1
00:00:01,380 --> 00:00:05,060
"It seems today that all you see

2
00:00:05,345 --> 00:00:08,545
"Is violence in movies and sex on TV

3
00:00:08,684 --> 00:00:12,164
"But where are those
good old-fashioned values

4
00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:15,320
"On which we used to rely?

5
00:00:15,570 --> 00:00:18,570
"Lucky there's a family guy

6
00:00:18,784 --> 00:00:23,384
"Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

7
00:00:23,709 --> 00:00:25,309
"Laugh and cry

8
00:00:25,462 --> 00:00:30,382
"He's a family guy

9
00:00:35,604 --> 00:00:39,084
- Hi, Chris.
- Hi, Barbara.

10
00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,440
I'm having a birthday party.
I was hoping you could come.

11
00:00:42,698 --> 00:00:45,778
Oh, no! Someone peed in my pants!

12
00:00:47,289 --> 00:00:50,169
You're funny. Well, I hope you can make it.

13
00:00:52,381 --> 00:00:54,901
Your friend's party sounds like fun, Chris.

14
00:00:55,093 --> 00:00:58,413
But I hope the cake's better
than the last party I went to.

15
00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:03,665
Oh, God. Coconut.

16
00:01:03,775 --> 00:01:08,575
I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift. What
kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg?

17
00:01:08,866 --> 00:01:10,266
Oh... well...

18
00:01:10,452 --> 00:01:13,732
My boyfriend Prince William
got me this beautiful watch.

19
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,080
And this diamond tiara.
And this wonderful sceptre.

20
00:01:23,265 --> 00:01:26,265
She needs to get laid, big-time.

21
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:30,120
I read a book saying women are from Venus,
so here's what you get her.

22
00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:32,960
Layers of sulphuric acid,
viscous surface rock,

23
00:01:33,198 --> 00:01:37,478
and coronae, which seem to be domes over
large magma chambers. Here's five dollars.

24
00:01:37,789 --> 00:01:43,069
That's OK, Dad. I was thinking about getting
a paper route so I could buy her gift myself.

25
00:01:43,423 --> 00:01:45,703
I think that's very sweet, honey.

26
00:01:45,928 --> 00:01:49,328
Oh, boy. I remember my first job.
I was in a folk music trio.

27
00:01:49,559 --> 00:01:52,359
Hey, how about
"Here's To You, Mrs Fleckenstein"?

28
00:01:52,605 --> 00:01:55,805
You've been pitching that for an hour.
It's not an attractive name.

29
00:01:56,028 --> 00:01:57,228
Oh, fine.

30
00:01:57,405 --> 00:01:59,285
I suppose we're also not going with

31
00:01:59,491 --> 00:02:02,691
"Parsley, Sage,
Rosemary and Lawry's Seasoning Salt".

32
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:04,434
That's it. I'm going to Nam.

33
00:02:09,299 --> 00:02:13,099
Hey, there, young fella.
Bringin' me good news today?

34
00:02:13,347 --> 00:02:15,547
- What?
- Come on over here, son.

35
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:18,449
Hand me the paper,
so I don't need to use my grabber.

36
00:02:18,690 --> 00:02:20,090
Mm.

37
00:02:20,234 --> 00:02:23,754
- That's a nice muscly throwin' arm you got.
- Uh, thanks.

38
00:02:23,991 --> 00:02:27,991
Got a nice tip for you right here
in my pocket, but my arthritis...

39
00:02:28,289 --> 00:02:30,969
Why don't you reach in
and fish it out for yourself?

40
00:02:31,210 --> 00:02:34,610
That's OK, mister.
I don't collect till the end of the month.

41
00:02:34,841 --> 00:02:37,241
I'll see you tomorrow. Weird.

42
00:02:40,893 --> 00:02:45,413
- I hope you like it.
- Wow, perfume. That is so sweet.

43
00:02:45,693 --> 00:02:50,813
It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. So
I guess you'll smell of bourbon and Vicodin.

44
00:02:51,035 --> 00:02:53,715
- That's very thoughtful.
- Can I spray some on you?

45
00:02:53,957 --> 00:02:56,437
- Ow! My eyes!
- They're beautiful.

46
00:02:56,670 --> 00:02:59,150
Just get away from me, Chris!

47
00:02:59,382 --> 00:03:02,262
I'm so awkward!

48
00:03:05,309 --> 00:03:08,229
Hey, muscly-arm. Why the long face?

49
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:13,838
It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like
girls are a different species or somethin'.

50
00:03:14,198 --> 00:03:18,198
- Aw, who needs 'em? You like Popsicles?
- Well, sure.

51
00:03:18,455 --> 00:03:24,455
Then you need to come on down to the cellar.
I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles. Mm.

52
00:03:24,841 --> 00:03:27,041
No, thanks. I gotta get goin'.

53
00:03:27,219 --> 00:03:29,539
Don't make me beg, now.

54
00:03:29,724 --> 00:03:32,724
You're funny. Bye.

55
00:03:32,979 --> 00:03:34,979
Get your fat ass back here.

56
00:03:40,283 --> 00:03:44,083
- This is a hold-up. Open the register.
- It only opens when you make a sale.

57
00:03:44,332 --> 00:03:48,532
All right, then give me one of them
horoscope scrolls and some Skittles.

58
00:03:48,838 --> 00:03:52,438
"Financial transaction
benefits you today. " Oooh!

59
00:03:52,679 --> 00:03:54,799
Weird!

60
00:04:01,151 --> 00:04:03,951
All right! A bike! I'm outta here.

61
00:04:08,747 --> 00:04:14,667
Your parents are on their way, but since time
is a factor here we'd like to get an ID quickly.

62
00:04:16,384 --> 00:04:20,384
- Are you sure he can't see me?
- Absolutely, Chris. You're 100% safe.

63
00:04:20,641 --> 00:04:23,161
OK. That's him. Number six.

64
00:04:23,270 --> 00:04:27,350
Hi. Excuse me, you guys.
I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin.

65
00:04:27,653 --> 00:04:32,933
He's here to finger the guy who held up that
store. Maybe you've seen him. Chris Griffin.

66
00:04:33,287 --> 00:04:36,487
Wait a second, I got a picture of him
somewhere. Here you go.

67
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:40,830
Hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home.
I was gonna throw that one out anyway.

68
00:04:41,091 --> 00:04:45,891
Chris messed it up by writing his school
schedule and a list of his fears on the back.

69
00:04:49,021 --> 00:04:53,021
We're so proud of you, Chris,
for helping to put that horrible man in jail.

70
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,720
You couldn't have said
it was Céline Dion, huh?

71
00:04:55,907 --> 00:04:59,907
Our chance to put that showboating
Canadian wench behind bars and you blow it.

72
00:05:00,207 --> 00:05:04,007
We now return
to the "E! True Hollywood Story: ALF".

73
00:05:04,255 --> 00:05:08,375
By the third season
I was completely wasted all the time.

74
00:05:08,637 --> 00:05:11,037
I'd lost all control of my bodily functions.

75
00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:14,547
They had to cut the crap out of my fur
before each taping.

76
00:05:14,813 --> 00:05:16,893
But, uh, would I do it all again?

77
00:05:17,109 --> 00:05:19,709
We interrupt this programme
for a news story.

78
00:05:19,906 --> 00:05:25,826
Now over to Rhode Island State Penitentiary
and Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa. Tricia?

79
00:05:26,082 --> 00:05:32,682
I'm at this maximum-security facility, where a
ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape.

80
00:05:33,052 --> 00:05:36,252
Sir, do you have any plans
now that you're out of jail?

81
00:05:36,517 --> 00:05:40,597
Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend,
and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!

82
00:05:40,898 --> 00:05:42,698
Good Lord!

83
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:46,176
Can they really say
"bang my girlfriend" on TV?

84
00:05:50,289 --> 00:05:52,169
You wanna remove us from the area?

85
00:05:52,376 --> 00:05:57,576
This man will stop at nothing. We're placing
you all in the Witness Protection Program.

86
00:05:57,885 --> 00:06:02,205
Is Europe an option? I've always wanted
to spend a year in Prague teaching English.

87
00:06:02,475 --> 00:06:04,995
Slacking off,
but really getting to know myself.

88
00:06:05,188 --> 00:06:08,508
Until we catch this guy,
you'll be relocated to the Deep South.

89
00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:11,256
The Deep South?

90
00:06:11,449 --> 00:06:13,449
Where the black guys are really lazy,

91
00:06:13,660 --> 00:06:17,540
and the white guys are just as lazy but
they're mad at the black guys for being lazy?

92
00:06:17,835 --> 00:06:21,315
Jenkins and I have been assigned
to live here and watch your house.

93
00:06:21,591 --> 00:06:24,471
He's a slovenly liberal
and I'm a fastidious conservative.

94
00:06:24,721 --> 00:06:28,801
- I smell a sitcom!
- I suggest you start packing immediately.

95
00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:36,424
I can't believe I have to change schools
because of you. This is all your fault, Lardo.

96
00:06:36,699 --> 00:06:39,299
- Me? I had nothing to do with it.
- I meant Chris.

97
00:06:39,537 --> 00:06:41,617
Oh. Yeah, Lardo.

98
00:06:41,833 --> 00:06:45,433
Look, everybody. Here we are.
The town of Bumblescum.

99
00:06:53,810 --> 00:06:56,330
- This is our house?
- Come on, Meg.

100
00:06:56,523 --> 00:06:59,723
I bet if we fixed it up a little bit,
it could be a piece of crap.

101
00:07:03,952 --> 00:07:08,232
- What's that smell?
- It's either bad meat or good cheese.

102
00:07:09,461 --> 00:07:12,461
There's a penny underneath that couch.

103
00:07:13,009 --> 00:07:15,129
Somebody's in the closet!

104
00:07:15,220 --> 00:07:19,020
You know you're a redneck
when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.

105
00:07:19,270 --> 00:07:21,390
You suck!

106
00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:29,568
Oh, my. Well, it's too hot to cook anyway.
Peter, what's the upstairs like?

107
00:07:29,912 --> 00:07:31,832
There's a Crunch Berry under the fridge.

108
00:07:31,998 --> 00:07:35,398
Mom, Chris found a jar in the basement
and it has a hand in it.

109
00:07:35,671 --> 00:07:38,671
I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows.

110
00:07:39,302 --> 00:07:43,022
Well, at least the TV gets decent reception.

111
00:07:43,267 --> 00:07:45,187
Must be some kind of nature show.

112
00:07:45,354 --> 00:07:47,874
Help! Help! Get it off! Aaargh!

113
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:51,601
Great. We're here five minutes
and Dad gets mauled by a rodent.

114
00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:54,739
- This place is horrible.
- OK, everybody calm down.

115
00:07:54,953 --> 00:07:57,473
We don't know anything
about this community.

116
00:07:57,666 --> 00:08:01,386
I bet if we explore the town
we'll each find something about it we like.

117
00:08:01,631 --> 00:08:04,231
That's a great idea.
I just gotta hit the can.

118
00:08:04,469 --> 00:08:06,269
I think there's just an outhouse.

119
00:08:08,642 --> 00:08:12,122
Hey, Lois? I don't get how this works.
It's just a hole.

120
00:08:12,398 --> 00:08:14,598
I don't think it goes anywhere.

121
00:08:14,777 --> 00:08:16,977
No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere.

122
00:08:17,198 --> 00:08:18,878
Aaaargh!

123
00:08:19,077 --> 00:08:20,357
Oh, God!

124
00:08:20,537 --> 00:08:23,737
Oh, it's everywhere! Aaaaargh!

125
00:08:23,959 --> 00:08:28,079
It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

126
00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:33,740
- Excuse me, do you have an ATM?
- Over there, ma'am.

127
00:08:33,976 --> 00:08:36,296
- How much you wanna take out?
- 40 dollars.

128
00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,600
There's a service charge of a buck 50.
Do y'all accept?

129
00:08:39,819 --> 00:08:41,339
Yes.

130
00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:44,408
Mm. You smell like
the inside of my momma's purse.

131
00:08:44,618 --> 00:08:46,738
Thank you.

132
00:08:48,791 --> 00:08:53,391
What are those dulcet tones?
Why, this is the music of the angels!

133
00:08:53,717 --> 00:08:57,317
- What is that magical device?
- Banjo.

134
00:08:59,142 --> 00:09:01,542
Pluck that string.

135
00:09:01,730 --> 00:09:06,050
Oh, I feel so deliciously white-trash.
Mommy, I want a mullet!

136
00:09:07,573 --> 00:09:09,893
All right, that about does it.

137
00:09:10,077 --> 00:09:13,277
- Isn't she beautiful, Brian?
- The Duke boys would be proud.

138
00:09:13,541 --> 00:09:16,541
Yeah, and you gotta get in
through the window, like this.

139
00:09:16,754 --> 00:09:19,274
OK, now you.

140
00:09:19,384 --> 00:09:22,584
Oh, sorry. I forgot to roll yours down.

141
00:09:22,806 --> 00:09:25,326
You all right?

142
00:09:25,519 --> 00:09:27,119
Hello?

143
00:09:27,314 --> 00:09:29,394
Wake up, sleepyhead.

144
00:09:33,032 --> 00:09:35,152
- Hi.
- Hi.

145
00:09:35,745 --> 00:09:38,265
- Are you mad at that pond?
- Shoot, no.

146
00:09:38,458 --> 00:09:40,978
'Course, this pond did kill my grandpappy.

147
00:09:41,086 --> 00:09:45,486
He saw his reflection, thought it was him
and drowned trying to save himself.

148
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,160
That's why Mom
doesn't let me look in the toilet.

149
00:09:48,390 --> 00:09:50,390
- I'm Sam.
- I'm Chris.

150
00:09:50,561 --> 00:09:52,281
Sam, come on in, now.

151
00:09:52,439 --> 00:09:58,359
Well, I gotta go help my daddy bring in the
mud harvest. Nice making your acquaintance.

152
00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:02,113
Oh, my God, I'm drowning!

153
00:10:03,415 --> 00:10:08,015
That was Merle Haggard with
"I Kissed My Sweetie With My Fist". Next...

154
00:10:08,298 --> 00:10:10,498
There's one. Let's jump that.

155
00:10:14,266 --> 00:10:17,066
Yeee-haaa!

156
00:10:19,274 --> 00:10:23,554
That was great! Next time, let's get Meg
to be Boss Hogg and Chris can be Anus.

157
00:10:23,865 --> 00:10:25,145
- Enos.
- What'd I say?

158
00:10:25,326 --> 00:10:26,926
Anus.

159
00:10:30,126 --> 00:10:32,206
Class, we have a new student joinin' us.

160
00:10:32,421 --> 00:10:36,221
Everyone, please welcome
Megan Griffin, from the North.

161
00:10:38,265 --> 00:10:41,065
What's it like there?
Y'all got them talkin' pictures?

162
00:10:41,186 --> 00:10:44,186
- And flyin' machines?
- And perfume for your armpits?

163
00:10:44,399 --> 00:10:46,999
- We sure do.
- Wow.

164
00:10:47,237 --> 00:10:51,837
All right, that's enough questions for Megan.
Time to hand back last week's spelling tests.

165
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:55,240
- And it looks like Oinky's set the curve again.
- Dang.

166
00:10:55,376 --> 00:10:58,256
- That is some smart pig.
- Good thing I copied off Oinky.

167
00:11:00,467 --> 00:11:02,987
Ta-da! Possum surprise.

168
00:11:03,180 --> 00:11:05,580
Actually, I made it with Shake 'n Bake.

169
00:11:05,809 --> 00:11:08,409
- And I helped.
- Kids, where's your father?

170
00:11:08,606 --> 00:11:11,206
Yeee-haaa!

171
00:11:13,113 --> 00:11:17,113
- What the hell are you doing?!
- Blendin' in. Relax, Lois. It's not our house.

172
00:11:17,370 --> 00:11:21,770
I'm glad you're having fun, but we need
money. Have you thought about a job?

173
00:11:22,086 --> 00:11:26,086
Yes, Lois, I have. But I've also thought
about getting fired from that job.

174
00:11:26,343 --> 00:11:31,263
Is that something you wanna put our family
through? Think about that while I get a drink.

175
00:11:31,561 --> 00:11:33,961
Aaagh! Aaargh! Oh, God! Aaagh!

176
00:11:34,607 --> 00:11:37,207
It's right up here past this clearing.

177
00:11:37,403 --> 00:11:40,123
- He's been here about three months now.
- Wow.

178
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:42,325
Where do you think you go when you die?

179
00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:45,416
I learned at church that
if you're good you go to heaven.

180
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:49,467
If you're bad, you go to a place
where the dead believe they're still livin'

181
00:11:49,715 --> 00:11:52,915
and they pray for death,
but death won't come.

182
00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:55,380
UPN?

183
00:11:55,558 --> 00:11:59,478
- You're funny. I like you, Chris.
- I like you too, Sam.

184
00:11:59,732 --> 00:12:02,132
- Wanna poke him?
- Do I?!

185
00:12:03,822 --> 00:12:08,502
You know, it's true.
The best things in life really are free.

186
00:12:09,748 --> 00:12:13,348
I don't know. Maybe Lois is right.
Maybe it is time for me to get a job.

187
00:12:13,630 --> 00:12:15,630
You always blow it in the interview.

188
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,600
So, Peter, where do you see yourself
in five years?

189
00:12:18,846 --> 00:12:21,446
Don't say "Doing your wife. "

190
00:12:21,643 --> 00:12:23,563
Doing your...

191
00:12:23,646 --> 00:12:25,926
son?

192
00:12:26,150 --> 00:12:28,430
Hey, Brian. Look at that.

193
00:12:28,655 --> 00:12:34,455
Y'all interested? We take turns being sheriff.
You just hang out here, eat pie and get drunk.

194
00:12:34,789 --> 00:12:38,909
Hold on a second. "Pie"? "Drunk"? "The"?

195
00:12:39,172 --> 00:12:41,092
You got yourself a sheriff!

196
00:12:42,218 --> 00:12:46,018
- Boy, it's so quiet around here.
- I know.

197
00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:48,867
The phone hasn't rung all day.

198
00:12:49,105 --> 00:12:52,785
I kn... I know. There's nothin'...
nothin' to, um...

199
00:12:53,905 --> 00:12:56,105
to, uh...

200
00:12:57,243 --> 00:12:59,243
um...

201
00:13:00,457 --> 00:13:03,057
uh... Oh, boy,
what's the word I'm looking for? Do.

202
00:13:03,295 --> 00:13:05,775
Brian, you're drunk. You're drunk.

203
00:13:06,008 --> 00:13:08,008
Give me your keys.

204
00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:12,555
- What is this, Dad?
- A Southern tradition, son.

205
00:13:12,769 --> 00:13:15,089
It's a re-enactment of the Civil War.

206
00:13:16,734 --> 00:13:23,134
Robert E Lee. I knew I'd find you here,
where they seat the sorry-ass losers.

207
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:29,016
Ulysses S Grant, you invite me to lunch
then show up an hour late, drunk?

208
00:13:29,380 --> 00:13:33,980
I was busy lookin' for your wife,
to give her the old...

209
00:13:34,263 --> 00:13:36,983
Sir, this means war.

210
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:38,504
I am vanquished.

211
00:13:38,645 --> 00:13:42,965
I hereby declare victory
in the name of the Confederacy.

212
00:13:46,283 --> 00:13:49,163
Excuse me. I don't think
that's how it happened.

213
00:13:49,413 --> 00:13:52,293
- I'm pretty sure the North won.
- What are you sayin'?

214
00:13:52,542 --> 00:13:56,742
That drunken idiot kicked your sorry asses
south of the Donna Dixon Line.

215
00:13:57,008 --> 00:13:59,528
We don't take kindly
to that sort of talk, mister.

216
00:13:59,721 --> 00:14:03,321
And I sure as shoot don't want
your kid hangin' round with my kid.

217
00:14:03,603 --> 00:14:09,083
And if you think I'm mad now, you gotta
answer to them Civil War survivors.

218
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:15,480
Wait! Look over there! It's an interracial
gay couple burning the American flag!

219
00:14:17,793 --> 00:14:19,193
Get 'em!

220
00:14:22,258 --> 00:14:25,258
- I guess we can't hang out any more.
- I guess not.

221
00:14:25,514 --> 00:14:28,594
That sucks,
cos I really like spending time with you.

222
00:14:28,853 --> 00:14:30,853
Me too.

223
00:14:33,235 --> 00:14:35,235
What are you doing?

224
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:44,913
Them Griffin boys better
grow some wings, or start flappin' their arms.

225
00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:52,768
- Lost 'em!
- Blasted Lincoln-lovers.

226
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,254
Anyone seen my foot?

227
00:14:56,398 --> 00:15:03,198
Man, was last night weird. I kissed a boy! But
I really like him as a friend. His name is Sam.

228
00:15:03,577 --> 00:15:05,897
- You kissed Sam last night?
- How did you know?

229
00:15:06,081 --> 00:15:08,481
You said it out loud.
I heard you in the other room.

230
00:15:08,710 --> 00:15:11,990
The weird thing is,
kissing Sam kind of felt right.

231
00:15:12,258 --> 00:15:15,658
But I don't know if I can face him again.
Brian, what should I do?

232
00:15:15,889 --> 00:15:18,889
I haven't been this confused
since the end of No Way Out.

233
00:15:20,814 --> 00:15:24,014
How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?

234
00:15:27,909 --> 00:15:30,709
- Argh! How do I shoot? How do I shoot?
- Press B button.

235
00:15:32,917 --> 00:15:35,317
- Telegram for Chris Griffin.
- He's not here.

236
00:15:35,505 --> 00:15:37,905
- Where is he?
- I can't release that information.

237
00:15:38,133 --> 00:15:41,333
Oh, did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sister.

238
00:15:41,556 --> 00:15:46,076
Oh, well, if it's for Meg,
that's a whole other story. Here's her address.

239
00:15:46,355 --> 00:15:48,955
- What are you doing?
- You were busy. I played your guy.

240
00:15:49,193 --> 00:15:51,673
- I didn't wanna play.
- So it's good for everybody.

241
00:15:51,906 --> 00:15:54,986
- I'm gonna draw boobs on the Etch A Sketch.
- They'll end up square.

242
00:15:56,581 --> 00:15:59,101
- Oh, hi, Chris.
- Hey.

243
00:15:59,294 --> 00:16:02,614
Um, listen, Sam.
I like hangin' out with you and all,

244
00:16:02,841 --> 00:16:06,161
it's just that I don't want
a romantic relationship.

245
00:16:06,389 --> 00:16:10,989
- But I'd like it if we could still be friends.
- I'd like that too. Wanna go for a swim?

246
00:16:11,314 --> 00:16:13,114
Sure.

247
00:16:15,780 --> 00:16:18,580
- You're a girl?!
- Of course I am.

248
00:16:18,826 --> 00:16:20,506
Oh, my God!

249
00:16:24,878 --> 00:16:27,478
Warm out today.

250
00:16:27,590 --> 00:16:30,070
Warm yesterday.

251
00:16:30,303 --> 00:16:32,303
Even warmer today.

252
00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:37,059
"Met her on my CB, said her name was Mimi

253
00:16:37,190 --> 00:16:40,470
- " Sounded like an angel come to earth
- " Come to earth

254
00:16:40,737 --> 00:16:43,737
"When I went to meet her,
man, you should have seen her

255
00:16:43,867 --> 00:16:46,747
- " Twice as tall as me, three times the girth
- " Girth

256
00:16:46,997 --> 00:16:50,477
- " Oh, my fat baby loves to eat
- " Loves to eat

257
00:16:50,753 --> 00:16:53,953
"A big old Buddha belly
and her breasts swing past her feet

258
00:16:54,093 --> 00:16:57,093
"My fat baby loves to eat

259
00:16:57,306 --> 00:17:00,506
"My big ole fat-ass baby loves to eat

260
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:04,288
I got blisters on my fingers!

261
00:17:06,071 --> 00:17:09,591
- A drop more of the shine, my dear?
- Yes, please.

262
00:17:09,744 --> 00:17:13,024
You know, the kids are gonna be
at that town social for a while.

263
00:17:13,291 --> 00:17:16,091
I think I know where you're going.

264
00:17:17,965 --> 00:17:20,365
Aaagh! Aaagh! Oh, God! Aaagh! Aaagh!

265
00:17:20,594 --> 00:17:22,474
Hello?

266
00:17:22,681 --> 00:17:26,081
Hello, Mrs Griffin? Yeah.
Shh! Shut up! You guys, shut up!

267
00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:28,912
Yeah, this is the FBI, calling from your house.

268
00:17:29,150 --> 00:17:31,430
Oh, hi. How is everything?

269
00:17:31,654 --> 00:17:33,454
Good, good. Real good.

270
00:17:33,616 --> 00:17:38,136
Listen, promise you won't be mad,
and it's probably nothing,

271
00:17:38,332 --> 00:17:44,132
but you know that criminal who's after your
son? He might know where you guys are.

272
00:17:44,468 --> 00:17:48,988
What?! Peter, that criminal is on his way here
to kill Chris. We gotta call the sheriff.

273
00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:52,387
Holy crap. I'm on it, Lois.

274
00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:58,005
Sheriff's office. Yes, this is Peter Griffin. I'd
like to report a criminal coming into town.

275
00:17:58,366 --> 00:18:03,046
I'm sorry, could you repeat your name?
Yes, it's Peter Griffin. G-r-i-f-f-i-n.

276
00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:06,254
- You're the sheriff?
- One sec, honey. I'm on the phone.

277
00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:09,503
- Who's that? My wife.
- Peter, Chris is in danger!

278
00:18:09,634 --> 00:18:11,714
Do something! Round up a posse.

279
00:18:11,929 --> 00:18:16,729
Yeah, well, see, I kinda pissed off the whole
town at that Civil War re-enactment.

280
00:18:17,021 --> 00:18:19,541
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know, Lois.

281
00:18:19,733 --> 00:18:22,533
But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.

282
00:18:22,781 --> 00:18:25,181
Now here's Roy.

283
00:18:29,667 --> 00:18:33,267
- Sure is a ding-dang of a hoedown.
- Uh-uh. This here's a hootenanny.

284
00:18:33,423 --> 00:18:35,223
- Hoedown!
- Hootenanny!

285
00:18:35,510 --> 00:18:37,390
- Hoedown!
- Hootenanny!

286
00:18:40,935 --> 00:18:43,735
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

287
00:18:43,940 --> 00:18:47,940
Oh, and to the owner of a John Deere tractor,
you're parked on top of a pig.

288
00:18:48,239 --> 00:18:50,719
John Deere tractor on top of a pig.

289
00:18:51,244 --> 00:18:54,764
- Sam, can I talk to you?
- Sure. But why aren't you lookin' at me?

290
00:18:55,000 --> 00:19:00,720
Well, that's the thing. I'm no good at talking
to girls. That's why I ran away from you.

291
00:19:01,052 --> 00:19:04,572
You didn't have trouble talkin' to me
when you thought I was a boy.

292
00:19:04,808 --> 00:19:06,728
Yeah, that's true.

293
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:09,092
- Just pretend I'm a boy.
- OK.

294
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:12,115
You wanna go down
to the old town bridge and make out?

295
00:19:12,321 --> 00:19:13,841
Yes, sir!

296
00:19:13,989 --> 00:19:17,189
And in the city,
glasses are considered really sexy.

297
00:19:17,454 --> 00:19:18,934
Ooooh.

298
00:19:19,123 --> 00:19:22,203
Dang, I hope her brother
don't already have dibs on her.

299
00:19:23,506 --> 00:19:28,386
- Where's Chris? That criminal's here.
- He's down by the old town bridge.

300
00:19:28,722 --> 00:19:31,802
You know, my brother
is the one he's here to kill.

301
00:19:32,062 --> 00:19:35,342
My daughter would absolutely love you.

302
00:19:37,487 --> 00:19:41,687
You're so cute.
You're like a skinny Garth Brooks.

303
00:19:41,952 --> 00:19:44,872
- Aha! I got you now, Griffin!
- Aaagh!

304
00:19:45,083 --> 00:19:47,483
- Not so fast, buddy!
- Who are you?

305
00:19:47,713 --> 00:19:50,713
You can call me Officer TJ Hooker.

306
00:19:50,843 --> 00:19:53,443
Sheriff Officer TJ Hooker.

307
00:19:53,555 --> 00:19:55,835
And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife.

308
00:19:56,060 --> 00:20:01,340
I hated TJ Hooker. And I never actually saw
McMillan and Wife, although I was aware of it.

309
00:20:01,694 --> 00:20:03,974
Anyway, you're dead!

310
00:20:04,699 --> 00:20:06,499
Ha! You're mine now, fella!

311
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:10,200
Aagh! Aagh!

312
00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:14,053
Aargh! Dad! Help! Dad!

313
00:20:16,301 --> 00:20:19,581
- You folks all right?
- Wow, you guys saved our lives.

314
00:20:19,849 --> 00:20:22,649
And after I said
all Southerners have bad teeth

315
00:20:22,853 --> 00:20:26,573
and the gum disease known as gingivitis.

316
00:20:26,818 --> 00:20:31,418
We take care of our own. And as long as
y'all live here, y'all are Southerners too.

317
00:20:31,744 --> 00:20:36,144
- Wow. Thanks.
- It's our pleasure. Sam, I'll see you at home.

318
00:20:36,335 --> 00:20:39,935
I think the lesson here is
it doesn't matter where you're from,

319
00:20:40,174 --> 00:20:43,094
as long as we're all the same religion.

320
00:20:44,347 --> 00:20:48,867
- It was great having you in class, Meg.
- Thanks. I'm really gonna miss everybody.

321
00:20:49,147 --> 00:20:53,347
We didn't have no money for a present,
so we all just spit in a jar.

322
00:20:53,654 --> 00:20:56,534
- I can't believe you're leavin'.
- Me either.

323
00:20:56,784 --> 00:20:59,984
- I'll be sure to write.
- And I'll be sure to learn to read.

324
00:21:00,123 --> 00:21:06,123
Next time I see a dead guy, I'm gonna
poke him twice as hard for both of us.

325
00:21:12,519 --> 00:21:14,719
Ah, it's so nice to be home.

326
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:18,020
You have 113 new messages.

327
00:21:18,279 --> 00:21:19,879
Oh, my.

328
00:21:20,031 --> 00:21:24,551
Uh, yeah,
I was just wondering... uh... mm-hm...

329
00:21:24,747 --> 00:21:26,947
where the newspaper boy was.

330
00:21:28,086 --> 00:21:32,566
Haven't seen a newspaper in a couple of days.
Wonderin' if you're ever gonna come back.

331
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:38,000
Guess who.
Sorry to leave you so many messages.

332
00:21:38,311 --> 00:21:42,911
Just lonely here, thinkin' 'bout
the muscly-armed paper boy.

333
00:21:43,111 --> 00:21:47,111
Wishin' he'd bring me some good news.

334
00:21:47,368 --> 00:21:49,368
Where are you?

335
00:21:49,580 --> 00:21:53,980
You're startin' to piss me off,
you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.

