1
00:00:01,180 --> 00:00:03,260
Previously on "Family Guy":

2
00:00:03,475 --> 00:00:06,075
Oh, my God. Tell your father
not to start the car.

3
00:00:08,774 --> 00:00:12,494
You want my badge number?
Here's my freakin' badge number!

4
00:00:13,364 --> 00:00:16,484
- I can't lose this case.
- Lois, the case is already over.

5
00:00:18,287 --> 00:00:20,167
Who did this to you?!

6
00:00:20,373 --> 00:00:23,853
In all my research,
I've never seen a virus reproduce so fast.

7
00:00:30,262 --> 00:00:32,382
Everyone I told about the file is dead.

8
00:00:32,557 --> 00:00:35,877
What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"?
They're all blue.

9
00:00:37,897 --> 00:00:41,097
Face it. He's never coming out of that coma.

10
00:00:46,534 --> 00:00:49,134
Aaaargh!

11
00:00:49,372 --> 00:00:52,972
Brian's gone to Los Angeles
to find himself.

12
00:00:53,836 --> 00:00:56,836
"It seems today that all you see

13
00:00:57,091 --> 00:01:00,291
"Is violence in movies and sex on TV

14
00:01:00,512 --> 00:01:04,032
"But where are those
good old-fashioned values

15
00:01:04,267 --> 00:01:06,987
"On which we used to rely?

16
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"Lucky there's a family guy

17
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"Lucky there's a man who positively can do
all the things that make us

18
00:01:15,449 --> 00:01:17,049
"Laugh and cry

19
00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:22,122
"He's a family guy

20
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Don't throw out Brian's things.

21
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He won't be in LA for ever.
He just needs to find himself.

22
00:01:31,931 --> 00:01:35,211
He's not coming back, Lois.
He just walked out on us.

23
00:01:35,477 --> 00:01:37,877
Oh, boy, did we have some good times.

24
00:01:38,815 --> 00:01:40,815
Here it comes, buddy.

25
00:01:42,988 --> 00:01:45,468
Argh! Oh, God! Oh, God!

26
00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:47,180
Argh! Ow!

27
00:01:47,369 --> 00:01:49,369
What are the odds? Argh!

28
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If he does come back,
I want everything to be how he left it.

29
00:01:53,001 --> 00:01:55,081
Easy! Massage the scalp.

30
00:01:55,296 --> 00:01:59,496
You're washing a baby's hair, not
scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress.

31
00:01:59,761 --> 00:02:02,881
- We got a letter from Brian.
- Tell him I'm not here.

32
00:02:03,099 --> 00:02:05,699
- Let me see.
- Argh! Argh!

33
00:02:05,936 --> 00:02:09,736
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
There. All better?

34
00:02:09,983 --> 00:02:14,103
You are some piece of work, lady.
If you... Actually, yes, it is.

35
00:02:15,324 --> 00:02:18,604
"Greetings from California.
I've been very busy. "

36
00:02:18,871 --> 00:02:21,951
"Having a great time trying
to make it as a writer in LA."

37
00:02:22,209 --> 00:02:24,689
"It's as easy as everyone thinks it is. "

38
00:02:24,921 --> 00:02:29,201
"I've been working the room
at a lot of Hollywood parties. " Oh!

39
00:02:32,014 --> 00:02:34,614
Bobby! Loved you in Raging Bull.

40
00:02:34,809 --> 00:02:36,809
Hey, Jodie, how's the baby?

41
00:02:37,021 --> 00:02:39,021
All right.

42
00:02:39,941 --> 00:02:45,141
I need more cheese puffs. Oprah's off the
wagon. No toothpicks. She'll hurt herself.

43
00:02:45,449 --> 00:02:48,649
Did you hear about Jason?
Paramount bought his script.

44
00:02:48,912 --> 00:02:52,992
- They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger?
- 100 grand. Pretty good, huh?

45
00:02:53,293 --> 00:02:56,493
Sheesh. He's been in LA
how long? Unbelievable.

46
00:02:56,715 --> 00:03:01,115
You know he actually called the main
character John Everyman? Come on.

47
00:03:01,429 --> 00:03:03,509
Well, good for him.

48
00:03:14,155 --> 00:03:16,355
Keanu Reeves. Wow.

49
00:03:16,534 --> 00:03:22,454
I don't usually gush, so forgive me, but when
I was writing Coastguard... Oh, I'm a writer.

50
00:03:22,792 --> 00:03:27,112
When I was writing Coastguard,
I couldn't think of anyone other than...

51
00:03:27,382 --> 00:03:31,102
- There's a woodpecker on your head.
- Yeah, he comes and goes.

52
00:03:33,140 --> 00:03:35,420
Now back to "Kids Say the Darndest Things".

53
00:03:35,643 --> 00:03:38,723
It's OK. Take your time. Then what happened?

54
00:03:38,981 --> 00:03:42,981
He... said he would kill me
if I ever said anything.

55
00:03:43,237 --> 00:03:48,557
- Do you remember what he looked like?
- Yeah. He had a scar on his arm

56
00:03:48,870 --> 00:03:51,270
and he had a big, stupid, doo-doo head.

57
00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:53,979
A big, stupid, doo-doo head!

58
00:03:57,340 --> 00:04:00,740
Oh, honestly, the things
these children come up with.

59
00:04:00,970 --> 00:04:06,170
If you have a child you'd like to exploit to get
a trip to LA, have them try out for our show.

60
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:09,600
Next auditions in New York
and Quahog, Rhode Island.

61
00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:14,058
- Maybe Stewie could get on that show.
- You must be shrooming.

62
00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:17,242
Yeah! We can get a free trip
to LA and see Brian.

63
00:04:17,451 --> 00:04:21,971
Jeez, I haven't been to California
since I lived with my other family.

64
00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:25,570
Guys, I just got invited to a party
at Sharon Tate's house!

65
00:04:25,796 --> 00:04:29,516
You guys can come, but you gotta
promise not to embarrass me.

66
00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:35,137
Talk! I know you've been plotting
to foil my plans of world domination.

67
00:04:35,393 --> 00:04:38,713
Who are you working for?
The Libyans? The French?

68
00:04:38,939 --> 00:04:43,259
Very well. If torture won't work,
perhaps a little tenderness will.

69
00:04:43,529 --> 00:04:50,449
Mm, I like your taste in women. Yes, she and I
are going to have a good time together.

70
00:04:50,831 --> 00:04:53,351
Yes, you like this, don't you?

71
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:57,463
Oh, God. Look at me having sex
with a pig. I've become my father.

72
00:04:57,715 --> 00:05:00,035
Stewie, let's get your sailor suit.

73
00:05:00,219 --> 00:05:02,939
You gotta look cute
to audition for national TV.

74
00:05:03,140 --> 00:05:05,860
Lois, I told you. There's no way...

75
00:05:06,060 --> 00:05:09,260
National TV, you say? Coast to coast?

76
00:05:09,523 --> 00:05:15,723
That could be the ideal place to unleash my
hypnosis device on the unsuspecting public.

77
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I always loved this little sailor suit.
Or we could do nice corduroys and a sweater.

78
00:05:21,206 --> 00:05:25,406
Or you could make yourself useful
and wipe my button - circular motion.

79
00:05:25,671 --> 00:05:27,471
And don't you look at me!

80
00:05:33,181 --> 00:05:37,181
Oh, my God. That's Michael Eisner.
I'll take it from here, Julio.

81
00:05:40,066 --> 00:05:43,186
Here you go, Mr Eisner. It's been Brian-ised.

82
00:05:43,404 --> 00:05:45,724
You might notice that new-script smell.

83
00:05:45,907 --> 00:05:49,107
Every car I hand-wash
comes with a smile, an air freshener,

84
00:05:49,370 --> 00:05:53,370
and a copy of my coming-of-age
teen comedy set in Wisconsin.

85
00:05:53,626 --> 00:05:55,226
- What's your name?
- Brian.

86
00:05:55,420 --> 00:05:58,300
Let's see. There we go.

87
00:05:58,550 --> 00:06:00,150
Brian.

88
00:06:00,302 --> 00:06:03,222
See you at Disneyland. Bring money.

89
00:06:10,024 --> 00:06:14,824
Look. It's Tom Tucker from the news.
And that must be his son.

90
00:06:15,114 --> 00:06:18,714
- Oh, my.
- I feel bad staring without having got a ticket.

91
00:06:18,995 --> 00:06:21,995
How can I follow that act?
Bite the head off a chicken?

92
00:06:22,207 --> 00:06:26,327
- Dad, they're staring at me.
- They're just jealous.

93
00:06:27,965 --> 00:06:30,045
- You're next.
- Wait. We were next.

94
00:06:30,260 --> 00:06:33,460
Hey! Hey! Don't walk away from me! Hey!

95
00:06:34,224 --> 00:06:39,104
You know what we'll do? We'll get
the video camera and make our own show.

96
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:43,640
- I don't wanna.
- Yes, you do. You do because it's normal.

97
00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:48,284
Tell us, Stewie. What job does a mommy do?

98
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Interesting question.
More to the point, how does one define "job"

99
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without branding oneself with useless
labels?

100
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I'm sorry. I'm afraid I answered
your question with another question.

101
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Um... How old do you think Daddy is?

102
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42.

103
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Oh. I mean, Daddy's old. I think he's seven.

104
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That's it. That's what you want to hear.
Yes, jump through the hoop.

105
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:19,280
Daddy's feet smell.

106
00:07:19,495 --> 00:07:21,295
Jackasses.

107
00:07:21,373 --> 00:07:25,253
Mr and Mrs Griffin, he's adorable.

108
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Congratulations.
Stewie's gonna be on the show.

109
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Did you hear that? We're going to Hollywood,
where people are sexy and clever

110
00:07:33,473 --> 00:07:37,273
and always say somethin' funny
before the commercial break.

111
00:07:46,824 --> 00:07:49,824
Great. I always end up
sitting next to a damn baby.

112
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What did you just say?

113
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- Stewie, stop fussing.
- Not now, Lois.

114
00:07:54,543 --> 00:07:58,343
Turn around. If you've got
something to say, say it to my face.

115
00:07:58,591 --> 00:08:00,991
Oh, you can't hear me now? That's it.

116
00:08:01,219 --> 00:08:04,819
I was going to watch the movie,
but forget it. You're now my bitch.

117
00:08:05,058 --> 00:08:07,178
Wah! Wah!

118
00:08:07,353 --> 00:08:10,273
My ears are popping
and there's no way to console me.

119
00:08:10,482 --> 00:08:15,482
I'm hungry and possibly teething.
Maybe I'm wet. Who knows? I'm a baby.

120
00:08:15,823 --> 00:08:18,023
Wah! Wah!

121
00:08:22,290 --> 00:08:26,970
This is a message
for Brian. This is Jack Nicholson.

122
00:08:27,297 --> 00:08:32,497
Listen, I read your script
and it just jumped right off the page.

123
00:08:32,805 --> 00:08:38,125
I think it's something I'd be excited
to be a part of, so call my...

124
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:45,640
Listen, I'm just jackin'you. Me and my buddy
Phil just found your script at Starbucks.

125
00:08:45,948 --> 00:08:48,348
- Tell him it sucks.
- Yeah, it sucks.

126
00:08:48,577 --> 00:08:52,577
Give it up, loser, and don't put
your number on the cover, you stupid...

127
00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:55,832
I'm hungry.

128
00:08:56,087 --> 00:08:58,687
Jasper's residence.

129
00:08:58,883 --> 00:09:03,403
- Who the hell is Jasper? Where's Brian?
- Peter? It's me. Jasper's my cousin.

130
00:09:03,681 --> 00:09:06,881
I'm using his place. He's working
at Club Med. Are you on a cell?

131
00:09:07,144 --> 00:09:11,944
- Yeah, we're in LA.
- What? W-What a terrific surprise.

132
00:09:12,234 --> 00:09:17,354
- Brian, can we see you for dinner?
- Yeah, you're not too famous to see us?

133
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:21,858
Well, I was invited to the premiere
of the new, uh...

134
00:09:24,877 --> 00:09:28,477
the new Val Kilmer picture,
but I'd rather take you out to dinner.

135
00:09:28,715 --> 00:09:33,835
- How about Musso & Frank's at eight?
- OK. See ya later, Mr Big Shot...

136
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:37,460
Crap. I didn't push "End".
This is gonna cost me a fortune.

137
00:09:41,650 --> 00:09:45,170
Brian! I'm back. Tell me everything.
I'm sitting, I'm hearing.

138
00:09:45,405 --> 00:09:49,325
That's Ricardo. Ricardo, Brian.
He doesn't speak English. Can I? Mm-mm.

139
00:09:49,578 --> 00:09:52,978
Catching up. OK, me first. I'm in love.
Ooh, too much dressing.

140
00:09:53,249 --> 00:09:56,129
He's from the Philippines.
I know - I'm a rice queen.

141
00:09:56,379 --> 00:10:00,579
- How's the writing thingy going?
- Terrible. I can't get my foot in the door.

142
00:10:00,843 --> 00:10:04,163
I have somebody you have to meet.
He's a producer. He's great.

143
00:10:04,390 --> 00:10:06,710
Really? Thanks. That'd be great.

144
00:10:06,893 --> 00:10:09,613
- D'you like sex and the city?
- It's an OK show.

145
00:10:09,814 --> 00:10:12,734
I wasn't talking about the show.
Ooh! I'm nasty.

146
00:10:12,943 --> 00:10:15,943
Someone send me out to sea.

147
00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:22,368
It says here this is the gutter
where the policeman fell over laughing

148
00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:26,345
after Eddie Murphy said he was just
giving the transvestite a ride home.

149
00:10:26,629 --> 00:10:29,509
Oh, I think that's me.

150
00:10:29,758 --> 00:10:32,038
- Hello.
- Hey, Peter. It's Quagmire.

151
00:10:32,262 --> 00:10:35,942
- Hey, Quagmire.
- Last night I had sex with a black chick.

152
00:10:36,226 --> 00:10:39,026
Uh... uh... I gotta go.

153
00:10:39,230 --> 00:10:41,630
- Sorry.
- What? All he said was "black chick".

154
00:10:41,858 --> 00:10:46,058
I know, but your boyfriend looks like
one of your typical angry black guys.

155
00:10:46,323 --> 00:10:50,843
Hey, we cool, G?
Yuh? Yuh? Yuh? All right.

156
00:10:53,833 --> 00:10:58,833
Halle Berry would be perfect as the camp
counsellor all the kids wanna "get with".

157
00:10:59,174 --> 00:11:01,574
Jasper was right. You're very talented.

158
00:11:01,761 --> 00:11:05,161
I'm having a brainstorm.
Ever thought about directing?

159
00:11:05,433 --> 00:11:08,633
- Just every waking hour!
- Well, I got this movie.

160
00:11:08,854 --> 00:11:12,054
It's a low-budget movie,
but the script is solid.

161
00:11:12,317 --> 00:11:17,117
My director quit and I need somebody who's
smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth.

162
00:11:17,408 --> 00:11:19,808
Well, I am smart and ambitious!

163
00:11:21,163 --> 00:11:22,683
- Seriously.
- I'm clean.

164
00:11:26,170 --> 00:11:29,290
Musso & Frank's is famous.
See the bar over there?

165
00:11:29,508 --> 00:11:34,628
- Great writers like Hemingway drank there.
- Where'd that guy who wrote Porky's drink?

166
00:11:34,932 --> 00:11:39,132
Oh, man, when that fat broad grabbed
that kid's crank through the hole.

167
00:11:39,438 --> 00:11:43,438
Where do they get their ideas?
You're the writer. You tell me.

168
00:11:43,694 --> 00:11:48,614
Oh, boy. This is great. All that searching,
that emptiness I felt back home, gone.

169
00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:53,109
- I've finally found my life's calling.
- How wonderful.

170
00:11:53,416 --> 00:11:57,096
I've always found your writing
a little hackneyed and stilted,

171
00:11:57,380 --> 00:12:01,260
but I guess that's why I'm not
workin' out here in Hollywood, huh?

172
00:12:01,552 --> 00:12:07,032
- Oh, congratulations on all your success.
- Uh, thank you.

173
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:10,993
- Know what might be a thrill for you guys?
- Ooh! Eating a pebble!

174
00:12:11,232 --> 00:12:15,152
Yes, but I was talking about
stopping by the set to see me in action.

175
00:12:15,404 --> 00:12:20,124
- Brian, could we really?
- You do know somebody in the business.

176
00:12:20,411 --> 00:12:24,331
I'm in the business too, you know.
I'm going to be on television.

177
00:12:24,584 --> 00:12:27,304
- Great.
- And when I make my appearance,

178
00:12:27,505 --> 00:12:31,425
- you'll all be talking about it the next day.
- Good luck with that.

179
00:12:31,677 --> 00:12:34,277
"Good luck with that. " Yutz.

180
00:12:36,392 --> 00:12:39,272
- Hello. Peter Griffin?
- You're in him.

181
00:12:39,521 --> 00:12:42,001
Are you happy with
your long-distance service?

182
00:12:42,233 --> 00:12:45,313
Yes, and I'm tired of you people
always calling during dinner.

183
00:12:45,571 --> 00:12:48,171
- Give me your supervisor.
- Hold, please.

184
00:12:51,413 --> 00:12:55,093
Oh, Peter, I love this song.
Open your mouth.

185
00:13:00,175 --> 00:13:03,255
Brian. Right on time. I like that. Come in.

186
00:13:03,513 --> 00:13:05,913
So, ready to shoot your first scene?

187
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:08,900
- Sure. Where's the set?
- Second door on your left.

188
00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:20,182
- So, this is a shampoo commercial, right?
- Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one?

189
00:13:20,495 --> 00:13:23,815
Can someone fluff Paul?
He's got a windsock thing goin' on.

190
00:13:24,041 --> 00:13:27,441
So, this is a shampoo commercial, right?

191
00:13:31,885 --> 00:13:34,765
Zack, I'm sorry.
There's just no way I can do this.

192
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:38,415
I've been around.
I've licked my share of peanut butter.

193
00:13:38,645 --> 00:13:41,645
But I think you need
to find yourself a new director.

194
00:13:41,899 --> 00:13:44,099
- Are you sure?
- I just can't do this.

195
00:13:44,277 --> 00:13:48,197
Is this any more degrading than
washing cars? Here you can be creative.

196
00:13:48,366 --> 00:13:54,966
I wanna make this perfectly clear. There is
absolutely no way I would consider doing it.

197
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:59,986
- Unless I saw a script first.
- Of course.

198
00:14:02,553 --> 00:14:05,433
- This isn't bad.
- It's like Bang the Drum Slowly,

199
00:14:05,682 --> 00:14:07,162
except the drum's a chick.

200
00:14:13,193 --> 00:14:16,673
Peter, slow down. Brian said
he was gonna be on the set all day.

201
00:14:16,948 --> 00:14:22,348
"On the set"! Listen to me. Two days in
Hollywood and I sound like a contract player.

202
00:14:24,750 --> 00:14:27,070
Oh, crap. The LAPD.

203
00:14:27,254 --> 00:14:29,654
Argh! Ow! Argh! Ow!

204
00:14:30,925 --> 00:14:34,525
Come on, Peter. I wanna save some tape
for the Hollywood sign.

205
00:14:34,764 --> 00:14:39,364
- OK. Hey, thanks a lot, you guys.
- Our pleasure. Have a nice vacation, sir.

206
00:14:39,688 --> 00:14:40,688
Ooh!

207
00:14:42,817 --> 00:14:45,897
Yes... yes... yes...

208
00:14:49,159 --> 00:14:55,279
Cut. OK, nice take, Jenna, but let's try
giving the lines a little subtext this time.

209
00:14:55,626 --> 00:15:00,026
Your husband's always away on business
and you feel isolated and unloved,

210
00:15:00,341 --> 00:15:04,621
so you begin to think maybe
you should go back to graduate school.

211
00:15:04,931 --> 00:15:07,731
That's when you notice
the cable man has no pants on.

212
00:15:08,686 --> 00:15:12,566
Wow, a real movie set.
Hey, this house looks kinda familiar.

213
00:15:12,858 --> 00:15:17,658
I'll bet Samuel L Jackson is here.
He's in everything. There's Brian!

214
00:15:17,949 --> 00:15:23,949
All right, Samuel, when you lay her down,
I want you to enter from... Oh, my God!

215
00:15:24,333 --> 00:15:27,333
- Hey, you guys.
- Hey, Brian. Can I be in the movie?

216
00:15:27,545 --> 00:15:31,545
The Jacuzzi girl didn't show. How long
can you hold your breath under water?

217
00:15:31,843 --> 00:15:36,723
- Real long. One time at Hatch Pond...
- No, absolutely not. You gotta leave.

218
00:15:37,059 --> 00:15:40,659
- Get these people out.
- Now you're a director, we embarrass you?

219
00:15:40,897 --> 00:15:45,017
- No, no... I mean, yes.
- Does anyone else smell Astroglide?

220
00:15:47,281 --> 00:15:49,081
You're gonna look so handsome.

221
00:15:49,242 --> 00:15:54,842
Look at these crow's-feet. God. You stay up
past 7.30 and you pay for it in the morning.

222
00:15:55,209 --> 00:15:59,409
- Who the hell does Brian think he is?
- Maybe he thought we'd get in the way.

223
00:15:59,673 --> 00:16:02,593
It's not the first time
you've disrupted a performance.

224
00:16:08,561 --> 00:16:11,841
Oh, jeez. Oh, God. I didn't see it.

225
00:16:12,107 --> 00:16:15,787
It jumped right out in front of my car.
Oh, I am so sorry.

226
00:16:16,071 --> 00:16:22,351
We just have to face it. Brian's a Hollywood
director, and we're small-town people.

227
00:16:22,747 --> 00:16:26,147
- All right, one more. Uh, Rob Lowe?
- Straight.

228
00:16:26,377 --> 00:16:27,777
- No!
- Yes.

229
00:16:27,962 --> 00:16:29,162
- Stop.
- Ho-hum.

230
00:16:29,298 --> 00:16:31,298
- Pull over.
- Absolutely.

231
00:16:31,509 --> 00:16:33,789
- Oh, well, he hides it well.
- He wishes.

232
00:16:35,765 --> 00:16:38,685
Stewie. That's a funny name. Stewie.

233
00:16:38,894 --> 00:16:43,014
It's like stew, only with an "ie!" at the end.

234
00:16:43,275 --> 00:16:46,395
- Hm.
- I meant it's funny, Stewie.

235
00:16:46,613 --> 00:16:50,733
I had an uncle named Stewie,
and he used to sell bicycles.

236
00:16:50,911 --> 00:16:53,591
Aren't you supposed to be
asking me a question?

237
00:16:53,832 --> 00:16:57,512
What do you think candies are made out of?

238
00:16:57,795 --> 00:17:00,275
Sunshine and farts. What a silly question.

239
00:17:00,507 --> 00:17:05,507
I love candy. When I was a little boy
we would play stickball.

240
00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:10,093
No, no, I'll wait. Oh, you finished?

241
00:17:10,313 --> 00:17:15,193
Sorry. I thought the name of the show
was Kids Say the Darndest Things,

242
00:17:15,528 --> 00:17:18,608
not Old Black Comedians
Never Shut the Hell Up.

243
00:17:18,866 --> 00:17:23,066
- Ask me what I want to be when I grow up.
- And we also used to play buck-buck.

244
00:17:23,331 --> 00:17:28,331
Enough of your blether. Good evening, world.
From this moment on, I will be your...

245
00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:35,263
What you got there?
Oh, you're gonna go skiing now?

246
00:17:35,556 --> 00:17:38,036
Give that back. They're of no use to you.

247
00:17:38,268 --> 00:17:41,748
Oh, I'm going down the mountain.
Coo-coo-cachoo.

248
00:17:43,275 --> 00:17:45,355
No! Don't listen to him.

249
00:17:45,570 --> 00:17:50,250
That's not funny. That's just saying
what happens when you go skiing.

250
00:17:50,577 --> 00:17:52,577
Here I go, down the slope.

251
00:17:52,746 --> 00:17:56,346
Ooh, I'm goin' zip-zop, zooba-de-bop.

252
00:17:56,627 --> 00:18:00,827
Stop it. Stop applauding him.
He's not even using real words any more.

253
00:18:01,091 --> 00:18:06,491
We'll be back with a girl from Atlanta
who skips rope with her sister's pigtails.

254
00:18:06,849 --> 00:18:08,449
Coo-coo!

255
00:18:08,602 --> 00:18:13,402
- No, my segment's not over!
- Come on, you like to jump rope, don't ya?

256
00:18:14,568 --> 00:18:19,968
- I like jump rope.
- So you're gonna sit here and enjoy it.

257
00:18:20,284 --> 00:18:24,604
I'm gonna sit here and enjoy it.
And I like pudding.

258
00:18:24,874 --> 00:18:29,274
And Ghost Dad was the best movie
I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

259
00:18:33,636 --> 00:18:37,236
- Good news.
- What? More people I love think I'm a jerk?

260
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:41,397
You're more than that, Mr "Nominated
for an Adult Movie Award for Director".

261
00:18:41,689 --> 00:18:46,169
- A Woody? I'm up for a Woody?
- Call your family. They'll be proud of you.

262
00:18:46,487 --> 00:18:49,287
I'd rather they think I'm a jerk
than a smut pedlar.

263
00:18:49,492 --> 00:18:53,212
They'll love you even if you made
a couple of crappy movies.

264
00:18:53,455 --> 00:18:57,455
Blythe Danner still loves Gwyneth Paltrow.
Oops! Score one for me.

265
00:19:01,383 --> 00:19:06,583
Welcome back to E's Adult Video Awards
Pre-show. It's a good crowd tonight, Mom.

266
00:19:06,932 --> 00:19:11,132
It sure is, Melissa.
All the studs and sluts are arriving.

267
00:19:12,148 --> 00:19:14,228
- Brian. Brian!
- Oh, hey.

268
00:19:14,443 --> 00:19:17,523
You're nominated for three films
you directed yesterday.

269
00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:22,061
Add Mama to the Train,
The Purple Head of Cairo and, uh...

270
00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:25,570
- What was the third one?
- You've Got Male Genitalia.

271
00:19:25,792 --> 00:19:34,312
I was asked to star in a porno, but I couldn't
cos most of my body's less than 18 years old.

272
00:19:34,763 --> 00:19:40,163
- I used to guest-host The Tonight Show.
- Oh, yeah. What was that, 30 years ago?

273
00:19:40,521 --> 00:19:42,521
Your mike isn't plugged in.

274
00:19:42,690 --> 00:19:46,890
- You're not even on TV right now, are you?
- In my mind.

275
00:19:49,366 --> 00:19:55,086
The next award is for Best Original Score in
an adult film. The nominees are: Ron Jones.

276
00:20:00,340 --> 00:20:02,340
Walter Murphy.

277
00:20:06,390 --> 00:20:08,390
And John Williams.

278
00:20:14,317 --> 00:20:17,597
You've come a long way
from hiding from the vacuum cleaner.

279
00:20:17,864 --> 00:20:21,744
- Lois!
- Hey, buddy. How are ya, Alfred Hitch Cock?

280
00:20:22,036 --> 00:20:25,916
You like that one, Dick Hertz? Huh?
I'm sorry. I'm already drunk.

281
00:20:26,209 --> 00:20:29,689
- How did you guys know I'd...
- Jasper called.

282
00:20:29,964 --> 00:20:33,364
- Why didn't you tell us?
- I thought you'd be ashamed of me.

283
00:20:33,594 --> 00:20:36,594
No! I oughta knock you out
for not bringing me here sooner.

284
00:20:36,848 --> 00:20:39,128
The pair on that one's
bigger than your head.

285
00:20:39,352 --> 00:20:44,552
- So you guys aren't offended by this?
- I can't say I approve but... we love you.

286
00:20:44,776 --> 00:20:47,856
If this is what makes you happy,
we support you.

287
00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:53,114
My God. I thought I needed to get away from
you guys to find what was missing in my life,

288
00:20:53,413 --> 00:20:56,213
but the only thing I'm missing is my family.

289
00:20:56,459 --> 00:21:00,139
How could I have become involved
in this degrading business?

290
00:21:00,423 --> 00:21:03,623
And the award goes to...
Brian Griffin.

291
00:21:03,844 --> 00:21:05,444
Whoo!

292
00:21:10,937 --> 00:21:14,937
Whoo! Oh, wow. My God. Oh!

293
00:21:15,235 --> 00:21:17,115
This is unexpected.

294
00:21:17,321 --> 00:21:19,321
I wanna thank my incredible team,

295
00:21:19,491 --> 00:21:23,611
who've been with me from Shaving
Private Ryan to Welcome to my Face.

296
00:21:24,498 --> 00:21:26,818
He lives with us back in Quahog.

297
00:21:27,001 --> 00:21:32,001
You got a nice wiggle, baby. You wanna be
in a movie? A little girl-girl action maybe?

298
00:21:32,342 --> 00:21:34,822
- Oh... Peter!
- Good luck, buddy.

299
00:21:35,054 --> 00:21:37,854
I've been barking up that tree for 17 years.

300
00:21:39,852 --> 00:21:44,732
Wow. That was a wonderful trip, and
everyone has something to remember it by.

301
00:21:47,780 --> 00:21:50,660
You're gonna love it at our house,
Jenna Jameson.

