1
00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:04,600
"It seems today that all you see

2
00:00:04,819 --> 00:00:08,019
"Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3
00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:11,560
"But where are those
good old-fashioned values

4
00:00:11,824 --> 00:00:14,704
"On which we used to rely?

5
00:00:14,952 --> 00:00:18,032
"Lucky there's a family guy

6
00:00:18,287 --> 00:00:22,887
"Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

7
00:00:23,166 --> 00:00:24,686
"Laugh and cry

8
00:00:24,833 --> 00:00:29,833
"He's a family guy

9
00:00:32,756 --> 00:00:34,276
Merry Christmas, dude.

10
00:00:34,423 --> 00:00:37,343
Don't put it in your nose. It burns like hell.

11
00:00:41,303 --> 00:00:43,103
Merry Christmas, everybody.

12
00:00:43,304 --> 00:00:46,504
As president of the Quahog
Chamber of Commerce,

13
00:00:46,723 --> 00:00:51,243
I'd like to thank the Senior Centre
for decorating our tree.

14
00:00:56,231 --> 00:00:57,431
Ooh, broke my hip!

15
00:00:57,564 --> 00:01:00,764
Look, there's the manger
for the Christmas pageant.

16
00:01:01,025 --> 00:01:03,705
You're gonna make
the cutest Baby Jesus ever.

17
00:01:03,944 --> 00:01:07,944
So, you want to dress me up and trot me
about like a circus poodle, hm?

18
00:01:08,197 --> 00:01:11,917
Let me consult my agent,
Mr Irving R Pointy Stick!

19
00:01:12,075 --> 00:01:14,875
Oh, Stewie, no sweets before dinner.

20
00:01:14,993 --> 00:01:17,393
Mom, I'm freezing. Can we go home?

21
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:20,978
In a minute. Would you just
look at this beautiful tree?

22
00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:23,248
Every year, I look up at that star

23
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:26,816
and I think of all of the joy and wonder
that Christmas promises

24
00:01:27,085 --> 00:01:30,965
and that miracle that occurred
on that silent winter's night.

25
00:01:32,923 --> 00:01:36,403
Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, Jesus!

26
00:01:36,675 --> 00:01:40,875
"Seven maids a-milking,
six maids a-milking, five maids a-milk...

27
00:01:44,181 --> 00:01:46,461
You're not wearing the sweater I made you.

28
00:01:46,682 --> 00:01:50,962
- Uh... Well, it's a little warm in here.
- "Don we now our gay apparel. "

29
00:01:53,229 --> 00:01:54,829
Doesn't get much gayer than this.

30
00:01:55,022 --> 00:01:58,622
Tomorrow's Christmas Eve,
and you still haven't gotten a tree.

31
00:01:58,775 --> 00:02:03,455
I told you, I'm on dipsaluscious vacation.
What part of that don't you understand?

32
00:02:03,777 --> 00:02:07,577
Come on, honey. It's the only thing
I've asked you to do. Please?

33
00:02:07,822 --> 00:02:09,622
Brian, tape this for me.

34
00:02:09,824 --> 00:02:13,224
The VCR hasn't worked since
you tried to tape Monday Night Football.

35
00:02:16,787 --> 00:02:19,987
Do you have the express written consent
of ABC and the NFL?

36
00:02:20,248 --> 00:02:21,648
Just ABC.

37
00:02:24,709 --> 00:02:29,829
If you get us a tree, I'll make sure
Santa brings you a new VCR. Please?

38
00:02:30,129 --> 00:02:32,449
Crap. How come I have...? Commercial!

39
00:02:37,135 --> 00:02:39,735
I got something to add to my Christmas list.

40
00:02:39,928 --> 00:02:44,848
Those jewelled bug barrettes. Not costume -
real. Maybe you should write that down.

41
00:02:45,140 --> 00:02:49,940
Honey, Santa got all his shopping done
before the rush. I think you'll be very happy.

42
00:02:50,268 --> 00:02:52,468
I just want peace on Earth.

43
00:02:52,562 --> 00:02:57,042
That's better than being selfish like Meg,
right? So I should get more than her.

44
00:02:57,357 --> 00:03:00,237
Merry Christmas to all
and to all shut the hell up.

45
00:03:00,484 --> 00:03:03,564
Before you sit, we're due at
Joe and Bonnie's for eggnog.

46
00:03:03,820 --> 00:03:08,300
- Can't we tell them your mother died?
- I won't lie about something like that.

47
00:03:08,615 --> 00:03:13,215
All right, I'll kill your mother. God, when
did Christmas become so complicated?

48
00:03:16,955 --> 00:03:20,435
- You guys know that Rudolph is on, right?
- Peter!

49
00:03:20,707 --> 00:03:23,107
Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house.

50
00:03:23,292 --> 00:03:27,612
Yeah! It's perfect for
all the happy active gingerbread men.

51
00:03:27,878 --> 00:03:33,078
Except for the one with no legs! Look at
the parents telling their kids not to stare.

52
00:03:33,424 --> 00:03:38,704
"How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?"
I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well!

53
00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:42,253
Joe, you promised. It's Christmas.

54
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:45,272
Joe had his accident at Christmastime.

55
00:03:46,558 --> 00:03:47,358
Heh.

56
00:03:47,476 --> 00:03:50,276
"Check the balls on Uncle Charlie,
fa-la-la-la-la...

57
00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:53,000
Yes! Time to go a-wassailing!

58
00:03:53,938 --> 00:03:56,538
- Hi, Peter.
- Hi, I'm Prancer.

59
00:03:56,774 --> 00:03:58,854
Why don't you take Joe along?

60
00:03:59,068 --> 00:04:03,068
That'll be about as much fun as
a lecture on ontological empiricism.

61
00:04:03,236 --> 00:04:04,236
- What?
- What?

62
00:04:04,362 --> 00:04:06,882
Honey, he could use some Christmas spirit.

63
00:04:07,073 --> 00:04:10,593
- For me? Please?
- All right, all right.

64
00:04:10,825 --> 00:04:15,225
But you owe me. Later, under the mistletoe.
Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.

65
00:04:18,247 --> 00:04:22,727
The gifts are in the trunk. Don't forget
to drop off the one for Toys for Toddlers.

66
00:04:23,042 --> 00:04:24,242
All right.

67
00:04:24,293 --> 00:04:26,173
- Somebody give me a beer.
- Heads up.

68
00:04:27,087 --> 00:04:30,407
Yeah, Peter, one of us has
to be the designated driver,

69
00:04:30,631 --> 00:04:33,831
and I've already had four eggnogs,
so I guess you're it.

70
00:04:34,092 --> 00:04:37,292
Ha! That's a good one, Joe.
Way to get into the spirit.

71
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:39,631
- Oh!
- I'm a cop first, a buddy second,

72
00:04:39,804 --> 00:04:43,524
so don't think I wouldn't throw
your drunk-driving ass in the slammer!

73
00:04:43,766 --> 00:04:45,366
All right, let's a-wassail!

74
00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:52,540
Stewie, honey, time for bed.
You have a big day tomorrow, Baby Jesus.

75
00:04:52,855 --> 00:04:54,855
Trust me, if I could walk on water,

76
00:04:55,023 --> 00:04:58,623
I'd stroll you to a lake and hold you under
until the bubbles stopped!

77
00:04:58,901 --> 00:05:01,781
Oh, someone's being naughty, not nice.

78
00:05:02,028 --> 00:05:05,708
- You know, Santa's watching you.
- What the devil do you mean?

79
00:05:05,989 --> 00:05:09,189
Honey, Santa's making a list
and checking it twice.

80
00:05:09,409 --> 00:05:12,609
- He sees you when you're sleeping.
- He knows when you're awake.

81
00:05:12,869 --> 00:05:16,269
I almost caught him last year. But he's magic!

82
00:05:16,497 --> 00:05:20,217
Constant surveillance
of every child on Earth? Impossible!

83
00:05:20,458 --> 00:05:23,578
Unless... Hidden cameras!

84
00:05:23,710 --> 00:05:27,310
Very clever. Watching to see
if I'm naughty are you?

85
00:05:27,546 --> 00:05:29,546
Well, check this twice!

86
00:05:42,056 --> 00:05:43,856
Hey, guys. Check me out.

87
00:05:44,016 --> 00:05:46,016
Whoa! Whoa!

88
00:05:47,476 --> 00:05:48,956
Whoa... Agh!

89
00:05:53,315 --> 00:05:54,995
Whoa. Whoa! Aagh!

90
00:05:56,024 --> 00:05:59,624
Oh, no! Oh, no! I've broken my legs!

91
00:06:03,112 --> 00:06:06,712
That's about as funny as Sinbad.
Not the comedian. He's hilarious.

92
00:06:06,949 --> 00:06:09,869
The sailor. But then he was
never meant to be funny.

93
00:06:10,076 --> 00:06:12,396
I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers.

94
00:06:12,494 --> 00:06:16,174
Sounds like somebody's
got a humbug up his butt.

95
00:06:17,706 --> 00:06:20,586
Maybe we should set him up
with another lemon snow cone.

96
00:06:20,834 --> 00:06:25,434
No, thanks. The last one you gave me
didn't taste like lemon. It tasted like...

97
00:06:25,712 --> 00:06:27,432
Oh, you guys are asses!

98
00:06:31,132 --> 00:06:32,852
I knew you were awake.

99
00:06:33,009 --> 00:06:34,729
You!

100
00:06:39,055 --> 00:06:41,775
Now, Stewie, you are in my power.

101
00:06:41,973 --> 00:06:45,973
Agh! No, damn you!
Damn you, let me go! Agh!

102
00:06:48,144 --> 00:06:51,544
Good, Melvin. Nice work, Woodrow.

103
00:06:51,772 --> 00:06:54,772
Excellent, Stewie.

104
00:06:55,024 --> 00:06:56,104
Agh!

105
00:06:56,276 --> 00:06:59,956
It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa.

106
00:07:00,236 --> 00:07:03,916
If he were omnipotent, he'd have
the fortitude to show himself!

107
00:07:05,323 --> 00:07:09,043
See? I'm just barking in the dark.
No one here but me.

108
00:07:12,828 --> 00:07:15,548
All right, where's the wire?
Show yourself, Claus!

109
00:07:15,747 --> 00:07:18,867
- Stewie, go to sleep!
- This doesn't involve you, Lois!

110
00:07:19,083 --> 00:07:23,003
- I don't want to have to come in there.
- I don't want to have to come in there!

111
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:26,946
Shh. Dad's awake.

112
00:07:27,131 --> 00:07:31,131
- Don't whisper. I don't have a hangover.
- It's a Christmas miracle.

113
00:07:31,383 --> 00:07:33,703
Shouldn't you have your sweater on?

114
00:07:35,970 --> 00:07:38,490
That's for letting Joe
join in your reindeer games.

115
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:43,480
Now you go relax while I make my little
Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes.

116
00:07:43,809 --> 00:07:46,209
If I'm asleep, just stuff 'em in my mouth.

117
00:07:47,352 --> 00:07:49,232
- Just one more thing.
- Lois!

118
00:07:49,438 --> 00:07:52,238
I need you to take the presents
out of the trunk.

119
00:07:53,608 --> 00:07:57,688
- Aren't you gonna do it?
- I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers.

120
00:07:57,985 --> 00:08:01,265
All? One gift was for charity.
The rest were for the family.

121
00:08:01,529 --> 00:08:06,129
No, the rest were from the family.
Were... weren't they?

122
00:08:06,408 --> 00:08:10,208
Oh, crap. Since when did they change
the meaning of "for" to "from"?

123
00:08:10,494 --> 00:08:13,174
- They had a meeting about it last night.
- Why wasn't I told?

124
00:08:13,412 --> 00:08:15,692
They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter",

125
00:08:15,915 --> 00:08:19,515
so you must've thought it was from you,
so you didn't, uh...

126
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:22,150
It's just easier to call you stupid.

127
00:08:27,172 --> 00:08:30,052
You're gonna take back
donated gifts on Christmas Eve?

128
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:34,900
Yep. Now here's the plan: You'll enter
through the air conditioning duct here.

129
00:08:35,178 --> 00:08:37,978
There's a laser grid
three inches above the floor,

130
00:08:38,222 --> 00:08:41,302
so you have to compress your body
to the size of a sponge

131
00:08:41,558 --> 00:08:45,638
and slide underneath like some
kind of weird amphibious dolphin.

132
00:08:45,936 --> 00:08:47,736
Can I buy some pot from you?

133
00:08:47,896 --> 00:08:50,016
- What you want?
- Oh!

134
00:08:50,189 --> 00:08:53,909
So you understand, all these gifts
were supposed to be for my family.

135
00:08:54,150 --> 00:08:56,270
It was just some crazy mix-up.

136
00:08:58,945 --> 00:09:00,745
Kill 'em.

137
00:09:00,947 --> 00:09:04,427
No, no, no, it's true.
That remote control car was for my son.

138
00:09:04,699 --> 00:09:08,499
And those barrettes were for my daughter,
and... Where's my VCR?

139
00:09:08,744 --> 00:09:11,664
Dang it, Buck!
It's my turn to use the sexbox!

140
00:09:11,870 --> 00:09:15,790
It's my sexbox! And her name is Sony.

141
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:17,956
You gave away all the presents?

142
00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:23,245
If you strike me down, I shall become more
powerful than you can possibly imagine.

143
00:09:23,545 --> 00:09:27,265
You brought glad tidings to
a family less fortunate than your own.

144
00:09:27,506 --> 00:09:28,506
You're not mad?

145
00:09:28,674 --> 00:09:34,354
I am a bit irritated that I have to shop again.
But at least some good came out of it.

146
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:38,320
So I can drink beer and watch TV?
Because Kiss Saves Santa is on.

147
00:09:38,556 --> 00:09:40,876
But, Mrs Claus, who would kidnap Santa?

148
00:09:41,058 --> 00:09:43,978
Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out.

149
00:09:44,185 --> 00:09:46,985
Someone stole Santa? That does not rock!

150
00:09:47,228 --> 00:09:50,228
Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas.

151
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,560
- To the Kisscopter!
- Yay!

152
00:09:58,987 --> 00:10:03,307
You can watch all the TV you want...
just as soon as we get back from the mall.

153
00:10:03,573 --> 00:10:05,173
The mall? On Christmas Eve?

154
00:10:05,367 --> 00:10:08,247
I just want this family
to have a perfect Christmas.

155
00:10:08,493 --> 00:10:10,973
And I need a little help, OK?

156
00:10:11,204 --> 00:10:14,804
- Brian, can you turn the oven off at three?
- No problem.

157
00:10:14,957 --> 00:10:16,637
We'll shop, come home, eat,

158
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:20,633
and then it's off to the pageant
to see little Stewie play Baby Jesus.

159
00:10:20,877 --> 00:10:24,677
Yes, yes. By all means
turn me into a child star.

160
00:10:24,964 --> 00:10:29,564
Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-a and
wrangle a three-way with the Olsen twins.

161
00:10:35,262 --> 00:10:37,062
There's a spot!

162
00:10:38,807 --> 00:10:40,527
Ah, screw this.

163
00:10:47,145 --> 00:10:50,345
OK, Peter. We'll each take
half the list to save time.

164
00:10:50,607 --> 00:10:53,807
Kids, why don't you
take Stewie to see Santa?

165
00:10:54,026 --> 00:10:55,546
Santa?

166
00:10:58,112 --> 00:11:01,912
No, it's not possible!
Sitting alone in this public setting?

167
00:11:02,156 --> 00:11:05,476
No bulletproof glass?
Claus, you make it too easy.

168
00:11:05,701 --> 00:11:08,821
Change me! I've leaked,
and I won't face him wet!

169
00:11:14,165 --> 00:11:16,965
We return to
"Bob Hope's Christmas With The Troops".

170
00:11:17,084 --> 00:11:19,884
It's good to see you.
I would've been here sooner,

171
00:11:20,002 --> 00:11:23,482
but Lincoln gave me
the wrong Gettysburg Address.

172
00:11:23,755 --> 00:11:26,355
How about this having
to sit still for 60 seconds

173
00:11:26,549 --> 00:11:28,949
to have your picture taken?

174
00:11:32,095 --> 00:11:34,175
Ah, sweet! It's Kiss Saves Santa.

175
00:11:34,388 --> 00:11:36,268
Hang on, Santa. We're coming!

176
00:11:36,472 --> 00:11:38,352
Hurry! The eggs are hatching!

177
00:11:38,557 --> 00:11:40,637
- What do we do?
- Wait a second.

178
00:11:40,850 --> 00:11:44,330
Everyone knows pterodactyls
can't stand the screech of a guitar!

179
00:11:49,190 --> 00:11:51,190
- It's working!
- Santa, be careful!

180
00:11:51,358 --> 00:11:53,478
- Careful, Santa!
- Hang on, Santa!

181
00:11:56,278 --> 00:11:59,358
- I was watching that! Hey!
- It'll be on next Christmas.

182
00:11:59,614 --> 00:12:01,694
Who the hell knows when that will be?

183
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:13,164
Agh!

184
00:12:14,208 --> 00:12:16,608
If I was an oven mitt...

185
00:12:26,299 --> 00:12:28,299
Dammit, Peter!

186
00:12:29,718 --> 00:12:33,238
Ho, ho, ho.
And what can I bring you this year?

187
00:12:33,471 --> 00:12:36,271
A peace offering, is it? Very well.

188
00:12:36,515 --> 00:12:39,795
Trim those gin-soaked whiskers
and bring me plutonium.

189
00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:44,339
- Can you be a good boy?
- Hm, your inquiry intrigues me.

190
00:12:44,645 --> 00:12:48,725
Can any of us be good? Are our primal
urges innate or the result of our choices?

191
00:12:49,023 --> 00:12:50,303
OK, wrap it up, kid.

192
00:12:50,483 --> 00:12:56,563
All right, Kringle! If the reward is plutonium,
then your wager is accepted. I will be nice.

193
00:12:56,946 --> 00:12:59,826
Good boy! Now, smile for the camera.

194
00:13:00,072 --> 00:13:03,952
Yes, yes, smile... like a good boy.

195
00:13:15,083 --> 00:13:17,683
Aha! Meg's barrettes.

196
00:13:17,877 --> 00:13:20,797
You mean Julie's barrettes!

197
00:13:21,004 --> 00:13:23,804
You still want 'em, you bony old blue-hair?

198
00:13:24,048 --> 00:13:26,128
Ow! Ow! Titty-twister! Ow! Hurts!

199
00:13:26,841 --> 00:13:28,641
Hey!

200
00:13:58,530 --> 00:13:59,650
Aha!

201
00:14:00,824 --> 00:14:04,744
All the clown fish and yellow tangs
in the world can't help you now.

202
00:14:08,872 --> 00:14:12,872
That's it? Fish food?
That's your ace in the hole?

203
00:14:15,334 --> 00:14:17,214
Agh! Agh! Oh, God! Agh!

204
00:14:18,669 --> 00:14:19,949
Phew.

205
00:14:21,047 --> 00:14:21,647
Turkey!

206
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:34,200
Lois, it was horrible. The fish were
jumping all over my eyes and in my nose,

207
00:14:34,515 --> 00:14:37,395
and one of them muttered
something anti-Semitic.

208
00:14:37,641 --> 00:14:42,241
We're almost home, honey. Look.
There's the star on the town Christmas tree.

209
00:14:42,436 --> 00:14:45,236
We're following it home,
like the Three Wise Men.

210
00:14:45,981 --> 00:14:47,781
- So, what'd you get him?
- Gold.

211
00:14:47,941 --> 00:14:51,261
Gold? I thought we agreed
on a $5 limit here.

212
00:14:51,484 --> 00:14:56,084
- I just got him a crappy bottle of myrrh.
- Hello? Frankincense! You always do this!

213
00:14:56,405 --> 00:15:00,205
Look, we'll put everything together
and put all our names on it.

214
00:15:00,449 --> 00:15:01,769
- No!
- That's so chea...

215
00:15:01,908 --> 00:15:03,908
- Yes!
- No! No, no, no, no, no!

216
00:15:04,118 --> 00:15:05,318
You can't...

217
00:15:10,581 --> 00:15:13,261
Oh, my God! Brian, are you OK?

218
00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:16,380
I told you we should've left cookies for Santa.

219
00:15:17,670 --> 00:15:18,550
Agh!

220
00:15:20,463 --> 00:15:23,983
My couch! My TV! What the hell did you do?

221
00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:27,212
Me? Who the hell buys
a novelty fire extinguisher?

222
00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:32,868
Someone who cares enough about physical
comedy to put his family at serious risk.

223
00:15:33,180 --> 00:15:35,780
Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve.

224
00:15:36,016 --> 00:15:39,096
This is a night for magic and wonder and joy.

225
00:15:39,352 --> 00:15:44,232
OK, so a couple of things have gone wrong.
But we can still have a great Christmas.

226
00:15:46,648 --> 00:15:50,248
Jeez, kids. I was this close to losing it.
But your mom's right.

227
00:15:50,401 --> 00:15:54,201
Sure I am.
Meg, honey, get me some paper towels.

228
00:15:54,445 --> 00:15:58,245
Let's lose the bad tidings
and find that holiday cheer.

229
00:15:58,532 --> 00:15:59,532
Yeah, all right.

230
00:15:59,657 --> 00:16:01,577
We're out of paper towels.

231
00:16:01,742 --> 00:16:07,142
No paper towels? Aaaaagh!

232
00:16:10,207 --> 00:16:13,087
- I was gonna pick at that.
- Shut your fat mouth!

233
00:16:13,333 --> 00:16:15,733
You all think Christmas just happens?

234
00:16:15,836 --> 00:16:19,716
You think all this goodwill falls
from the freakin' sky? It doesn't!

235
00:16:20,005 --> 00:16:22,085
It falls out of my holly-jolly butt!

236
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:26,829
So cook your own damn turkey,
wrap your own damn presents,

237
00:16:27,093 --> 00:16:31,693
and while you're at it, you can all
ride a one-horse open sleigh to hell!

238
00:16:32,097 --> 00:16:33,777
Aaagh!

239
00:16:38,976 --> 00:16:41,576
Oh, here's the paper towels.

240
00:16:43,855 --> 00:16:45,655
I-I-I changed my mind.

241
00:16:45,857 --> 00:16:48,937
Clarence, I wanna live again!
I wanna live again!

242
00:16:49,192 --> 00:16:50,672
Whoa!

243
00:16:54,071 --> 00:16:57,591
Hey, I guess there's some magic
in that old silk hat.

244
00:16:58,991 --> 00:17:01,191
Merry Christmas!

245
00:17:01,367 --> 00:17:03,567
- Easy, lady.
- You want some of this!

246
00:17:06,705 --> 00:17:09,705
- What the hell is her problem?
- Frosty, let it go!

247
00:17:09,915 --> 00:17:12,315
Just a second.
You got something to say to me?

248
00:17:12,542 --> 00:17:14,822
All he did was wish you a merry Christmas.

249
00:17:15,044 --> 00:17:17,244
Wish? It's easy to wish.

250
00:17:17,420 --> 00:17:21,140
But does anyone take responsibility
and make it happen? No!

251
00:17:21,381 --> 00:17:26,181
You all expect someone else to do it
for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy!

252
00:17:26,511 --> 00:17:28,791
Ah! Ow! What the...?

253
00:17:33,056 --> 00:17:35,176
Take it off! Take it off!

254
00:17:37,643 --> 00:17:41,563
Must... kill... star.

255
00:17:42,438 --> 00:17:45,638
Dad, what happened to Mom?
What if she never comes back?

256
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:50,299
If this is the way she's gonna act
at Christmas, do we even want her back?

257
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:55,369
Which is better? Around the waist
or off the shoulder? Waist? Shoulder?

258
00:17:55,697 --> 00:17:58,177
I thought you didn't
wanna be in the pageant.

259
00:17:58,408 --> 00:18:03,488
Megan, Santa would think it terribly naughty
of me not to fulfil my obligation to Mother.

260
00:18:03,828 --> 00:18:07,428
- The pageant means so much to her.
- Where do you think she is?

261
00:18:07,664 --> 00:18:11,064
Thank God years ago I planted
a homing device in her skull

262
00:18:11,333 --> 00:18:14,013
for just such an occasion.

263
00:18:14,252 --> 00:18:16,452
I forgot. I also put 'em in some squirrels.

264
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:19,549
This won't do any good.
Let's see if she's at the pageant.

265
00:18:20,381 --> 00:18:23,101
You... you lied to me.

266
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:25,700
Oh, my God! There's Mom!

267
00:18:25,927 --> 00:18:28,327
Hi, Lois! Do we look like ants down here?

268
00:18:28,512 --> 00:18:29,632
Bite me!

269
00:18:29,763 --> 00:18:33,283
Great time last night.
Don't worry. We'll get Lois down.

270
00:18:33,516 --> 00:18:36,236
- Locked and loaded.
- You can't shoot my mom!

271
00:18:36,435 --> 00:18:39,435
Don't worry, kid.
It's just a mild sedative. Go!

272
00:18:40,312 --> 00:18:45,512
Hang on. Lois is only up there because we
sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her.

273
00:18:45,816 --> 00:18:49,016
Maybe if she sees the pageant,
it'll bring her around.

274
00:18:49,276 --> 00:18:52,276
Trust him. He's seen every
Christmas special ever made.

275
00:18:52,488 --> 00:18:55,488
- Are you wearing a girl's sweater?
- Does that matter now?

276
00:18:55,740 --> 00:18:56,620
You got ten minutes.

277
00:18:57,824 --> 00:18:59,704
Lights, please.

278
00:19:00,952 --> 00:19:04,432
As we all know, Christmas
is that mystical time of year

279
00:19:04,704 --> 00:19:09,904
when the ghost of Jesus rises from
the grave to feed on the flesh of the living.

280
00:19:10,124 --> 00:19:13,004
So we sing Christmas carols
to lull him to sleep.

281
00:19:13,252 --> 00:19:16,332
How dare he say such blasphemy!
I've gotta do something!

282
00:19:16,588 --> 00:19:19,668
Bob, there's nothing you can do.

283
00:19:19,923 --> 00:19:22,923
I guess I'll just have to
develop a sense of humour.

284
00:19:23,968 --> 00:19:29,568
I am the Virgin Mary.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

285
00:19:29,930 --> 00:19:33,210
Oh, our saviour has arrived!

286
00:19:34,517 --> 00:19:37,117
Good evening. I'm playing the role of Jesus,

287
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:40,510
a man once portrayed on the big screen
by Jeffrey Hunter.

288
00:19:40,771 --> 00:19:44,971
You may remember him as the actor
replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek.

289
00:19:45,233 --> 00:19:47,633
Mr Hunter was good enough
to die for our sins,

290
00:19:47,860 --> 00:19:51,140
but not quite up to the task
of seducing green women.

291
00:19:52,655 --> 00:19:57,655
Anyhoo, the perennial dictum is
to spread goodwill towards all men.

292
00:19:57,950 --> 00:20:00,870
The irony is that this is
contrary to our nature.

293
00:20:01,078 --> 00:20:05,078
So why do we do it?
Because we are being watched!

294
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:10,771
And so we unselfishly think of others,

295
00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:16,281
assured that our good behaviour will
be rewarded with love... and plutonium.

296
00:20:19,549 --> 00:20:21,949
She's not getting it.
OK, take her down.

297
00:20:30,390 --> 00:20:33,790
- Merry Christmas, buddy.
- Wonder what this could be.

298
00:20:34,642 --> 00:20:35,842
Oh.

299
00:20:36,019 --> 00:20:41,299
- This Christmas rocks!
- Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts. Mom?

300
00:20:41,648 --> 00:20:44,328
It's OK. Your mom's just
full of Christmas cheer

301
00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:47,567
and enough tranquilliser
to bring down a bull elephant.

302
00:20:47,777 --> 00:20:51,577
Honey, you got a little some...
You got a little... Oh, I'll get it.

303
00:20:52,488 --> 00:20:57,168
Hungry Hungry Hippos?
Claus, you porcine double-crosser!

304
00:20:57,492 --> 00:21:01,292
- And to think I was nice!
- You got another one, dude.

305
00:21:02,704 --> 00:21:04,704
Plutonium!

306
00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:08,792
He is real! He's really, really real!

307
00:21:08,958 --> 00:21:13,358
- Did you get everything you wanted?
- You bet. A week's vacation, a new VCR,

308
00:21:13,629 --> 00:21:16,949
and best of all,
my own copy of Kiss Saves Santa.

309
00:21:19,382 --> 00:21:23,782
You just practise that guitar, Santa.
Next time we'll let you do a solo.

310
00:21:24,053 --> 00:21:25,853
Don't encourage him!

311
00:21:33,351 --> 00:21:36,631
- From all of us at Family Guy...
- We wish you Christmas joy.

312
00:21:36,895 --> 00:21:38,775
May all your wishes come true...

313
00:21:38,980 --> 00:21:40,780
For every girl and boy.

314
00:21:40,856 --> 00:21:44,136
We hope your freakin' holidays
are filled with fun and cheer.

315
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,200
So have a Merry Christmas and...

