1
00:00:02,100 --> 00:00:05,300
"It seems today that all you see

2
00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:08,581
"Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3
00:00:08,701 --> 00:00:11,981
"But where are those
good old-fashioned values

4
00:00:12,101 --> 00:00:14,981
"On which we used to rely?

5
00:00:15,101 --> 00:00:18,182
"Lucky there's a family guy

6
00:00:18,302 --> 00:00:22,902
"Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

7
00:00:22,982 --> 00:00:24,503
"Laugh and cry

8
00:00:24,583 --> 00:00:29,583
"He's a family guy

9
00:00:32,183 --> 00:00:33,704
Merry Christmas, dude.

10
00:00:33,784 --> 00:00:36,704
Don't put it in your nose. It burns like hell.

11
00:00:40,384 --> 00:00:42,185
Merry Christmas, everybody.

12
00:00:42,305 --> 00:00:45,505
As president of the Quahog
Chamber of Commerce,

13
00:00:45,585 --> 00:00:50,105
I'd like to thank the Senior Centre
for decorating our tree.

14
00:00:54,706 --> 00:00:55,906
Ooh, broke my hip!

15
00:00:55,986 --> 00:00:59,187
Look, there's the manger
for the Christmas pageant.

16
00:00:59,307 --> 00:01:01,987
You're gonna make
the cutest Baby Jesus ever.

17
00:01:02,107 --> 00:01:06,107
So, you want to dress me up and trot me
about like a circus poodle, hm?

18
00:01:06,187 --> 00:01:09,908
Let me consult my agent,
Mr Irving R Pointy Stick!

19
00:01:09,908 --> 00:01:12,708
Oh, Stewie, no sweets before dinner.

20
00:01:12,708 --> 00:01:15,108
Mom, I'm freezing. Can we go home?

21
00:01:15,188 --> 00:01:18,589
In a minute. Would you just
look at this beautiful tree?

22
00:01:18,709 --> 00:01:20,709
Every year, I look up at that star

23
00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:24,189
and I think of all of the joy and wonder
that Christmas promises

24
00:01:24,309 --> 00:01:28,190
and that miracle that occurred
on that silent winter's night.

25
00:01:29,910 --> 00:01:33,390
Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, Jesus!

26
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:37,711
"Seven maids a-milking,
six maids a-milking, five maids a-milk...

27
00:01:40,711 --> 00:01:42,992
You're not wearing the sweater I made you.

28
00:01:43,112 --> 00:01:47,392
- Uh... Well, it's a little warm in here.
- "Don we now our gay apparel. "

29
00:01:49,392 --> 00:01:50,992
Doesn't get much gayer than this.

30
00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:54,713
Tomorrow's Christmas Eve,
and you still haven't gotten a tree.

31
00:01:54,713 --> 00:01:59,393
I told you, I'm on dipsaluscious vacation.
What part of that don't you understand?

32
00:01:59,513 --> 00:02:03,314
Come on, honey. It's the only thing
I've asked you to do. Please?

33
00:02:03,394 --> 00:02:05,194
Brian, tape this for me.

34
00:02:05,314 --> 00:02:08,714
The VCR hasn't worked since
you tried to tape Monday Night Football.

35
00:02:11,995 --> 00:02:15,195
Do you have the express written consent
of ABC and the NFL?

36
00:02:15,315 --> 00:02:16,715
Just ABC.

37
00:02:19,596 --> 00:02:24,716
If you get us a tree, I'll make sure
Santa brings you a new VCR. Please?

38
00:02:24,796 --> 00:02:27,117
Crap. How come I have...? Commercial!

39
00:02:31,517 --> 00:02:34,117
I got something to add to my Christmas list.

40
00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:39,118
Those jewelled bug barrettes. Not costume -
real. Maybe you should write that down.

41
00:02:39,198 --> 00:02:43,999
Honey, Santa got all his shopping done
before the rush. I think you'll be very happy.

42
00:02:44,119 --> 00:02:46,319
I just want peace on Earth.

43
00:02:46,319 --> 00:02:50,799
That's better than being selfish like Meg,
right? So I should get more than her.

44
00:02:50,919 --> 00:02:53,800
Merry Christmas to all
and to all shut the hell up.

45
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:57,000
Before you sit, we're due at
Joe and Bonnie's for eggnog.

46
00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:01,601
- Can't we tell them your mother died?
- I won't lie about something like that.

47
00:03:01,721 --> 00:03:06,321
All right, I'll kill your mother. God, when
did Christmas become so complicated?

48
00:03:09,721 --> 00:03:13,202
- You guys know that Rudolph is on, right?
- Peter!

49
00:03:13,322 --> 00:03:15,722
Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house.

50
00:03:15,802 --> 00:03:20,123
Yeah! It's perfect for
all the happy active gingerbread men.

51
00:03:20,203 --> 00:03:25,403
Except for the one with no legs! Look at
the parents telling their kids not to stare.

52
00:03:25,523 --> 00:03:30,804
"How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?"
I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well!

53
00:03:30,924 --> 00:03:34,124
Joe, you promised. It's Christmas.

54
00:03:34,204 --> 00:03:37,005
Joe had his accident at Christmastime.

55
00:03:38,125 --> 00:03:38,925
Heh.

56
00:03:39,005 --> 00:03:41,805
"Check the balls on Uncle Charlie,
fa-la-la-la-la...

57
00:03:41,925 --> 00:03:44,405
Yes! Time to go a-wassailing!

58
00:03:45,206 --> 00:03:47,806
- Hi, Peter.
- Hi, I'm Prancer.

59
00:03:47,926 --> 00:03:50,006
Why don't you take Joe along?

60
00:03:50,126 --> 00:03:54,127
That'll be about as much fun as
a lecture on ontological empiricism.

61
00:03:54,127 --> 00:03:55,127
- What?
- What?

62
00:03:55,207 --> 00:03:57,727
Honey, he could use some Christmas spirit.

63
00:03:57,807 --> 00:04:01,327
- For me? Please?
- All right, all right.

64
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:05,808
But you owe me. Later, under the mistletoe.
Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.

65
00:04:08,528 --> 00:04:13,009
The gifts are in the trunk. Don't forget
to drop off the one for Toys for Toddlers.

66
00:04:13,129 --> 00:04:14,329
All right.

67
00:04:14,329 --> 00:04:16,209
- Somebody give me a beer.
- Heads up.

68
00:04:17,009 --> 00:04:20,330
Yeah, Peter, one of us has
to be the designated driver,

69
00:04:20,410 --> 00:04:23,610
and I've already had four eggnogs,
so I guess you're it.

70
00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:26,930
Ha! That's a good one, Joe.
Way to get into the spirit.

71
00:04:27,010 --> 00:04:29,131
- Oh!
- I'm a cop first, a buddy second,

72
00:04:29,211 --> 00:04:32,931
so don't think I wouldn't throw
your drunk-driving ass in the slammer!

73
00:04:33,011 --> 00:04:34,611
All right, let's a-wassail!

74
00:04:37,131 --> 00:04:41,612
Stewie, honey, time for bed.
You have a big day tomorrow, Baby Jesus.

75
00:04:41,732 --> 00:04:43,732
Trust me, if I could walk on water,

76
00:04:43,812 --> 00:04:47,413
I'd stroll you to a lake and hold you under
until the bubbles stopped!

77
00:04:47,533 --> 00:04:50,413
Oh, someone's being naughty, not nice.

78
00:04:50,533 --> 00:04:54,213
- You know, Santa's watching you.
- What the devil do you mean?

79
00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:57,534
Honey, Santa's making a list
and checking it twice.

80
00:04:57,614 --> 00:05:00,814
- He sees you when you're sleeping.
- He knows when you're awake.

81
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:04,335
I almost caught him last year. But he's magic!

82
00:05:04,415 --> 00:05:08,135
Constant surveillance
of every child on Earth? Impossible!

83
00:05:08,215 --> 00:05:11,335
Unless... Hidden cameras!

84
00:05:11,335 --> 00:05:14,936
Very clever. Watching to see
if I'm naughty are you?

85
00:05:15,016 --> 00:05:17,016
Well, check this twice!

86
00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:30,738
Hey, guys. Check me out.

87
00:05:30,818 --> 00:05:32,818
Whoa! Whoa!

88
00:05:34,138 --> 00:05:35,618
Whoa... Agh!

89
00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:41,419
Whoa. Whoa! Aagh!

90
00:05:42,339 --> 00:05:45,939
Oh, no! Oh, no! I've broken my legs!

91
00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:52,740
That's about as funny as Sinbad.
Not the comedian. He's hilarious.

92
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,740
The sailor. But then he was
never meant to be funny.

93
00:05:55,820 --> 00:05:58,141
I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers.

94
00:05:58,141 --> 00:06:01,821
Sounds like somebody's
got a humbug up his butt.

95
00:06:03,141 --> 00:06:06,022
Maybe we should set him up
with another lemon snow cone.

96
00:06:06,142 --> 00:06:10,742
No, thanks. The last one you gave me
didn't taste like lemon. It tasted like...

97
00:06:10,822 --> 00:06:12,542
Oh, you guys are asses!

98
00:06:16,023 --> 00:06:17,743
I knew you were awake.

99
00:06:17,823 --> 00:06:19,543
You!

100
00:06:23,624 --> 00:06:26,344
Now, Stewie, you are in my power.

101
00:06:26,424 --> 00:06:30,424
Agh! No, damn you!
Damn you, let me go! Agh!

102
00:06:32,345 --> 00:06:35,745
Good, Melvin. Nice work, Woodrow.

103
00:06:35,825 --> 00:06:38,825
Excellent, Stewie.

104
00:06:38,945 --> 00:06:40,026
Agh!

105
00:06:40,146 --> 00:06:43,826
It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa.

106
00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:47,626
If he were omnipotent, he'd have
the fortitude to show himself!

107
00:06:48,827 --> 00:06:52,547
See? I'm just barking in the dark.
No one here but me.

108
00:06:56,027 --> 00:06:58,748
All right, where's the wire?
Show yourself, Claus!

109
00:06:58,828 --> 00:07:01,948
- Stewie, go to sleep!
- This doesn't involve you, Lois!

110
00:07:02,028 --> 00:07:05,948
- I don't want to have to come in there.
- I don't want to have to come in there!

111
00:07:08,229 --> 00:07:09,629
Shh. Dad's awake.

112
00:07:09,749 --> 00:07:13,749
- Don't whisper. I don't have a hangover.
- It's a Christmas miracle.

113
00:07:13,829 --> 00:07:16,150
Shouldn't you have your sweater on?

114
00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:20,750
That's for letting Joe
join in your reindeer games.

115
00:07:20,830 --> 00:07:25,631
Now you go relax while I make my little
Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes.

116
00:07:25,751 --> 00:07:28,151
If I'm asleep, just stuff 'em in my mouth.

117
00:07:29,151 --> 00:07:31,031
- Just one more thing.
- Lois!

118
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,952
I need you to take the presents
out of the trunk.

119
00:07:35,152 --> 00:07:39,232
- Aren't you gonna do it?
- I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers.

120
00:07:39,352 --> 00:07:42,633
All? One gift was for charity.
The rest were for the family.

121
00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:47,353
No, the rest were from the family.
Were... weren't they?

122
00:07:47,433 --> 00:07:51,234
Oh, crap. Since when did they change
the meaning of "for" to "from"?

123
00:07:51,354 --> 00:07:54,034
- They had a meeting about it last night.
- Why wasn't I told?

124
00:07:54,154 --> 00:07:56,434
They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter",

125
00:07:56,554 --> 00:08:00,155
so you must've thought it was from you,
so you didn't, uh...

126
00:08:00,235 --> 00:08:02,635
It's just easier to call you stupid.

127
00:08:07,356 --> 00:08:10,236
You're gonna take back
donated gifts on Christmas Eve?

128
00:08:10,356 --> 00:08:14,956
Yep. Now here's the plan: You'll enter
through the air conditioning duct here.

129
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:17,837
There's a laser grid
three inches above the floor,

130
00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:21,037
so you have to compress your body
to the size of a sponge

131
00:08:21,157 --> 00:08:25,238
and slide underneath like some
kind of weird amphibious dolphin.

132
00:08:25,358 --> 00:08:27,158
Can I buy some pot from you?

133
00:08:27,238 --> 00:08:29,358
- What you want?
- Oh!

134
00:08:29,438 --> 00:08:33,158
So you understand, all these gifts
were supposed to be for my family.

135
00:08:33,238 --> 00:08:35,359
It was just some crazy mix-up.

136
00:08:37,839 --> 00:08:39,639
Kill 'em.

137
00:08:39,759 --> 00:08:43,240
No, no, no, it's true.
That remote control car was for my son.

138
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:47,160
And those barrettes were for my daughter,
and... Where's my VCR?

139
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,160
Dang it, Buck!
It's my turn to use the sexbox!

140
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:54,161
It's my sexbox! And her name is Sony.

141
00:08:54,161 --> 00:08:56,161
You gave away all the presents?

142
00:08:56,241 --> 00:09:01,362
If you strike me down, I shall become more
powerful than you can possibly imagine.

143
00:09:01,442 --> 00:09:05,162
You brought glad tidings to
a family less fortunate than your own.

144
00:09:05,242 --> 00:09:06,242
You're not mad?

145
00:09:06,362 --> 00:09:12,043
I am a bit irritated that I have to shop again.
But at least some good came out of it.

146
00:09:12,163 --> 00:09:15,763
So I can drink beer and watch TV?
Because Kiss Saves Santa is on.

147
00:09:15,843 --> 00:09:18,164
But, Mrs Claus, who would kidnap Santa?

148
00:09:18,244 --> 00:09:21,164
Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out.

149
00:09:21,244 --> 00:09:24,044
Someone stole Santa? That does not rock!

150
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:27,165
Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas.

151
00:09:27,245 --> 00:09:30,365
- To the Kisscopter!
- Yay!

152
00:09:35,446 --> 00:09:39,766
You can watch all the TV you want...
just as soon as we get back from the mall.

153
00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:41,446
The mall? On Christmas Eve?

154
00:09:41,566 --> 00:09:44,447
I just want this family
to have a perfect Christmas.

155
00:09:44,567 --> 00:09:47,047
And I need a little help, OK?

156
00:09:47,167 --> 00:09:50,767
- Brian, can you turn the oven off at three?
- No problem.

157
00:09:50,767 --> 00:09:52,448
We'll shop, come home, eat,

158
00:09:52,568 --> 00:09:56,368
and then it's off to the pageant
to see little Stewie play Baby Jesus.

159
00:09:56,448 --> 00:10:00,248
Yes, yes. By all means
turn me into a child star.

160
00:10:00,368 --> 00:10:04,969
Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-a and
wrangle a three-way with the Olsen twins.

161
00:10:10,250 --> 00:10:12,050
There's a spot!

162
00:10:13,650 --> 00:10:15,370
Ah, screw this.

163
00:10:21,651 --> 00:10:24,851
OK, Peter. We'll each take
half the list to save time.

164
00:10:24,971 --> 00:10:28,172
Kids, why don't you
take Stewie to see Santa?

165
00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:29,772
Santa?

166
00:10:32,172 --> 00:10:35,973
No, it's not possible!
Sitting alone in this public setting?

167
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:39,373
No bulletproof glass?
Claus, you make it too easy.

168
00:10:39,453 --> 00:10:42,573
Change me! I've leaked,
and I won't face him wet!

169
00:10:47,574 --> 00:10:50,374
We return to
"Bob Hope's Christmas With The Troops".

170
00:10:50,374 --> 00:10:53,174
It's good to see you.
I would've been here sooner,

171
00:10:53,174 --> 00:10:56,655
but Lincoln gave me
the wrong Gettysburg Address.

172
00:10:56,775 --> 00:10:59,375
How about this having
to sit still for 60 seconds

173
00:10:59,455 --> 00:11:01,855
to have your picture taken?

174
00:11:04,776 --> 00:11:06,856
Ah, sweet! It's Kiss Saves Santa.

175
00:11:06,976 --> 00:11:08,856
Hang on, Santa. We're coming!

176
00:11:08,976 --> 00:11:10,856
Hurry! The eggs are hatching!

177
00:11:10,977 --> 00:11:13,057
- What do we do?
- Wait a second.

178
00:11:13,177 --> 00:11:16,657
Everyone knows pterodactyls
can't stand the screech of a guitar!

179
00:11:21,178 --> 00:11:23,178
- It's working!
- Santa, be careful!

180
00:11:23,258 --> 00:11:25,378
- Careful, Santa!
- Hang on, Santa!

181
00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:31,059
- I was watching that! Hey!
- It'll be on next Christmas.

182
00:11:31,179 --> 00:11:33,259
Who the hell knows when that will be?

183
00:11:42,260 --> 00:11:44,260
Agh!

184
00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:47,581
If I was an oven mitt...

185
00:11:56,782 --> 00:11:58,782
Dammit, Peter!

186
00:12:00,062 --> 00:12:03,583
Ho, ho, ho.
And what can I bring you this year?

187
00:12:03,663 --> 00:12:06,463
A peace offering, is it? Very well.

188
00:12:06,583 --> 00:12:09,863
Trim those gin-soaked whiskers
and bring me plutonium.

189
00:12:09,983 --> 00:12:14,264
- Can you be a good boy?
- Hm, your inquiry intrigues me.

190
00:12:14,384 --> 00:12:18,464
Can any of us be good? Are our primal
urges innate or the result of our choices?

191
00:12:18,584 --> 00:12:19,864
OK, wrap it up, kid.

192
00:12:19,984 --> 00:12:26,065
All right, Kringle! If the reward is plutonium,
then your wager is accepted. I will be nice.

193
00:12:26,185 --> 00:12:29,065
Good boy! Now, smile for the camera.

194
00:12:29,185 --> 00:12:33,066
Yes, yes, smile... like a good boy.

195
00:12:43,587 --> 00:12:46,187
Aha! Meg's barrettes.

196
00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:49,188
You mean Julie's barrettes!

197
00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:52,068
You still want 'em, you bony old blue-hair?

198
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:54,268
Ow! Ow! Titty-twister! Ow! Hurts!

199
00:12:54,868 --> 00:12:56,669
Hey!

200
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:26,392
Aha!

201
00:13:27,472 --> 00:13:31,393
All the clown fish and yellow tangs
in the world can't help you now.

202
00:13:35,193 --> 00:13:39,193
That's it? Fish food?
That's your ace in the hole?

203
00:13:41,394 --> 00:13:43,274
Agh! Agh! Oh, God! Agh!

204
00:13:44,594 --> 00:13:45,874
Phew.

205
00:13:46,874 --> 00:13:47,474
Turkey!

206
00:13:55,195 --> 00:13:59,676
Lois, it was horrible. The fish were
jumping all over my eyes and in my nose,

207
00:13:59,796 --> 00:14:02,676
and one of them muttered
something anti-Semitic.

208
00:14:02,796 --> 00:14:07,397
We're almost home, honey. Look.
There's the star on the town Christmas tree.

209
00:14:07,397 --> 00:14:10,197
We're following it home,
like the Three Wise Men.

210
00:14:10,797 --> 00:14:12,597
- So, what'd you get him?
- Gold.

211
00:14:12,677 --> 00:14:15,998
Gold? I thought we agreed
on a $5 limit here.

212
00:14:16,078 --> 00:14:20,678
- I just got him a crappy bottle of myrrh.
- Hello? Frankincense! You always do this!

213
00:14:20,798 --> 00:14:24,599
Look, we'll put everything together
and put all our names on it.

214
00:14:24,679 --> 00:14:25,999
- No!
- That's so chea...

215
00:14:26,079 --> 00:14:28,079
- Yes!
- No! No, no, no, no, no!

216
00:14:28,199 --> 00:14:29,399
You can't...

217
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,080
Oh, my God! Brian, are you OK?

218
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:40,080
I told you we should've left cookies for Santa.

219
00:14:41,201 --> 00:14:42,081
Agh!

220
00:14:43,881 --> 00:14:47,401
My couch! My TV! What the hell did you do?

221
00:14:47,401 --> 00:14:50,482
Me? Who the hell buys
a novelty fire extinguisher?

222
00:14:50,602 --> 00:14:56,002
Someone who cares enough about physical
comedy to put his family at serious risk.

223
00:14:56,082 --> 00:14:58,683
Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve.

224
00:14:58,803 --> 00:15:01,883
This is a night for magic and wonder and joy.

225
00:15:02,003 --> 00:15:06,883
OK, so a couple of things have gone wrong.
But we can still have a great Christmas.

226
00:15:09,004 --> 00:15:12,604
Jeez, kids. I was this close to losing it.
But your mom's right.

227
00:15:12,604 --> 00:15:16,405
Sure I am.
Meg, honey, get me some paper towels.

228
00:15:16,485 --> 00:15:20,285
Let's lose the bad tidings
and find that holiday cheer.

229
00:15:20,405 --> 00:15:21,405
Yeah, all right.

230
00:15:21,485 --> 00:15:23,405
We're out of paper towels.

231
00:15:23,485 --> 00:15:28,886
No paper towels? Aaaaagh!

232
00:15:31,606 --> 00:15:34,487
- I was gonna pick at that.
- Shut your fat mouth!

233
00:15:34,607 --> 00:15:37,007
You all think Christmas just happens?

234
00:15:37,007 --> 00:15:40,887
You think all this goodwill falls
from the freakin' sky? It doesn't!

235
00:15:41,007 --> 00:15:43,088
It falls out of my holly-jolly butt!

236
00:15:44,408 --> 00:15:47,688
So cook your own damn turkey,
wrap your own damn presents,

237
00:15:47,808 --> 00:15:52,409
and while you're at it, you can all
ride a one-horse open sleigh to hell!

238
00:15:52,609 --> 00:15:54,289
Aaagh!

239
00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:01,810
Oh, here's the paper towels.

240
00:16:03,890 --> 00:16:05,690
I-I-I changed my mind.

241
00:16:05,810 --> 00:16:08,891
Clarence, I wanna live again!
I wanna live again!

242
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:10,491
Whoa!

243
00:16:13,691 --> 00:16:17,212
Hey, I guess there's some magic
in that old silk hat.

244
00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:20,612
Merry Christmas!

245
00:16:20,692 --> 00:16:22,892
- Easy, lady.
- You want some of this!

246
00:16:25,813 --> 00:16:28,813
- What the hell is her problem?
- Frosty, let it go!

247
00:16:28,893 --> 00:16:31,293
Just a second.
You got something to say to me?

248
00:16:31,413 --> 00:16:33,693
All he did was wish you a merry Christmas.

249
00:16:33,813 --> 00:16:36,014
Wish? It's easy to wish.

250
00:16:36,094 --> 00:16:39,814
But does anyone take responsibility
and make it happen? No!

251
00:16:39,894 --> 00:16:44,695
You all expect someone else to do it
for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy!

252
00:16:44,815 --> 00:16:47,095
Ah! Ow! What the...?

253
00:16:51,095 --> 00:16:53,216
Take it off! Take it off!

254
00:16:55,496 --> 00:16:59,416
Must... kill... star.

255
00:17:00,096 --> 00:17:03,297
Dad, what happened to Mom?
What if she never comes back?

256
00:17:03,417 --> 00:17:07,817
If this is the way she's gonna act
at Christmas, do we even want her back?

257
00:17:07,897 --> 00:17:12,698
Which is better? Around the waist
or off the shoulder? Waist? Shoulder?

258
00:17:12,818 --> 00:17:15,298
I thought you didn't
wanna be in the pageant.

259
00:17:15,418 --> 00:17:20,499
Megan, Santa would think it terribly naughty
of me not to fulfil my obligation to Mother.

260
00:17:20,619 --> 00:17:24,219
- The pageant means so much to her.
- Where do you think she is?

261
00:17:24,299 --> 00:17:27,700
Thank God years ago I planted
a homing device in her skull

262
00:17:27,820 --> 00:17:30,500
for just such an occasion.

263
00:17:30,620 --> 00:17:32,820
I forgot. I also put 'em in some squirrels.

264
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:35,821
This won't do any good.
Let's see if she's at the pageant.

265
00:17:36,501 --> 00:17:39,221
You... you lied to me.

266
00:17:39,301 --> 00:17:41,701
Oh, my God! There's Mom!

267
00:17:41,821 --> 00:17:44,221
Hi, Lois! Do we look like ants down here?

268
00:17:44,302 --> 00:17:45,422
Bite me!

269
00:17:45,502 --> 00:17:49,022
Great time last night.
Don't worry. We'll get Lois down.

270
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:51,822
- Locked and loaded.
- You can't shoot my mom!

271
00:17:51,902 --> 00:17:54,903
Don't worry, kid.
It's just a mild sedative. Go!

272
00:17:55,623 --> 00:18:00,823
Hang on. Lois is only up there because we
sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her.

273
00:18:00,903 --> 00:18:04,104
Maybe if she sees the pageant,
it'll bring her around.

274
00:18:04,224 --> 00:18:07,224
Trust him. He's seen every
Christmas special ever made.

275
00:18:07,304 --> 00:18:10,304
- Are you wearing a girl's sweater?
- Does that matter now?

276
00:18:10,424 --> 00:18:11,305
You got ten minutes.

277
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,305
Lights, please.

278
00:18:15,425 --> 00:18:18,905
As we all know, Christmas
is that mystical time of year

279
00:18:19,025 --> 00:18:24,226
when the ghost of Jesus rises from
the grave to feed on the flesh of the living.

280
00:18:24,226 --> 00:18:27,106
So we sing Christmas carols
to lull him to sleep.

281
00:18:27,226 --> 00:18:30,307
How dare he say such blasphemy!
I've gotta do something!

282
00:18:30,427 --> 00:18:33,507
Bob, there's nothing you can do.

283
00:18:33,627 --> 00:18:36,627
I guess I'll just have to
develop a sense of humour.

284
00:18:37,508 --> 00:18:43,108
I am the Virgin Mary.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

285
00:18:43,228 --> 00:18:46,509
Oh, our saviour has arrived!

286
00:18:47,629 --> 00:18:50,229
Good evening. I'm playing the role of Jesus,

287
00:18:50,309 --> 00:18:53,509
a man once portrayed on the big screen
by Jeffrey Hunter.

288
00:18:53,629 --> 00:18:57,830
You may remember him as the actor
replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek.

289
00:18:57,910 --> 00:19:00,310
Mr Hunter was good enough
to die for our sins,

290
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:03,711
but not quite up to the task
of seducing green women.

291
00:19:05,031 --> 00:19:10,031
Anyhoo, the perennial dictum is
to spread goodwill towards all men.

292
00:19:10,111 --> 00:19:13,032
The irony is that this is
contrary to our nature.

293
00:19:13,112 --> 00:19:17,112
So why do we do it?
Because we are being watched!

294
00:19:20,032 --> 00:19:22,513
And so we unselfishly think of others,

295
00:19:22,633 --> 00:19:27,913
assured that our good behaviour will
be rewarded with love... and plutonium.

296
00:19:30,834 --> 00:19:33,234
She's not getting it.
OK, take her down.

297
00:19:41,235 --> 00:19:44,635
- Merry Christmas, buddy.
- Wonder what this could be.

298
00:19:45,315 --> 00:19:46,515
Oh.

299
00:19:46,635 --> 00:19:51,916
- This Christmas rocks!
- Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts. Mom?

300
00:19:52,036 --> 00:19:54,716
It's OK. Your mom's just
full of Christmas cheer

301
00:19:54,836 --> 00:19:57,837
and enough tranquilliser
to bring down a bull elephant.

302
00:19:57,917 --> 00:20:01,717
Honey, you got a little some...
You got a little... Oh, I'll get it.

303
00:20:02,437 --> 00:20:07,118
Hungry Hungry Hippos?
Claus, you porcine double-crosser!

304
00:20:07,238 --> 00:20:11,038
- And to think I was nice!
- You got another one, dude.

305
00:20:12,238 --> 00:20:14,239
Plutonium!

306
00:20:14,319 --> 00:20:18,239
He is real! He's really, really real!

307
00:20:18,239 --> 00:20:22,640
- Did you get everything you wanted?
- You bet. A week's vacation, a new VCR,

308
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:26,040
and best of all,
my own copy of Kiss Saves Santa.

309
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:32,641
You just practise that guitar, Santa.
Next time we'll let you do a solo.

310
00:20:32,721 --> 00:20:34,521
Don't encourage him!

311
00:20:41,642 --> 00:20:44,922
- From all of us at Family Guy...
- We wish you Christmas joy.

312
00:20:45,042 --> 00:20:46,922
May all your wishes come true...

313
00:20:47,042 --> 00:20:48,843
For every girl and boy.

314
00:20:48,843 --> 00:20:52,123
We hope your freakin' holidays
are filled with fun and cheer.

315
00:20:52,243 --> 00:20:54,043
So have a Merry Christmas and...

316
00:21:23,527 --> 00:21:26,047
Visiontext Subtitles: Tram Nguyen Zelniker

