:20:23,074
Whoo! Oh, wow. My God. Oh!

293
00:20:23,194 --> 00:20:25,074
This is unexpected.

294
00:20:25,194 --> 00:20:27,193
I wanna thank my incredible team,

295
00:20:27,273 --> 00:20:31,392
who've been with me from Shaving
Private Ryan to Welcome to my Face.

296
00:20:32,072 --> 00:20:34,392
He lives with us back in Quahog.

297
00:20:34,472 --> 00:20:39,470
You got a nice wiggle, baby. You wanna be
in a movie? A little girl-girl action maybe?

298
00:20:39,590 --> 00:20:42,070
- Oh... Peter!
- Good luck, buddy.

299
00:20:42,190 --> 00:20:44,989
I've been barking up that tree for 17 years.

300
00:20:46,789 --> 00:20:51,668
Wow. That was a wonderful trip, and
everyone has something to remember it by.

301
00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:57,266
You're gonna love it at our house,
Jenna Jameson.

302
00:21:26,380 --> 00:21:29,859
Visiontext Subtitles: Natasha Cohn

