1
00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:04,800
"It seems today that all you see

2
00:00:05,069 --> 00:00:08,349
"Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3
00:00:08,612 --> 00:00:12,092
"But where are those
good old-fashioned values

4
00:00:12,364 --> 00:00:14,364
"On which we used to rely?

5
00:00:15,157 --> 00:00:18,277
"Lucky there's a family guy

6
00:00:18,492 --> 00:00:23,412
"Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

7
00:00:23,620 --> 00:00:25,020
"Laugh and cry

8
00:00:25,162 --> 00:00:30,282
"He's a family guy

9
00:00:38,085 --> 00:00:40,285
Oh, my, this place is enormous.

10
00:00:40,503 --> 00:00:45,383
They got these plastic disc guns.
I haven't seen one since Cleveland's wedding.

11
00:00:45,714 --> 00:00:48,514
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

12
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:51,436
to celebrate the joining
of these two people...

13
00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:55,754
...in the bonds of holy matrimony,

14
00:00:56,011 --> 00:00:59,011
consecrated before God Almighty.

15
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:02,480
Hey, Stratego. I used to love this game.

16
00:01:02,598 --> 00:01:04,798
Oh, my God. Abe Vigoda?

17
00:01:04,891 --> 00:01:08,291
Go bother Steve Guttenberg.
He's behind the Chinese chequers.

18
00:01:08,434 --> 00:01:09,834
Abe, shut up!

19
00:01:15,604 --> 00:01:20,004
Look at me, Chris. I'm Yanni sans the attitude.

20
00:01:20,941 --> 00:01:23,221
My God, that's amazing.

21
00:01:23,442 --> 00:01:25,842
- You are so talented.
- Huh?

22
00:01:26,026 --> 00:01:29,026
Wait a second. Something's not right here.

23
00:01:29,278 --> 00:01:33,358
You were just making it look like
you were playing. You're a phony!

24
00:01:33,655 --> 00:01:37,455
- Hey! This guy's a great big phony!
- Come on, Chris.

25
00:01:40,325 --> 00:01:41,925
- Agh!
- There you are.

26
00:01:42,076 --> 00:01:44,796
Hey, you're a great big phony,
you know that?

27
00:01:44,911 --> 00:01:47,191
Your mom and I have something for you.

28
00:01:47,412 --> 00:01:50,092
Let me guess. Another
colourful box with a crank

29
00:01:50,330 --> 00:01:53,810
that I'm expected to turn until -
big shock - a jack pops out.

30
00:01:54,082 --> 00:01:59,282
And you laugh and the kids laugh and
the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

31
00:01:59,585 --> 00:02:02,305
Surprise, honey.

32
00:02:02,503 --> 00:02:04,503
A trikey!

33
00:02:05,130 --> 00:02:06,130
I think he likes it.

34
00:02:06,255 --> 00:02:10,775
When I stick this army guy with the sharp
bayonet up my nose, it tickles my brain.

35
00:02:11,049 --> 00:02:15,449
Ow! Oh. Now I don't know math.

36
00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:20,806
- Give it to me now, dammit!
- Not now, Stewie. When we get home.

37
00:02:20,971 --> 00:02:25,371
That's right. You're a big fat phony!

38
00:02:27,308 --> 00:02:32,108
What I'm about to show you is a fight scene
from Star Trek, season one, episode 18.

39
00:02:32,435 --> 00:02:37,315
I'm going to identify when it's Shatner and
when it's his stunt double, Fred Lubbins.

40
00:02:37,646 --> 00:02:38,646
Let's watch.

41
00:02:38,772 --> 00:02:42,492
That's Shatner. That's Lubbins.
That's Shatner. That's Lubbins.

42
00:02:42,649 --> 00:02:44,529
That's Shatner. That's Lubbins.

43
00:02:44,733 --> 00:02:49,533
That's Shatner, but when I freeze-frame,
you can clearly see Lubbins' coffee cup.

44
00:02:49,819 --> 00:02:52,739
- He is the biggest dork on the planet.
- Totally.

45
00:02:52,862 --> 00:02:56,062
And so, because of his
rough-and-tumble style of command,

46
00:02:56,197 --> 00:03:00,397
Captain Kirk is clearly superior
to Jean-Luc Picard.

47
00:03:00,575 --> 00:03:04,975
- Any questions? Meg?
- No. Leave me alone.

48
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:08,040
Thank you, Neil,
for that irrelevant presentation.

49
00:03:08,287 --> 00:03:12,167
We all know Captain Picard
is the superior officer.

50
00:03:16,708 --> 00:03:20,428
- Ugh!
- Mr Lassenbee's getting arrested.

51
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:28,120
What in God's name...? Mr Lassenbee,
what the hell's going on here?

52
00:03:28,297 --> 00:03:31,497
There's a law against teaching
the evolutionary theory

53
00:03:31,715 --> 00:03:35,915
that Gil Gerard used a time machine
and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.

54
00:03:36,218 --> 00:03:38,298
This stupid country.

55
00:03:38,511 --> 00:03:42,711
Tom Tucker, live at James Woods High
School with this sensational breaking story.

56
00:03:42,971 --> 00:03:47,691
A teacher caught molesting children...
with crackpot theories. Full story at 11.

57
00:03:47,890 --> 00:03:48,890
And out.

58
00:03:49,016 --> 00:03:51,936
Oh, my God!
That's Tom Tucker from the news.

59
00:03:52,059 --> 00:03:57,139
Hey, kids. Remember, Mr T says
"I pity the fool who does drugs. "

60
00:04:06,025 --> 00:04:09,105
- Better hurry up, Mr Tucker.
- I'm coming.

61
00:04:21,032 --> 00:04:24,312
Reports indicate she has consumed
a record amount of seamen.

62
00:04:24,576 --> 00:04:26,656
Sounds like one powerful hurricane.

63
00:04:26,869 --> 00:04:31,069
In other news, school board elections
took place last evening.

64
00:04:31,246 --> 00:04:35,446
Fred Johnson leads candidate Betsy LaFoe
by a substantial...

65
00:04:45,086 --> 00:04:48,206
Hi, Meg. You know how cute I think you are.

66
00:05:09,390 --> 00:05:12,790
...turmoil when President Bush
stuck his finger in a socket.

67
00:05:13,017 --> 00:05:14,137
Whoa!

68
00:05:14,268 --> 00:05:16,668
Yikes. Awkward.

69
00:05:16,894 --> 00:05:19,894
...that's where leprechauns
hide their gold. More at 11.

70
00:05:20,104 --> 00:05:25,424
Hey, you know who lives in this house?
A great big phony! That's right.

71
00:05:25,648 --> 00:05:29,528
A phony lives here. A big fat phony!

72
00:05:32,819 --> 00:05:35,939
I say, look at me.
I feel like a regular grease monkey.

73
00:05:36,154 --> 00:05:40,954
- Remember that time I had that Mustang?
- Oh, yeah, you took her for a spin that time.

74
00:05:41,281 --> 00:05:42,481
That was awesome.

75
00:05:42,615 --> 00:05:45,535
Those chowderheads on the corner
busted your stones.

76
00:05:45,742 --> 00:05:49,262
Hey, your sister say anything about me?

77
00:05:50,870 --> 00:05:54,270
- Oh, my God. I'm missing the news!
- We all miss The News, Meg.

78
00:05:54,496 --> 00:05:57,896
But Huey Lewis needs time to create.
We have to be patient.

79
00:05:58,165 --> 00:06:01,965
And in entertainment,
Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today.

80
00:06:02,125 --> 00:06:03,605
- Really? 64?
- Yes.

81
00:06:03,793 --> 00:06:05,873
- I thought she was dead.
- She's alive.

82
00:06:06,086 --> 00:06:07,966
Fantastic. And now this.

83
00:06:08,170 --> 00:06:12,370
Are you a student interested in
the glamorous world of unpaid internships?

84
00:06:12,547 --> 00:06:16,347
If so, you can try out for
Channel Five's young anchor programme.

85
00:06:16,591 --> 00:06:17,991
Oh, wow!

86
00:06:18,175 --> 00:06:21,575
You'll gain valuable experience,
work closely with Tom and me,

87
00:06:21,802 --> 00:06:24,002
and produce your own on-air report.

88
00:06:24,220 --> 00:06:25,220
So call us now.

89
00:06:25,346 --> 00:06:26,346
Yeah!

90
00:06:38,185 --> 00:06:41,585
Question number one:
Would you consider growing a moustache?

91
00:06:41,812 --> 00:06:43,132
I guess so.

92
00:06:43,188 --> 00:06:45,388
Question two: Look at my moustache.

93
00:06:45,481 --> 00:06:48,161
Do you think it tickles women
when I kiss them?

94
00:06:48,399 --> 00:06:49,399
I don't know.

95
00:06:49,525 --> 00:06:53,245
Wrong. The answer is: Only slightly,
only slightly. Next.

96
00:06:55,069 --> 00:06:58,069
Oh, God, I can't hire any of these girls.

97
00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:01,399
They're all too pretty.
Their breasts are too perky.

98
00:07:02,573 --> 00:07:03,573
Perfect.

99
00:07:03,698 --> 00:07:05,698
Congratulations. You got the job.

100
00:07:05,908 --> 00:07:10,708
Oh, my God! Oh, thank you, thank you!
This is beyond anything I've ever dreamed of!

101
00:07:10,994 --> 00:07:13,794
You and your partner
will start tomorrow after school.

102
00:07:14,037 --> 00:07:17,037
- Great! Who's my partner?
- Hey, there, hot stuff!

103
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:28,300
Well, well. It appears the Fates
have conspired in our favour. Eh, Meg?

104
00:07:28,628 --> 00:07:31,828
Stay away from me, Neil.
Just because we're working together

105
00:07:31,963 --> 00:07:34,163
does not mean I like you. Give it to me!

106
00:07:34,339 --> 00:07:36,259
- What's that?
- Give it to me, Neil.

107
00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:41,743
- Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil.
- Yeah. That'll work just fine.

108
00:07:42,051 --> 00:07:42,771
Ugh!

109
00:07:42,885 --> 00:07:46,005
Look who's here.
It's our bright-eyed young interns.

110
00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:49,740
- Did you two wear your eager caps?
- I sure did, Mr Tucker.

111
00:07:49,889 --> 00:07:52,689
Great. Cos you two
are gonna have so much fun!

112
00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:55,890
Don't act any cheerier.
You'll give us all diabetes.

113
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:58,822
- Bite me, Tom.
- Come on, kids.

114
00:07:59,060 --> 00:08:02,060
Here's where we produce
our celebrity interviews.

115
00:08:02,187 --> 00:08:05,867
I did one with Dustin Hoffman.
He's almost impossible to book.

116
00:08:06,147 --> 00:08:09,147
Dustin, it's been a while.
I gotta say, you look great.

117
00:08:09,357 --> 00:08:11,077
Are you trying to seduce me?

118
00:08:11,233 --> 00:08:15,433
I am not trying to seduce you,
Dustin Hoffman. You really look great.

119
00:08:15,735 --> 00:08:19,415
- Uh-oh. Twelve minutes to Wapner.
- I understand your hectic schedule.

120
00:08:19,695 --> 00:08:23,095
We appreciate you taking the time
to be with us here in the studio.

121
00:08:23,322 --> 00:08:26,922
- If there's anything I can ever do for you...
- Bring me Peter Pan!

122
00:08:27,199 --> 00:08:29,999
I'll keep my eye out for him.
Thanks, Dustin.

123
00:08:30,117 --> 00:08:31,917
He's this tall.

124
00:08:33,036 --> 00:08:37,036
Can you believe it? Our little Stewie
learning to ride his first tricycle.

125
00:08:37,204 --> 00:08:41,204
This'll be more exciting than when Brian
taught me about Columbus.

126
00:08:41,373 --> 00:08:44,373
- Where are we going?
- We're going to visit the year 1492.

127
00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:46,900
That's when Columbus set sail
for the New World.

128
00:08:47,084 --> 00:08:49,284
- We're on a ship.
- This is the Santa Maria.

129
00:08:49,502 --> 00:08:51,702
Columbus took it to find a route to India.

130
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:54,279
- Any sign of India yet?
- Nothing yet.

131
00:08:54,505 --> 00:08:56,385
Columbus was going to America.

132
00:08:56,589 --> 00:08:59,189
Columbus discovered America
entirely by mistake.

133
00:08:59,382 --> 00:09:00,382
Wow!

134
00:09:00,966 --> 00:09:04,446
- What are you doing? Back off, fat man.
- Hang on, Stewie.

135
00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:07,798
What the...? Hey, hey, let go.
Get your filthy paws off.

136
00:09:08,053 --> 00:09:11,133
Let go. Let go, I say. Let go. Don't let go!

137
00:09:12,306 --> 00:09:13,906
Oh, this is exhilarating.

138
00:09:14,098 --> 00:09:16,498
- Go, Stewie!
- Yay, Stewie!

139
00:09:16,683 --> 00:09:20,603
I gotta go check on dinner. You keep
taping Stewie. Don't miss a moment.

140
00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:22,848
I got it.

141
00:09:23,061 --> 00:09:25,661
Look, it's dancing with me.

142
00:09:25,771 --> 00:09:29,371
It's this incredibly benevolent force
that wants me to know

143
00:09:29,523 --> 00:09:31,923
there's no reason to be afraid.

144
00:09:32,107 --> 00:09:36,627
Sometimes there's so much beauty
in the world, it makes my heart burst.

145
00:09:36,818 --> 00:09:39,218
It's just some trash blowing in the wind!

146
00:09:39,403 --> 00:09:43,123
Do you have any idea how complicated
your circulatory system is?

147
00:09:44,739 --> 00:09:49,619
Hi, Mr Tucker. I brought you Rice Crispy
Treats. I remember you said you liked them.

148
00:09:49,950 --> 00:09:52,350
Look. This one is in the shape of a heart.

149
00:09:52,534 --> 00:09:56,454
I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man
in my spoon. Come back later.

150
00:09:58,079 --> 00:10:02,279
Oh, my God.
Meg's in love with Tom Tucker!

151
00:10:03,790 --> 00:10:06,910
Try to move in on my woman,
will you, Tom Tucker?

152
00:10:07,125 --> 00:10:10,645
No one crosses Neil Goldman
and gets away with it.

153
00:10:10,794 --> 00:10:14,394
I added something to your coffee
I don't think you're gonna like.

154
00:10:14,546 --> 00:10:18,546
- Here's your coffee, Mr Tucker.
- What the hell is in this?

155
00:10:18,798 --> 00:10:21,598
Sweet'N Low.
That's for trying to steal my woman!

156
00:10:21,841 --> 00:10:24,841
- Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked.
- Yes, sir.

157
00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:32,328
- Nice bike.
- That's the understatement of the century.

158
00:10:32,555 --> 00:10:37,155
- It's cool. Too cool for you.
- No, no. I think it's right where I'm at.

159
00:10:37,474 --> 00:10:38,554
Out of my way!

160
00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:43,525
Oh, I see. Oh, yes, I suppose you do have
to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues.

161
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:47,211
Well, then, I'll just wait
right here till you get back.

162
00:10:48,521 --> 00:10:52,201
- Where the devil is he?
- You've obviously never met a bully.

163
00:10:52,482 --> 00:10:53,762
What do you mean?

164
00:10:53,941 --> 00:10:57,141
He wasn't taking it for a test ride,
he was just taking it.

165
00:10:57,276 --> 00:10:59,556
- You... you mean...?
- Mm-hm.

166
00:10:59,777 --> 00:11:03,457
He... stole... my trikey?

167
00:11:09,657 --> 00:11:12,577
Mr Tucker, has anyone
ever told you your eyes are...

168
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:17,100
Hang on, sweetie. I've gotta call Peter
Jennings and reschedule our golf game.

169
00:11:28,959 --> 00:11:31,559
This is Peter. You know what to do.

170
00:11:31,668 --> 00:11:36,348
Mr Tucker, Miss Simmons, there's a nut on
top of Town Hall with a high-powered rifle.

171
00:11:36,671 --> 00:11:40,751
The gunman's been identified as the
Mass Media Murderer who targets the press.

172
00:11:41,048 --> 00:11:43,728
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mass Media Murderer?

173
00:11:43,966 --> 00:11:48,566
I think this would be a fine opportunity
to give our interns real-world experience.

174
00:11:48,844 --> 00:11:52,644
That means you'll get to ride
in the news chopper. I'm so jealous.

175
00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:56,009
Better put in for some new interns.
Good luck!

176
00:11:56,264 --> 00:11:57,944
I've got Hugh Downs up here.

177
00:11:58,140 --> 00:12:01,740
I'm gonna splatter his distinguished career
all over the pavement.

178
00:12:01,892 --> 00:12:04,772
- Hey, why me? Why the media?
- I've got my reasons.

179
00:12:05,019 --> 00:12:09,099
Dan Rather thinks he can condense
a whole day's events into a half-hour.

180
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:12,076
Don't get me started on that arrogant jerk.

181
00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:15,594
- Really? You know him?
- I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody.

182
00:12:15,857 --> 00:12:18,337
- In fact, he's down there.
- Where?

183
00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:23,167
Ha-ha! See ya later, sucker! And by the way,
Rather is an OK guy in small doses.

184
00:12:25,529 --> 00:12:27,449
Look how close we're getting, Meg.

185
00:12:28,572 --> 00:12:30,852
Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat!

186
00:12:33,366 --> 00:12:35,446
Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down!

187
00:12:40,537 --> 00:12:44,657
Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's
so much of life I haven't experienced!

188
00:12:44,914 --> 00:12:48,514
I never got the chance to be some
drunk college guy's last resort!

189
00:12:48,791 --> 00:12:51,991
My years of expensive orthodontic work
will be a total waste!

190
00:12:52,209 --> 00:12:56,809
- I never even had my first kiss!
- It's not too late, Meg.

191
00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:01,913
I'm here for you.

192
00:13:04,424 --> 00:13:07,224
Time to sign off.

193
00:13:08,468 --> 00:13:10,668
Remember me, dirt bag?

194
00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:37,673
Wow! You saved
those kids' lives, Mr Downs.

195
00:13:37,857 --> 00:13:40,057
All in a day's work. If you ever need me,

196
00:13:40,275 --> 00:13:43,355
just blow this whistle,
or call John Stossel's cellphone.

197
00:13:43,610 --> 00:13:46,210
Hugh Downs away!

198
00:13:47,988 --> 00:13:50,868
Honey, thank God you're safe.
We were so worried.

199
00:13:51,114 --> 00:13:53,194
We now go to junior anchor Neil Goldman

200
00:13:53,407 --> 00:13:56,487
with exclusive footage
from today's exciting scene.

201
00:13:56,742 --> 00:14:00,542
Thank you, Diane. There may have been
some commotion on the rooftop,

202
00:14:00,786 --> 00:14:05,706
but the real story was inside the mouths
of Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman,

203
00:14:05,997 --> 00:14:09,317
where a meeting of the tongues,
a summit of saliva,

204
00:14:09,540 --> 00:14:13,140
established a new world order of love.

205
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:14,297
Agh!

206
00:14:17,461 --> 00:14:19,861
Let's watch it one more time
in super slow-mo.

207
00:14:20,087 --> 00:14:23,087
This is where we cease to be Meg and Neil

208
00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:26,417
and begin life anew as Meil.

209
00:14:26,632 --> 00:14:28,752
Oh, my God. He put it on TV?

210
00:14:28,925 --> 00:14:32,045
Isn't that cute, Peter?
Our daughter's first love.

211
00:14:32,260 --> 00:14:37,860
I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs
right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.

212
00:14:38,222 --> 00:14:40,102
I'm allergic to peanuts!

213
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:44,760
You don't know anything about me!

214
00:14:44,892 --> 00:14:46,092
Who was that guy?

215
00:14:47,893 --> 00:14:50,813
Constable, I'd like to report
the theft of my tricycle.

216
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:56,140
Oh, look at the little baby.
Aren't you cute! Where's your mommy?

217
00:14:56,439 --> 00:14:59,439
How dare you condescend to me?
I demand justice!

218
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:04,291
I'm here to turn myself in. I have
a dismembered hooker bleeding in my trunk.

219
00:15:04,568 --> 00:15:09,568
Oh, look at the little baby.
Aren't you cute! Where's your mommy?

220
00:15:21,035 --> 00:15:23,435
- Where did you get that shirt?
- From Neil.

221
00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:24,941
Hello, lover.

222
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:29,000
Neil, what are you doing?
I'm not your lover. I don't even like you.

223
00:15:29,289 --> 00:15:33,289
Meg, I strongly suggest you hold
my hand, lest you look like a slut.

224
00:15:33,541 --> 00:15:37,061
Tell these people that there's
nothing going on between us.

225
00:15:37,210 --> 00:15:41,210
Oh, don't be afraid of the fire, Meg.
I won't let you burn.

226
00:15:43,255 --> 00:15:44,855
Al, why haven't I leaped?

227
00:15:45,006 --> 00:15:47,806
Ziggy says you can't leap
until she loves you back.

228
00:15:48,049 --> 00:15:49,329
Don't worry, I'll get her.

229
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,864
What do you want to work on?
Cardio? Upper body?

230
00:15:54,094 --> 00:15:57,294
Upper body. I need to get buff,
so I can get my tricycle back.

231
00:15:57,429 --> 00:16:01,109
Luckily, we're running a special
for the next 17 minutes.

232
00:16:01,389 --> 00:16:04,589
OK. That's a little unusual but... OK, tell me.

233
00:16:04,724 --> 00:16:08,404
The normal plan is 78 months
at 40 a month and 200 down. Watch this.

234
00:16:08,684 --> 00:16:10,164
- Forget the down.
- Yeah.

235
00:16:10,352 --> 00:16:12,152
Goodbye 40 a month, let's do 35.

236
00:16:12,311 --> 00:16:15,431
- 35. That's the cheapest?
- Yeah, hang on, hang on.

237
00:16:15,646 --> 00:16:17,966
Trace, can you bring me
some free gym bags?

238
00:16:18,147 --> 00:16:20,667
I could probably just do
some push-ups at home.

239
00:16:20,857 --> 00:16:24,177
Let's start you off with a body-fat test,
maybe a heart rate.

240
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:27,917
You're not hearing me. I don't think
this is for me. Thanks, anyway.

241
00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:32,153
And for the future,
you came on a little strong.

242
00:16:36,615 --> 00:16:40,015
- What's going on here?
- We invited Neil's family over for dinner.

243
00:16:40,242 --> 00:16:41,362
- Hi.
- Hello.

244
00:16:41,493 --> 00:16:43,693
- You what?!
- To get to know 'em better.

245
00:16:43,911 --> 00:16:46,111
Seeing as you two
will one day bless our home

246
00:16:46,287 --> 00:16:49,287
with the pitter-patter
of grandchildren as ugly as sin.

247
00:16:49,538 --> 00:16:52,618
Meg, you never told me your mother
was such a stone-cold fox.

248
00:16:52,873 --> 00:16:56,473
- Now I see where you get it.
- Meg, he's so charming.

249
00:16:56,625 --> 00:16:58,505
My name is Chris.

250
00:16:58,710 --> 00:17:03,310
I'm supposed to be on my best behaviour
tonight and not mention poo.

251
00:17:03,587 --> 00:17:05,987
Oh, God, what have I done?!

252
00:17:06,214 --> 00:17:08,294
Well, let's eat.

253
00:17:08,506 --> 00:17:12,506
I think it's very, very nice that our children
had this wonderful kiss.

254
00:17:12,759 --> 00:17:16,959
I remember when Muriel and I had
our first kiss, and it was just awful.

255
00:17:17,261 --> 00:17:21,861
Oh, just awful. We were both very sick.
Weren't we, dear?

256
00:17:22,138 --> 00:17:24,058
Ugh, we were terribly sick.

257
00:17:24,223 --> 00:17:28,823
We were both 14 and it was winter
and we had terrible head colds.

258
00:17:29,142 --> 00:17:34,342
Mine especially was very bad. I had terrible
mucus coming out from inside my nose.

259
00:17:34,645 --> 00:17:37,565
And the other children,
they were very nasty to me.

260
00:17:37,771 --> 00:17:39,891
They said bad, hurtful things to me.

261
00:17:40,064 --> 00:17:41,664
They called me Tasty Cakes,

262
00:17:41,857 --> 00:17:45,457
and they would beat me
and stick pine cones in my ass.

263
00:17:45,692 --> 00:17:49,612
- Those were very bad times.
- I'm sorry to hear that.

264
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,581
Thank you very much.

265
00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:53,933
Excuse me. I'm gonna go throw up.

266
00:17:54,155 --> 00:17:56,635
Please flush the toilet twice.

267
00:17:56,864 --> 00:18:01,264
Once for the bulk, and again for the
remainder. Thank you. Oh, she's a dear.

268
00:18:04,660 --> 00:18:06,980
You're blocking my light, you stupid baby!

269
00:18:07,161 --> 00:18:09,961
My hooligan friend,
I've been racking my brain

270
00:18:10,205 --> 00:18:13,205
in a fruitless attempt
to resolve our unpleasantness.

271
00:18:13,414 --> 00:18:18,334
But then it dawned on me. Your cruelty
merely stems from a deep-seated inner pain.

272
00:18:18,625 --> 00:18:21,625
The obvious remedy
is a healthy dose of outer pain!

273
00:18:25,629 --> 00:18:30,029
Children washing cars to raise money
for charity. Is anything more arousing?

274
00:18:30,215 --> 00:18:36,015
We go to Meg Griffin for a special Channel
Five junior anchor segment on the moon.

275
00:18:36,343 --> 00:18:41,263
The moon. There's a reason
no one goes there. It's cold, and it's ugly.

276
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:44,674
Its surface is plagued
with craters and jagged peaks.

277
00:18:44,805 --> 00:18:49,685
Oh, wait! That's not the moon.
It's Neil Goldman's face.

278
00:18:50,016 --> 00:18:53,416
Recently, many of you saw me
kissing this freak of nature.

279
00:18:53,643 --> 00:18:56,763
If I wasn't seconds away from death,
I wouldn't have done it.

280
00:18:56,895 --> 00:19:01,175
I mean, who in their right mind would?
I went to the streets to find out.

281
00:19:01,481 --> 00:19:02,961
Would you kiss this guy?

282
00:19:03,148 --> 00:19:04,948
- Ugh! No!
- No way!

283
00:19:05,107 --> 00:19:07,027
- No!
- No!

284
00:19:07,192 --> 00:19:09,992
Oh, God, no!
What's the matter with you? Oh!

285
00:19:10,235 --> 00:19:12,835
It's official. Neil Goldman isn't kissable.

286
00:19:13,028 --> 00:19:16,548
Hear that, Neil? I don't like you.
I never will! Back to you, Tom.

287
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:20,377
Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars
can be choosers. And now this.

288
00:19:22,616 --> 00:19:27,336
- Well, well. Isn't this a darling picture!
- Let me go, man!

289
00:19:27,536 --> 00:19:29,816
- How old are you, Charlie?
- Seven.

290
00:19:30,037 --> 00:19:33,317
Seven? Well, my, my.
You're practically a lady.

291
00:19:33,580 --> 00:19:36,380
Ironic that your fate
is in the hands of an infant.

292
00:19:36,498 --> 00:19:40,498
- Now tell me where my tricycle is!
- I don't know. I lost it.

293
00:19:40,751 --> 00:19:44,271
- Agh!
- I have other ways of obtaining the truth.

294
00:19:46,087 --> 00:19:47,967
No! Don't!

295
00:19:48,671 --> 00:19:52,591
- Stewie? Look what I found.
- My trikey!

296
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,840
- What's going on down here?
- We're playing house.

297
00:19:56,092 --> 00:19:58,092
That boy is all tied up.

298
00:19:59,427 --> 00:20:01,107
Roman Polanski's house.

299
00:20:02,637 --> 00:20:06,957
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story: The president has been shot.

300
00:20:07,222 --> 00:20:10,542
Tragedy strikes the nation.
The president has been shot.

301
00:20:10,766 --> 00:20:13,966
Why's the president in this casket?
We'll tell you.

302
00:20:14,226 --> 00:20:17,626
- Nice job on that report last night.
- Wow! Thanks, Mr Tucker.

303
00:20:17,853 --> 00:20:20,773
That means so much coming
from someone so handsome.

304
00:20:20,979 --> 00:20:26,179
- How'd you like to pick up my dry-cleaning?
- Sure. But isn't that Neil's job?

305
00:20:26,524 --> 00:20:29,324
- Little jerk hasn't been in all day.
- He hasn't?

306
00:20:29,442 --> 00:20:33,122
A breaking story! A geek is on top of
Town Hall! He's about to jump!

307
00:20:34,862 --> 00:20:37,542
- Oh, my God! Neil!
- Is it Neil?

308
00:20:37,780 --> 00:20:39,980
I've been calling him Ned all week.

309
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:43,323
Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump.

310
00:20:43,491 --> 00:20:48,611
I was just a piece of eye candy
that she turned into an all-day sucker.

311
00:20:52,996 --> 00:20:57,196
Mr Tucker! Thank God you're here!
Someone's got to do something! He'll fall!

312
00:20:57,373 --> 00:21:02,773
I'm on it. Have that cartoon sound-effect
guy cue up the...

313
00:21:03,084 --> 00:21:05,084
Top it off with a...

314
00:21:05,294 --> 00:21:09,174
And if there's time, be ready with a...
"Wah, wah, wah, wah.

315
00:21:09,462 --> 00:21:11,942
You don't care about him at all, do you?

316
00:21:12,172 --> 00:21:15,972
All you care about are your stupid ratings!
You're a horrible man!

317
00:21:16,216 --> 00:21:18,736
- Neil, I'm sorry!
- Meg?

318
00:21:20,385 --> 00:21:23,705
- There he goes!
- Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff!

319
00:21:23,928 --> 00:21:26,448
Neil!

320
00:21:26,638 --> 00:21:30,758
- Meg! You do care!
- Don't read too much into this, Neil.

321
00:21:30,932 --> 00:21:34,532
It's hard not to when I'm lying
right on top of you.

322
00:21:34,767 --> 00:21:39,167
Just because you're repulsive and
the most annoying person on the planet,

323
00:21:39,478 --> 00:21:43,558
and I'm not the only one who thinks so,
doesn't mean I want you to kill yourself.

324
00:21:43,855 --> 00:21:47,335
Thanks, Meg. But I was never
really planning to jump.

325
00:21:47,607 --> 00:21:50,207
Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony!

326
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,920
Hey, everybody!
This guy's a great big phony!

